Monkeys and frogs can be friends if the monkeys don't try to eat the frogs flies!

2007-04-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

Thirteen Things I absolutely love about Michael Thomas...

1. How he makes me laugh. I always know that if I am in urgent need of a laugh that he is a phone call away.

2. His eyes. He has the most beautiful pair! They are brown but have a ring of green on the outside of them.

3. How unbelieveably supportive he is of me. No matter what I do or say, he is there.

4. I love how we can hang out and it just be us and we have a blast! I love just staying at home with him and farting around. We don't need other people around to have fun, and that is awesome!

5. His sense of humor. It may be a little twisted sometimes, but it makes him unique and that is why I love him!

6. When he does his dumb little run around the house. You would have to see it, but it is absolutely hilarious and he looks so cute doing it!

7.The way he looks at me. I swear it is like I can read his thoughts, even if only for a second...

8. Lying in bed and having pillow talk with Michael is always on my top spot. We always listen to Tom Waits and talk about everything, from work to how farting is romantic. Don't ask about that last one....

9. I love when he calls or texts me randomly. It lets me know that even though we aren't around each other, I am still with him.

10. All the stupid little nicknames he has for me. I especially love when he calls me Doink, but I will never admit to him...

11. He cuddles! And I don't make him either...

12. How he is always there for me. If may be going through some tough stuff, I know that I will have him to catch me when I fall.

13. Michael is the best thing about him. I definately got my diamond in the rough and he ain't going anywhere!!!

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What A Day!!!

2007-04-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I haven't been posting alot lately, but I work like it is going out of style!! I will give the quick update. Michael and I are still together and very much in love. It will be one year next month and this has been the best year of my life! He is such an amazing person with a beautiful soul. I don't know what I would do without him. I will talk more about him later. Lisa is having a boy, Xander Wolfgang (no comment!!), and is due in June. I am really excited about having a nephew to spoil. Allie had her baby, a little girl who she named JoLee Mae. She is absolutely adorable and I cannot wait to meet her!! Uhm let's see what else....Mandie and Adam bought a house. I haven't seen it yet but I am told it is the mirror image of Mom's. Matt got into an accident a couple weeks ago but he is doing just fine. Damn I don't know what else there is, so I will just move on to what is going on as of now.
I had such a crazy day today. Michael had to go to the hospital because he was having severe chest palpatations. I was scared shitless because I wasn't being told anything except that he was complaining of chest pains at pt this morning and they took him to the hospital sometime later after that. He told me when I finally saw him that his heart rate got up to over 200 bpm (beats per minute). The doctor told him that he was going to be ok, that he had seen this kinda thing happen before to people while they were working out. Michael is at home now and is hooked up to a portable heart monitor for the next 24 hours. I am just glad he is ok. I was so scared. I kept thinking about what I would have done without him. I think today just solidified to me that I really do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't imagine life without him right now, not ever. He is the best thing that has happened to me and I am so lucky to have him. I did tell him however that if he scares me like that again I was gonna kill him myself. Lol no I wouldn't but he did tell me that I was the only thing he thought of. He kept saying that he kept wondering how he was going to tell me and that he was sorry for worrying me. I think he mostly said that because he knew I had been crying and was pretty upset about everything. But everything is ok now, I am just going to watching him like a hawk. Hopefully he will slow down some but maybe my nagging him to the trick....

The Next Chapter

2006-10-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey! Sorry I haven't written in so long. I wish I could have written more, but my deployment kept me busy. I am home! I got back on 7 Sept and am home on leave right now. Alot of things have happened so let me catch you guys up....Matt and I are no longer together. He broke up with me the night before I deployed. I really don't want to go into the details with it but it was pretty nasty. I was a mess for awhile but I realized it was for the best and moved on to bigger and better things. I am now seeing a guy in my squadron who I was deployed with. His name is Michael and I am crazy about him! He is absolutely wonderful and so patient with me. I feel so comfortable, so relaxed with him. Michael is extremely patient with me and for once, another person totally understands what it is like to be hurt in every past relationship. We started out this relationship with baby steps. I really like it simply because I have had the worst luck when it comes to men and I am so tired of letting a guy in and he end up hurting me. Michael is the first guy I have really trusted in a long time. I told him about Dad and he said he couldn't judge someone he doesn't know. I swear I felt my heart melt when I heard him say that. Everyone in the family can't wait to meet him. Mandie and Michael have talked and he got Shortcake's seal of approval. Mom and Bill like him too. They keep asking me when I am gonna bring Michael home. Matt (my brother) even asked when he was gonna meet him! Lisa really hasn't said much about him except that she thinks he is just after me for a piece of ass. She only says that because he is 25 and I am 19. Trust me, that isn't even a big factor in our relationship. I mean the sex is amazing, but our relationship isn't defined by sex. We both have agreed that it was kinda nice to get to know each other on a mental level before we ever had sex. Mind you the first 4 months of our relationship was in the desert and we weren't allowed to even hold hands but still. I feel so complete with him. During the week we really don't see each other since we have work and I look forward to my days off because I get to see him. I love waking up in his bed and being able to watch him sleep, even if it is for a minute (so I don't wake him up). I love cuddling with him. I feel so safe in his arms. Gosh I have fallen for him. I think I love him. I have told him this, since I believe in total honesty in a relationship and I am very open and honest with him. I can tell him anything. I feel like I don't deserve Michael. He really is wonderful. I really don't want to fuck this up...I kinda like having him around.
This next portion I will only slightly touch (for now at least), but return to it in my next posting. Lisa got engaged about a month ago and told us 2-3 days ago that she is pregnant. That's right, I am going to be an aunt. I am gonna go into this more in my next time around. Allie and her boyfriend Mark got married and they are expecting a little girl in December. I am going to be the godmother and I am so excited. I am so happy for Allie. She really does deserve to be happy and she is going to be a great mother.
Alright homies I am gonna sign off here because I am tired but I love all you and take care!

Greetings from the Desert!

2006-06-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a long time since I wrote so where should I begin? Oh yeah I am in Qatar right now on my first deployment. Wow it is such an eye opening experience! I have been here since 12 Apr and today I have been here for oh 2 months. And they honestly have flown by. I am having the time of my life. This is what I joined for! To fight for my country and see the world while I am pursuing my dream. I miss home, but I know I will be home sooner than I will be able to imagine so it's all good. I know this is really hard on my family, but I do want them to know that I am gonna be home soon. I am here for you guys. So you all can have the freedoms that these people don't. I am doing the job that nobody wants too, and I want to be here. I sleep easier at night knowing that there are people who actually give a shit enough to put their butts in the line of fire. I am sorry if any of this is offending anyone. Actually no I am not. Because I am so sick of hearing on the news or simply seeing how the American public has treated my fellow service members. There are the people who support us 120% and I thank you everyday for that. But then there are the people who make me get ill when I hear how they say we have no business being here. These people don't want us to leave!!! We give them jobs! We give them stability! But most importantly, we give them hope! So don't fucking tell me that I am not wanted here or have no business here!! Because if you could see the looks on these peoples faces, you would know EXACTLY what I am talking about. You would think totally differently. You wouldn't bassh the men and women who are fighting this war. You aren't doing shit! All you are doing is running your mouths. If you want to make a difference, you can have my job. Then maybe your asses would stop complaining and actually appreciate the men and women who have died for the pursuit of freedom. My final words on this subject are this. I am a target every day I put on my uniform, and I never utter a word of negativity. Instead, I put pride in wearing my uniform because I know that just wearing it makes millions of people sleep easier at night.
I look at this deployment for what it is and who I will be when I go home. I am a 19 year old veteran. I am not the same girl I once was when I first stepped onto the plane last year to BMT. I have seen so much and lived so much in this last year. I have seen countries and people that my friends and family will only see on the news or in the movies. I have grown up so much this last year! I am now very independent and I am making my own way in this thing called life. I am learning about the world, military and civilian, and am growing into the woman I am supposed to be. I know that I will be glad to leave the 130 degree weather and the rocks and sand, but I will come home a much better person. I love my job!!
To my family, I love you guys! If it wasn't for all the love and support, I wouldn't be here in the desert fighting for this cause. You all are what keep me grounded, reminding me of where I came from. I love you and cannot wait till I am back in the U.S. calling you guys at all hours of the day telling you how I am coming home soon. I do this for you. And in return, I have the biggest support from anyone. You are what get me through the day. I love you!!! Thank you for believing in this cause I am fighting for, even if you do not agree with it. I know you do it because you see how much I believe in it. I cannot say enough how much I love you for being my inspiration. I will be home soon! Take care and pray for all the people out here in Qatar and all the other deployed personnel. Peace, love, and chicken grease!

2005 in a Nutshell...

2006-01-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

I look back at 2005 and am in awe in how much I accomplished in one year. I hit of milestones, experienced worlds of hurt and sorrow, loved someone and was loved in return, and achieved a childhood dream. I went from a dependent young girl to a very independent young woman. I went from learning about what I wanted to do with my future to dedicating my life to serving this great country and the people who are within it and to defend the rights we stand for. I changed into a well disciplined soldier and gave up a life that I was so accustomed to for the hardest lifestyle one person can lead and fell in love with the militaries crazy ass world. I fell in love so deeply with a man who shook me to the core and helped me have confidence in life and love. I went through many emotional struggles with my family and still am looking for answers to the questions that started it all. But most of all, 2005 was the year that I found myself. I became more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my entire life. I learned alot of things the hardest way possible, came in contact with people who will forever touch my life, and went off to endure some of the hardest times I will never forget. My life will never be the same, and 2005 will definately stick out in my mind as one of the best years of my life. Hopefully 2006 will bring more and I will live and learn more than ever before.

2005-12-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

Alot of time has passed since I last posted in here so I guess I shall get to all the wonderful things that have been happening in my life lately. Matt and I got back together and I am happy about that. I really do love him and want things to work out for us, even if it means us being apart for awhile. I work alot but I love my job so I am quite fine with it. I had my first pains of homesickness the other day and it sucked ass. I cannot wait to go home again but I don't know when that will be so I have to just deal with it all. Oh well. On to better news...I put on my first stripe tommorow!!! I am so excited. I have been waiting for it since I graduated basic!
I have to go to the doctor at 1400 and I hate it! I have no clue what is going to happen and I am terrified. I don't really want to say what for because I don't want to worry anyone but all I can say is just pray for me. Hopefully things will get better and I won't have to go to the doctor anymore. Yeah!!
Gosh I really don't know what else to say so I am going get off here and have Crystal take me home. Love yall!!!

The End

2005-11-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

The time for this to end has come,
But I don't want to let you go.
Although my heart knows it isn't right anymore,
My head refuses to accept it.
I met someone else to change my heads point of view,
Yet my heart still leans to you.

As the days go by,
My head starts agreeing with my heart more and more.
It pains me to let something so amazing pass like the wind,
Yet I know deep down that our paths are totally different and we are reading different books when it comes to our lives.

I have learned through my military training that I have to just let go,
And I have more pressing matters at hand to deal with.
But I want you to know that even though I show no signs of pain , guilt, or remorse,
I feel them when I wake up,
When I take off my uniform,
And when I go to bed at night.

Never doubt that I loved you,
Because I always will.

Catching Up

2005-11-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

It has been a few weeks since I last posted on here but I have been busy adjusting to my new life here in North Carolina. So much has happened that I honestly do not know where to begin. For starters, Matt and I are on a break. It has been in effect for about 2 weeks now. I stepped back and saw that I needed to make sure that I wasn't doing the wrong thing with him and I. I don't want to stay with him and 10 years from now regret it. Matt wasn't too thrilled about it but hell what was I supposed to do? Lie to myself and continue fighting with him everyday and every time I talked to him? But anyways we are still dating but at the same time we aren't. We are allowed to see other people while I am figuring things out. Seems kinda stupid yes but I think it will do us some good. I got asked out on a date the other day and he is encouring me to go out with the guy but I don't know. I like him and all but I also have a thing for one of the guys I have hung out since like day 5 here at Shady J (Seymour Johnson to all you people not in the know). His name is Phil and he is an A1C. We have flirted ALOT with each other and kissed a couple times (ok more than a couple but hey I can lie a little...). I really like being around him. He is a really sweet guy and makes me laugh. I feel comfortable when I am within his presence. I can open up to him and we relate in alot of things, especially in our career field. I guess it is easier for me to be myself around him sometimes too because of the fact we both are in the Air Force. I hate to say this, but I find it very hard to be my military self around civilians because they just don't seem to understand me as an Airman. But not many people will understand me because of my job. Oh well I love what I do so that is all that counts.
Anyways for even better news, I put on my first stripe in December. Yeah!!! I am so proud and at the same time it doesn't feel like I am coming up on 6 months in this crazy ass life I lead in the Air Force. I have a bunch of friends here already, but mostly hang out with Gary, and Phil. Lately I have been hanging out with the people from my FTAC class. They are all crazy but I love them all anyways.
Alright well I just wanted to drop a couple of lines in here and let everyone know that I am alive and kicking. Love yall!!

2005-10-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm in North Carolina right now. It isn't all that bad. I miss home, but I know that time will ease my home sickness. I am going to be here for the next 4 years so I have to make the best of things. The people here are extremely nice and very welcoming to me. I cannot wait to get to know these people better.
My Astros are in the World Series!!! I haven't really gotten to write about it but they are in! Game 4 is on right now and the Astros have got to win it if they want to stay alive. They are down 3 games to none so hopefully we win. If not, I am still really proud of my boys for getting to the World Series for the first time in franchise history.
Well I am gonna go because I have to go to briefings all day tommorow and I gotta be up at like 0530 so I will write more later.

I stole it like Mandie did....

2005-10-22T01:27:00.000-07:00

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1. Cross Canadian Ragweed
2. Kelly Clarkson
3. David Banner
4. DMX
5. 50 Cent
6.Rascal Flatts
7. Blake Shelton
8. LeAnn Rimes
9. New Kids On The Block
10. Hoobastank
09 things you look forward to:
1. Going to Seymour Johnson
2. The World Series
3. The next time I take leave
4. Seeing Matt
5. Spending time with my family
6. Taking my next nap
7. Payday!
8. Waking up every morning
9. Being on my own
8 things you like to wear:
1. My BDUs
2. My flight t-shirt from BMT
3. Blue jeans
4. My white t-shirt and a pair of PT shorts
5. My promise ring
6. My hair down
7. Windpants I bought from Old Navy
8. Anything that shows I am in the United States Air Force
07 things that annoy you:
1. Americans who think that this war my fellow brothers and sisters isn't our war to fight.
2. Ignorance
3. Protesters
4. Strings
5. Military personnel who look like crap in uniform.
6. Longhorns
7. People who think I didn't know that I could go to war when I enlisted.
06 things you say most days:
1. Holy piss!!
2. Negative son
3. I love you Matt
4. Hey ho, how you doin?
5. Hey crazy/nut!
6. Yes ma'am/sir
05 things you do everyday:
1. Wake up and go pee (what? it's like a ritual..)
2. Call Matt and tell him I love him.
3. Eat
4. Sleep
5. Say my prayers
04 people you want to spend more time with:
1. Matt
2. Mandie
3. Lisa
4. Carey
03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1. Steel Magnolias
2. The Notebook
3. Sleeping Beauty
02 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. Because of You- Kelly Clarkson
2. Play- David Banner
01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Matthew Joseph Rivera. I love him to pieces...
NUMBER OF:
-height: 5'8
-foot size: 8 1/2 in civilian shoes; 7 in my combat boots
-color of hair: brunette
-siblings: 2 sisters and 4 brothers
LAST:
-movie you rented: Wow that was long before I was in the military actually....
-Movie you bought: The Notebook
-song that was stuck in your head: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow
-last person you called: Matt
-tv show you've watched: Law and Order:SVU
-Last person you were thinking of: Matt
DO:
-you have a crush on someone: Matt. He still gives me butterflies...
-you wish you could live somewhere else: Even if I didn't, the Air Force would send me anywhere!!
-do you believe in online dating: Yes and no
-do others find you attractive: Matt tells me everyday how beautiful I am regardless so yes I guess so.
-do you want more peircings: Yes I do. And I want a tattoo
-do you write in cursive or print: depends on the amount of time I have to write
FAVORITE:
-food: Home cooked
-thing to do: Relax!
-thing to talk about: Depends on the person
-drinks: Peach Tea
-thing to wear: My BDUs. I love those bad boys!!
-movies: Depends on my emotions. If I am sad, I watch Sleeping Beauty (my happy movie). When I want to see a sappy love story, I watch The Notebook. And when I want a good laugh, I watch Steel Magnolias.
-holiday: Holidays kinda suck because I won't always get to make it home...
HAVE YOU:
-ever cried over a girl: Yes. I cried the last day of BMT because I wasn't going to get to see my sisters anymore and I was sad about it.
-over a boy: Damn I don't even want to think about it but yes. Countless times.
-ever been in a fist fight: You know!
-ever been arrested: Negative, son
WHAT:
-shampoo do you use: Garnier Fruitis
-do you wear: Depends on if I am on duty or not. If I am, then either my BDUs or blues. If not, I am in my civies.
-are you scared of: Snakes, spiders, clowns, and losing Matt.
-number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: Matt, Carey, Mandie, Matt (my brother), and Lisa.
-number of people I consider my enemies: I hope I have no enemies but because I am in the military, I know I have a few....
FAVORITE:
-Disney movie: The Little Mermaid
-word: piss (for now at least)
-nickname: Uhmm I have too many to even begin to think about my favorite....
-eye color: Brown
-flower: daisies
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE:
-pretty/handsome: Holy piss you have got to be kidding me. That is a big fat negative!
-funny: You bet I am!
-hot: Negative, son
-friendly: Yes sir/ma'am!
-amusing: I try to be...
-ugly: Matt says that if I'm ugly, then he's ugly so that would be a no....
-caring: If I wasn't caring, I wouldn't be in the military. I gotta care about someone or something to willingly put my neck out on the line for billions of people I ain't never met!
-sweet: At times..
-dorky: 24/7
DESCRIBE YOUR:
-Wallet: It is white with stars and says "Hope" on it. I bought it at Claire's and proceits of the money went to Make A Wish. I bought the matching purse too..
-Jewelry worn daily: My dog tags, a cross that Matt gave me, my promise ring, diamond stud earrings, and my POW/MIA bracelet.
-Pillow cover: I have many different pillow covers.
-Underwear: Changes everyday.
-Favorite shirt: My flight t-shirt or my squadron t-shirt
-Perfume/cologne: Diesel for men. It smells so good!!
-CD in stereo right now: Garage. It's Cross Candian Ragweed's new one.
-What you are wearing now: My white tee and PT shorts
-In my mouth: GERMS!!!!
-In my head: Thoughts about Matt and me
-Wishing: My job kept me closer to my loved ones
-Person you wish you could see right now: Nana. I have wanted that more than anything lately....
-Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month: Possibly coming home for Thanksgiving
-Do you like the taste of blood: EWWW are you sick? That is just nasty!!
-Do you believe in love: Most definately. Love is what keeps me alive.
-Do you believe in Heaven: Sure do. I can't wait to go there....
-If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be: A lemur. They are just too cute for words!
-What's your favorite coin: My Airman's coin.

My experiences in Basic Military Training

2005-10-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

Long time no talk! See I left so quickly, I never got to inform my readers (if any) that I was leaving for the Air Force. So I shall inform all you now about my experiences in basic training. I left for basic on 28 June 2005 and let me tell you I was shocked that it was all happening to me. But I knew it was what I was supposed to do so I went with it all, regardless of the part of me telling me to turn down going that day. I left Omaha and arrived in San Antonio excited but nervous as all get out because I had no idea of what the road that lay in front of me was like. I have to admit that the first night of BMT sucked and I really wanted to come home. But I wasn't about to cheat myself out of something so awesome because I kept thinking that I was crazy for even considering the military. After that first night, I honestly cannot tell you about zero/first week of training because I have blocked that part of training out of my mind. It was hell. But I missed home more than anything so the thought of getting to see my family kept me going more than anything. As time went by, BMT became easier because I got used to it. All the screaming, pushing, no sleep, no free time, no privacy, and community showers just became normal to me. I learned to think of my flight members and my TI as my family and I could not survive the world I was in without them. SSgt Coulter became like a father to me and I still look up to him for not only teaching me to be the Airman I am today, but to be great in everything I do. My flight got Honor Flight, Top PRT, and Dormitory Exellence while in BMT and holy crap we worked so hard for all of those streamers on our guide-on. My sisters are some amazing women and I am so proud of every one of them because those are things that we could not have achieved without each other. Then there was graduation. My sisters and brother flight were chosen to be the flag mass at parade and that was such an honor. Out of all the squadrons and all the flights, we were picked. Pretty awesome if you ask me. And it wasn't an easy job either. We had to practice like 5 times a day for hours at a time just so we wouldn't look like "a bunch of clowns", as SSgt Masters would tell us during practice everyday. I carried South Carolina's state flag but I carried it like it was the American flag. With such pride and honor. After we stated the Oath of Enlistment, parade was over and I was officially a member of United States Air Force. As I marched back to secure my flag, I thought to myself that I had just completed 7 weeks of training and it went by so fast. If I had to go back to BMT, I would. But nothing would ever make me want to go back and change my experience in basic training. Because I learned so much, met some amazing men and women, and hopefully touched someones life or made their day just a little better just by fulfilling a childhood dream.

Happy Birthday Matt!

2005-06-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my lovely boyfriend Matt's birthday. He is 18 now and I am so happy for him. I only wish I was with him to celebrate the fact that I won't get looked at wierd when people find out he is younger than me anymore! I'm just kidding on that one. But I do wish I was there with him. I know when I had my last birthday I was so against it all, but I still had Matt to call on and cry on. I know he wouldn't be crying on my shoulder, but I feel like I should be there. Like I owe it to him. I know he says that I owe him nothing, I still can't wish I was there for him today like he was for me. But I know that I can always make it up to him sooner or later....lol.
To my sweetheart, I love you so much and I want to wish you a very happy birthday.

2005-06-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

Long time no talk! I guess things have been so crazy that I never got a chance to sit down and write about how things have been. I have been busy helping my brother pack up my dad's house, but I really won't get into that one just because I am not speaking to my father due to this. Anyways I am up here in Omaha with everyone. Matt came up here with us (I think it was mostly because he didn't want to see me leave), and he left this morning. I miss him so much already. I wish he could have stayed but I understand he had to go back home. I have to admit I had a hard time watching him go but I know that this isn't a permanent separation so that made it so much easier. After Matt left I sat on the porch for about 10 minutes and then I went inside and put on his hoodie and tried to keep myself from crying. I know it sounds really stupid but being away from him is so hard. He literally has kept me alive these last few weeks. His love was what made me get up in the morning. And it still does. I miss him. I miss hearing his laughter while I am tickling him. I miss him holding me in his arms and making me feel as if nothing will ever harm me. I miss seeing his smile. Hell I even miss that boy's gas! You know what? This whole love thing is just plain wierd sometimes, but I love it!

Prom

2005-06-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have yet to write about prom so I will today, even though prom was 2 weeks ago. Better late than never right? So about prom. It was on May 21 and it was held at Union Hall. Matt was my date (of course) and we took a Corvette to one of the biggest nights in Borger (if I'm lying I'm dying on that one too). I wore a huge dress that was pale yellow and very poofy on the bottom. I shall try to get pictures of Matt and I up asap for those who wish to see how well I clean up for formals. Prom itself was a blast, regardless of what some of my classmates say. I have to say that I enjoyed myself. I suprized alot of people by not only how beautiful I looked (Matt's words, not mine), but how well I can dance. I sure suprized Matt! He didn't realized that I could freak dance as well as I can and wooo wee I loved the look on his face when I got down and dirty to my rap song "Get Low." After prom we went to Amarillo with Carlos and Natalee and went to get some food at IHOP. Then I think we left Amarillo around 3 a.m. because I got home sometime after 4 a.m. If I had been more tired than I was, I might have fallen asleep in my dress but I had enough energy to take it off. Then I slept all day the next day. But I have to say that prom rocked and I wouldn't do it again!!!!

Graduation

2005-06-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

So it has been a little bit since I last wrote in here but I guess I should start from the beginning. Let's see then I graduated from high school on May 27 and oh my gosh that was so exciting!! I have never been so proud of myself, yet at the same time I was telling myself I could have done alot better in school. I had to keep telling myself to not throw up or pass out as I walked across the stage because I was so excited and nervous at the same time. And then I got to sit and watch my two best friends graduate and I was never so proud of them. I thoguht that if it hadn't of been for them, I might not have made it through my four years at Borger High. To Allie and Matt, thank you for all the memories and for all the love and support. You guys are the reason I wanted to stay here in Borger. I will miss Borger High so much, even though I complained so much about it. Farewell to BHS! And congrats to all the graduates of 2005!

Thoughts About The Future

2005-05-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the Senior Slideshow and Candlelighting. Oh man that was so memorable but at the same time it was something that I wish hadn't come. Mostly because it means that graduation is just around the corner. In my last post I was saying how I wanted so badly not to graduate but things have happened lately that have totally changed my mind. Matt and I have been thinking alot about our future and have started talking about getting married. I know some people might say that we are too young to know what we want and if we are ready to make that big of a step but we have to start thinking about these things. With me leaving within a few weeks (if my job comes in) for basic, Matt and I really have to decide whats up with us and if we want to try and do this. I love him with all my heart and I couldn't stand to be without him. He's everything to me. I honestly can't see myself in 30 years without him by my side. I know that even if I was to make this giant leap and do something I swore I would never do, I would be very confident in my decision. They say that when you meet that certain someone who you are meant to be with everything inside you just clicks one day and you know. I know he is the one for me. I could have all feeling taken from me and just looking at him I would know that I am supposed to be with him for the rest of my natural life, and then some. And even if Matt and I don't take those sacred vows one day, I will always be with him and love him. I can't help but love him. I want all those things that I swore never to want with him. I want to become a mother one day (if it is what God wants). I want to be referred to as "Matt's wife" or "Mrs. Rivera". I want the little house that has dogs in the backyard and Pettitte running around the house/neighborhood. I want all that. But mostly, I want it with him. Is that crazy of me or am just a love struck teenager who needs to grow up a little more?

Empty

2005-05-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Loving you is an easy thing to do,
But I sometimes wonder where your heart is when you are loving me.

How I long to feel your love,
Yet some nights I fall asleep still waiting for the warm, tingly feeling I once felt with your touch.

My heart can bear no more emptiness,
Even though I continue to tell myself that this is all just a phase and I will soon be full of what I long to feel from you.

How Long

2005-05-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

How long must I continue to fight this fight?
When will you give in to me and realize how right we are for each other?

Why do we disregard all feelings for one another,
When we both hear each other's hearts calling out like a siren?

How many more days must I ignore what I feel for you and act like nothing is wrong,
When it pains every fiber in me when I see you two together?

Am I going to wear this mask forever,
Or will you see what is right in front of you and take your mask off too?

How long must I continue to hide in the shadows,
When I know we both want nothing more than to be out in the open with the sunshine upon us?

So will you please answer these questions for me,
Or will I have to wait for your love longer than I already have?

2005-05-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

Graduation is rapidly approaching and I am getting so scared and so excited all at the same time. Today I got my cap and gown and I wanted to start crying. I know I gripe about how lame or boring Borger High really is, but deep down I love this little one horse town. I mean if it wasn't for Borger, I might not have met some people who have changed me so much and helped turn me into the young lady I am today (yes Mandie I called myself a lady). I also might not have met the one guy in this world who makes me truly happy and who I feel safe and secure with. I owe so much to this town and will always remember this town for all the friends I have gained, lessons I have learned, and memories I have made. Dang do I really have to graduate? I wanna stay a teenager here forever!!

2005-05-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was the senior awards and I was up for Most Friendliest. Well I didn't win but it's ok. I lost to Kaylee Newton, but it's ok. I was happy to just be nominated. Allie and Matt were nominated too (Allie was up for Most Curteous and Matt was up for Most Dependable) and none of us won so we celebrated afterwards. It was fun, even though I lost. Congrats to all those who won!!

2005-05-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes why my heart never let go of Matt when we broke up soon after Nana died. Then other times I wonder why I didn't just give up on him and I fully after our break up last February. Today I am glad my heart never let go and I never gave up on him and I. Matt has brung so much into my life these past few years, and even more these last 2 months. He has shown me what true, unconditional love is. He has helped me break down so many walls within my heart, and kept them from going back up. Matt has brought a much needed happiness into my world. He has given me something solid that I can always rely on, and I love him so much for that. I love you Matt. Thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend, and at the same time, my best friend.

Love

2005-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

Love. What exactly is love? It isn't something you can touch, but you sure as hell can feel it. And love isn't something you can go to Wal-Mart and buy. You are given the love you recieve. There is no price on love, but if there was a price, it would be too expensive for any one person to buy. I know that if you were to read my blog from the time I started it to now, my view has changed dramatically. At one point I was letting go to something that I thought was love and swearing off males forever, and today my entire world revolves around a boy I have never fully gotten out of my system since I was 15 years old. I hope people who stumble along this journal of my senior year in high school think of me as just an average teenage girl who is just trying to survive in this big world and trying to figure it out as she goes along. I hope strangers see me as a girl who wants to make a difference, not someone who wants to mess things up even more. I want to be seen as a do-er, not just a thinker. You are probably wondering where I am going with this and I will now take you there. I realize now that in order to survive in this world, you must have experienced some kind of love outside of your family. In order to have compassion for others, being shown the different type of love depend on it. And love also helps make a difference in this world, no matter your age, race, or skin color. Learning love then gives we, as humans, the desire to want something more, and doing something about it. I mean who the hell has ever heard of someone doing something that they absolutely hated for fun? Love is what makes them do that certain something. Love makes us get up in the morning, and dread going to bed at night. Love makes us want to help our loved ones when they are down, or do random acts of kindness for a person we have never met in our life and will probably never have contact with ever again. Love makes the world go 'round. And as the Beatles once sang, love is all you need.

It's A Girl!!

2005-05-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

We have a new addition to my family! And her name is Braedyn Lillianna. Gosh she's so adorable!! Braedyn was born on April 28 and she is a healthy one. Kelly and her are doing just fine and Bruin and Bailey are too excited over their sisters arrival. And Doyle is probably very excited on his new bundle. I love you guys!!

2005-05-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

This is my Memother and Brandt. I think he was only a few weeks old in this picture but having Braedyn in the family now made me think of Brandt and how big that boy has gotten!!

2005-05-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

This is Braedyn Lillianna. Isn't she just the cutest thing ever??

2005-05-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

This is a recent picture of Matt and I. I love it!!

Before You Walk Out That Door

2005-05-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

Before you walk out that door,
Just tell me one thing.
Are you leaving me because you no longer love me anymore,
Or is it all for someone else?

Before you walk out that door,
Can I ask you a question?
How long did it take you to decide that our love wasn't strong enough for you,
That it was weak enough to just walk away?

Before you walk out that door,
Let me leave one solitary thought in your mind.
I never loved someone as much as I loved you,
And I will always love you in spite of everything you have ended.

2005-05-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

1. What is your middle name? Maureen
2. What is your nick name? Hopie (everyone), Hopie Taylor (Daddy Chris), Munchkin (Mandie), Froggie (Shelby), and some other ones that Matt calls me but I don't wanna share them...LOL
3. What color are your bed sheets? They are white with Sponge Bob on them. I should really grow up some....
4. How many cell phones have you owned over the years? I have only had one and I hated it! It never stopped ringing!!
5. What is your title at work? I have a full time being Matt's girlfriend. The title is pretty self explainitory...
6. Where is your computer located? In the living room.
7. How many credit cards do you have? Zero. Those things are disasters waiting to happen...
8. What kind of car do you drive? I do not drive. My dad still sees me as a child.
9. What color is it? Look at #8 for the answer...
10. If you could spend 1 day doing ANYTHING you want what would you do and where would you go? Hmm I dunno. The day is full of possibilities so I think I would just follow my heart and go from there. And take some people with me to make it even better!!
11. What is your favorite cologne/perfume? I like Curve Crush, Ralph by Ralph Lauren, and Diesel. Hmm I love Diesel. That is one good smelling man there!!!
12. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I like them both. I definately won't turn one daown if you put it in front of me!!
13. Fave type of music? All music is good music. Nothing is bad in my book!
14. Do you have any pets? Yes. I have one cat and sometimes I think he should have been a dog! He is my own personal welcoming committee!!
15. Do you floss? Am I supposed to? Just kidding. Yes I do actually. Not as often as I should though...
16. Favorite breakfast food? I like foods that can double as a dinner food as well, like pancakes. Oh man I love pancakes....
17. Yankee Candle or Party-lite? What kinda question is that? I don't even know what those are!!
18. Fave fast food restaurant? Jack In The Box!!!!
19. Fave "mall" store? Seeing me at the mall is a riot....
20. Sunrise or Sunset? I like them both. but I see sunset more often because I am actually up!
21. Best childhood memory? Any memory with Carey in it...
22. What is your sweethearts "love" nickname? What? i didn't know Matt was supposed to have one...
23. Favorite pie? Cherry is the best. I can eat a hole pie in one sitting!
24. Favorite salad dressing? Ranch. It goes good on everything!
25. Movie that best describes your life? I haven't got a clue. Ask me that in a few months.
26. Do you have business cards with your name on them? Am I suppposed to??
27. How many siblings do you have? Too many!! Just kidding. I have 2 sisters and 5 brothers.
28. Fave snack foods? I absolutely love hot cheetos. I would die for them!!
29. Have you ever met anyone in "real life" that you first knew from online? Just my step dad Bill.
30. Fave chat program? Not much of a chat room person anymore. Too much drama.
31. What time is it right now? 4:20 p.m!!! Time to go get high!! Just kidding I don't do that shit....
32. What is the last thing you ate & drank? M&M's and water. Nice mixture if you ask me....
33. Did you make someone smile today? My day isn't complete until I do!
34. Did you tell someone you loved them today? Numerous times actually....
35. Do you ever wish upon a star? Yes and I actually got my wish...
36. If you could meet two people that you've never met before who would they be? Good question...I think today I would want to meet George Washington and Anne Frank. but tomorrow it could change...
37. How many pieces of clothing are you wearing right now & what are they? I am wearing running pants, an Air Force t-shirt, a spagetti strap shirt, and my bra and panties.
38. Do you recycle? Yes. I give a hoot about all that fun stuff!
39. Favorite fruit? Oh man I can't pick just one...I love strawberries, peaches, apples, oranges, grapes, bananas, pineapples, and kiwis. I don't refuse any of them if I am offered!

AND last but not least.. this one will take some thought!!!! (Be honest but not TOO honest if you know what i mean LMAO)
40. From the time you first awake in the morning till you're completely showered, dressed & ready to leave for work or play - how many different "products" do you use & what are they? I use a very small amount of things compared to my sisters. I use shampoo, conditioner, face wash, tooth paste, mouth wash, and deoderant.

Surreal Experience

2005-04-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

I know that this isn't real,
But the hurt I feel is.

Seeing you in that car made my heart cry out for you,
But my head knew you would be able to answer its call.

Reality hit me when I saw your beautiful eyes sealed shut forever,
Even though I know I will see them once more.

Some people may never understand why my emotions took control of me for that hour,
But I know deep down you know why.

I sit here and wonder why people do such things like drink and drive,
But I cannot get any answers that will soothe my aching heart.

I know the Shattered Dreams program was created to change lives,
And I can say that I was changed in a dramatic way.

I know the wreck was fake and you really weren't killed by a drunk driver and found dead at the scene,
But the emotions and pain I felt thinking that you were dead were very real to me.

Love has no boundaries and allows me to constantly be with you,
But death makes all those boundaries appear and takes you from me.

I love you so much and this experience made me very certain of this,
So please don't do something like this.
I couldn't bear loosing you to something as tragic a drunk driving accident.

***My school performed the "Shattered Dreams" program today, and it was to raise the awareness of just how often teenagers are killed in an accident due to drunk driving. My boyfriend was involved in this and volunteered to be the victim who was found DOA (dead on arrival). This event was especially difficult for me because I could do nothing to save him, even though Matt was alive in reality. I haven't spoken to him since this morning and him not being around has honestly made me think about how much I truly would be missing him. It hurts so much because he means more to me than my own life means to me. As I told him in a letter I wrote him, all I wanted to do today was protect him. But I couldn't and I felt so helpless. I know I shouldn't have been as upset as I was but it was so hard for me NOT to cry. I do not regret this whole experience though. I was changed today. And everyone involved in the Shattered Dream program is to be thanked for that. Matt if you are reading this, I love you so much. I am so proud of you and want to say thank you for doing this. It took alot of bravery and dedication to perform it as well as you did and I will never be able to express to you how proud I truly am of you. I love you....even more than you love me.

2005-04-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

Dang today was an awesome day. The senior class voted me to be one of the friendliest senior girls! I am so excited to have even got put on the ballot. I mean there are so many friendly people in our grade and I was chosen as one of the three who will be voted on. I honestly don't know if we will vote again. But I am told by some of my friends that they think I just might win it. Of course this was coming from Austin but still. I am so honored. I always thought I was friendly and all, but this just helps me know for certain that I am. I know when we had to vote for all this I was telling people to vote for me but I didn't think that enough people would honestly vote for me! And plus the only people I told to vote for me was the people in my Astronomy class and I wasn't even that serious. But I think it's a pretty cool thing. I haven't ever gotten anything like this before and I am so honored that I was picked to be in the final 3.

2005-04-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in here for a little bit just because I have been everywhere but home. Not much has really happened since I last wrote anyways. The only big thing that happened was that Allie isn't going to prom with Jared anymore, but instead she is going with Dillon. Yeah! I am so excited because Matt and I really set this one up and it is working out really well. I think that Dillon likes Allie and Matt does too. And I think that Allie likes him too. But she doesn't want to get burned, which is totally understandable. I think Dillon would be good for her though. He is such a great guy. And he knows better than to mess with people who are close to Matt and I. Or at least he knows better than to mess with people we love and hurt them. But Dillon isn't that kinda guy so I hope everything works for the best with them two.
Hmm on to better news. Mom is making my prom dress because Dad refused to buy the one I wanted for me. All because I don't want prom to be a huge deal. Call me stupid, but I will have graduation like less than a week later and I really don't want to have everyones excitement blown over prom. I mean I might not remember my prom 30 years from now, but I will remember my high school graduation. So why get excited about something that I might not remember?Dad didn't really see things the way I did but hell I can ask people to get excited about prom or not to get excited about prom if I want. It is my prom after all.
But anyways that really has been the excitment of the week for me. I didn't have school today so Matt and I got to stay out until 1 a.m. this morning. It was quite eventful. I should say the night in general was eventful. We were at his house with his parents, Allie, and Carlos until 10:30 or so. We all sat outside and talked and ate. It was really fun. Well I should go because I gotta finish calling my DEP group and call Matt. See ya!

2005-04-18T02:45:00.000-07:00

1. FIRST NAME? Hope
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I know my first name wasn't but my middle name (Maureen) was after my great grandmother.
3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Sometimes I do, other times I don't.
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? The middle finger. I love to flip people pff when I get pissed at them!
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I refuse to answer that one. But I can say that it was recently....
6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I dunno. Some days I love it and others I hate it.
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey!!
8. ANY BAD HABITS? Way too many to list. Or at least I think I have alot of them but others might question that one....
9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Dude I have no shame in the music I listen to. But Mandie or Lisa would say that it would have to be my New Kids On The Block cd I burned. But I absolutely love it!!
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah I'm fun to be around. At least that is what people tell me.
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Duhh!! I live to do things people wouldn't expect me to do, especially stuff others wouldn't.
12. YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NOT TELL? I don't break my promises. Even if it is a life or death situation. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason for bad stuff to happen if I opened my mouth. Sounds dumb but that's just how I am. I tell nothing, so my friends always tell me the good stuff!
13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Looks are a perk. Personality is all I look for in a guy.
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I run my little heart out or I write to vent my anger.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? If I ain't at home, I am always with Matt. He is my second home...
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yeah right. Winning my trust is like escaping Alcatraz. Very very hard but if you keep swimming it just might happen....
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My Pound Puppy Spot that Carey gave me. He sleeps with me every night.
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Math!! I absolutely hate math! I think I wanna go back in time and kill whomever invented the subject!
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yeah I have quiet a few.
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only every other split second. Heck I am even sarcastic in my sleep!!
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Not yet. Key word yet...
22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? It's all about the personality for me. And he's gotta make me laugh, be comfortable, and I have to be able to trust him. So most of my guy friends eventually become a boyfriend or someone I like.
23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Dude if I listed all of them, we would be here all night long!!
24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck yeah I would. I did the bungee thing at Six Flags and I loved it. I would so do it again, only this time I would know what to expect.
25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on how lazy I am at the moment. But most of the time I don't. I don't feel like fooling with them.
26. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? What kind of strong are we talking about? Because emotionally I am stronger than some of the senior citizens in Borger. But physically, I have strength in my legs, but not so much in my arms. I really gotta work on that....
27. SHOE SIZE? I got big ole feet. I wear an 8 1/2 or 9.
28. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? I have all the ones that God gave me.
29. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Carey Renae. I miss the other half of my brain wave...
30. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE? In Matt's arms. Yeah I know that is corny but I feel so safe when I am with him...
31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Cross Canadian Ragweed. They kick ass baby!!
32. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? I ate a McChicken from Mickey D's. It was yummy!!
33. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Matt. I always call him and tell him nite and that I love him....
34. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Eyes. I love looking into them because they tell you everything.
35 WHO MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST? Matt. I even smile around him when I am pissed at him. I can't help but smile around him....
36. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Fantastic. You?
37. EYE COLOR? Shit brown. Or at least that is what Dad tells me....
38. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? In a few weeks yes. But now, nope.
39. SIBLINGS? I got 2 sisters and 5 brothers (one is deceased and 3 are step brothers).
40. FAVORITE MONTH? June. It makes the summer really begin for me.
41. FAVORITE FOOD? I love Italian food. Can't get enough of it!
42 LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sahara with (you guessed it!) Matt. I liked it, especially when they pulled a Panama.
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? May 27. I graduate then!
44. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Me, shy? You have got to be kidding me!!
45. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I love them both. I am just a weird one....
46. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I like the relationship I am in right now. So take that one how you want it.
47. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Hmm let's see. I am reading The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks, Bleachers by John Grisham, The King Of Tort by John Grisham, and The Brethren by John Grisham. I am sure that there are maybe 2 more in there somewhere but I can't remember...
48. WHAT'S A GOOD WORD/PHRASE TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF? Ask my friends and family on that one. But I guarentee that you will get a mixture of answers!!
49. WHAT'S THE BEST LESSON YOU'VE LEARNED LATELY? Let your heart lead you. It will take you to good places.
50. DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO FILL THIS OUT AND SEND IT BACK? Only if they copy/paste it onto my comment board!!

2005-04-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

Am I totally invisble to you,
Or do you just get a thrill out of ignoring me?

Do you ever understand the pain I feel when you make fun of me with your friends,
But when we are alone you say that you love me?

Will you ever see the desire in my eyes for you to stop hiding me from everyone,
And show them how you truly do love me?

How long must I sit in the shadows,
Waiting for you to make up your mind as to where we actually stand?

When will you stop hurting me,
And admit to yourself that we really should be together?

Jackass #1 Is Back...

2005-04-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

Guess who emailed me the other day and had the decency to write back? Jon. Well he asked me to call him and I barely opened the email up 5 minutes ago and thought why not. I mean I am trying my hardest to be his friend. So I call him up and he gets a pissy with me for calling. Hello?? What is wrong with this picture? He told me to call!! Jon is supposedly with "the girl he loves" and I was interrupting there fuck fest. I don't know if that was what they were doing but damn. He needs to realize that until last week, I was perfectly fine without his ass, Matt wasn't having dreams that I am going back to the proud member of the Butthole Patrol, and I was actually getting some sleep at night! Jon must think that he can just come in and out of my life with no restrictions, but all he is doing is fucking things up again!! I am just waiting for him to call back so I can let him have a piece of my mind. I am so tempted to give him Matt's cell number and let Matt deal with Jackass #1, but I can't let someone else fight my battles. Jon has some nerve trying to come back into my life. But I swear this time, my heart won't be broken. In fact, I am going to seal the cracks in it a.s.ap.

I Love You

2005-04-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

I love you,
And only you know why.
I have hide no secrets from you,
Because talking to you makes everything seem so much better.

I love you,
I cannot deny it.
My heart flutters when I am with you,
My esteem soars.
I always feel as if I can do anything as long as I am close to you.

I love you,
Only you and I know it's true.
Everyone in this world could try to come between us,
And I would still run to you.

I love you,
And always will.
My age may increase,
But my love for you will never age.

2005-04-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

My life has been consumed by hurt and pain,
Then you came into my life and things began to pick up.

I began doing things that I never would have.
I started believing in love,
Believing that there could actually be a certain someone out there just waiting for me.

Since we have known each other,
There has been quite a few smooth times,
And a fair share of rocky moments.
Yet despite all the bad,
My heart still calls your name.

I don't think I will ever comprehend my feelings for you,
But one thing is for certain.
My love for you may either grow or diminish,
But I will always remember the love we have shared.
And I will always have the luxury to say that I was loved by you.

The Fight

2005-04-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

How many times must I tell you we are through?
I loved you so long and yet I stand in the doorway fighting you,
Telling you to go away.
Not long before this moment,
I sat in the bathroom telling myself how much I was better off without you,
Not knowing I would have to repeat this ritual yet again today.
Too long have I allowed you to stand on my stoop and profess your love,
And too long I lingered next to my door,
Fighting myself,
Arguing as to why I shouldn't go to you.
The weak girl in me says run into your arms and forgive you,
When the strong girl is reminding me of the pain and anguish you put me through.
As time passes,
You eventually disappear.
I can back away from the door and return to my life.
But part of me will always be at that end of the door,
Praying you don't come back.

Love

2005-04-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

My sister brought up a very good topic in her blog and it has got my brain churning. Is love a conditional thing or not? I think it is. I feel as if love is something that everyone will experience at least, twice if you are truly lucky. I can say that the only love I have ever experienced, besides my family and friends, is from Matt. Some people might say that what I felt for Jon and hell I might have said the same thing before Matt and I ever happened (again). My feelings for Jon are nowhere near as deep as my feelings for Matt are. I don't mean to say that in a mean way, but it's true. Matt makes me happier in one day than Jon could have in a life time.I never could quite understand this until I opened my eyes and saw it. Yes that sounds so corny of me but hell it's true. And everyone knows that I can't help but speak what is on my mind. I was just born like that I guess. But back to the conditional love. I think that there is two kinds of love. And they are conditional and unconditional. And they both are expressed at some point in life. One we won't realize we are expressing (conditional) and the other we will always express for as long as God allows us to grace ourselves here on Earth (unconditional). Some people who read this on purpose or just stumble along it may think "What does some 18 year old girl know about love?" Well for those who are wondering, I know just a little bit more about love than my age lets off. I watched both of my sisters date while I was growing up and thought that boys were evil things. I learned about love not only through years of break up and listening to Lisa and Mandie, but I learned some hard lessons all on my own. I never understood my sisters when they would tell me to be careful with love as a child. But now I not only understand, I think I might understand it a little more than they do. Keep in mind I said might.....

Class of 2005

2005-03-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

The time has come.
We are being set out into the world as proud graduates of Borger High.

For some of us,
Our first step into society will be college.
Others will take the honor of serving in our nation's military.
And some will take this time to find themselves before they make their way into the unknown.

Though we are parting ways from those we know and things that are familiar to us,
We will always have the memories of each other.
Whether it be memories of being "fishies,"
Or ruling the school,
The memories of our class will stay with us forever.

No matter what this life may throw at us,
One thing is for sure.
The Borger High graduating class of 2005 will always hold a special place in everyone's hearts.

Congradulations and the best of luck to all the seniors,
And to those to come.

Look In My Eyes

2005-03-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

Look in my eyes,
Tell me what you see.
Do you see the hurt that is inflicted upon me?

Look in my eyes,
Tell me what I feel.
Can you see the desperation to be loved by others?

Look in my eyes,
Tell me what you hear.
How long will you ignore the suffering in my voice?

Look in my eyes,
Tell me how you see me.
Don't you see how I not only fear you,
But I fear myself?

*I am thinking about entering this is a contest. Let me know if this is good enough to send in!

2005-03-30T21:27:00.000-08:00

Dang this was a long time ago but I absolutely loved my hair!

2005-03-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

Gosh I love this boy...

2005-03-30T21:25:00.000-08:00

Matt and I. Gosh I think this is like the only pic I have of the two of us...

2005-03-30T21:24:00.000-08:00

It's my Carey Renae!

2005-03-30T21:23:00.000-08:00

Just me hanging with Allie and Matt.

2005-03-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

I love this picture of me. Allie says that it is my sexy picture..

2005-03-30T21:17:00.000-08:00

See?? I really am royalty!

2005-03-30T21:16:00.000-08:00

Mandie and I eating dinner over Spring Break. I love this picture of us!

2005-03-30T21:13:00.000-08:00

This is me trying on prom dresses. I really liked this one too...

Explosion

2005-03-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

Late last night there was an explosion at the plant. I don't know anything except that one minute I heard a loud "BOOM" and about 2 seconds later there was a shockwave that hit the house and knocked things off the wall. I ran outside as soon as I felt the shockwave and I could literally hear the roar of the flame all the way here. And the plant is maybe 7 miles from here. So you can just imagine how big the flame was if I could hear it loud and clear from such a distance. I don't know the extent of the damage done, but I have heard that one person died. Possibly two. I also heard that alot of people are injured, which is to be expected. I'm just glad that Dad wasn't out there. Dad and I have had our share of problems lately, but it would still kill me if he would have been hurt out there. And I don't even want to think what would have happened if Dad had died out there. That would have rocked me to the core, especially since I practically grew up in the chemical plant world. And I have family who have worked out there in that mess. I wouldn't be able to surround myself with Borger, because this is a town that revolves around the work that the chemical plant gives. That really is the lively hood of Borger. An explosion here will basically end this town forever. I'm glad that it wasn't too bad. Now all I can do is pray that something like this doesn't happen again.

New Stuff In My World

2005-03-23T23:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't really written in here lately but I have been gone for Spring Break. But alot has happened. Matt and I are back together (don't know if I blogged about that) and on Tuesday he told me that he loves me. Oh my gosh I was so excited because I had been trying to figure out how I was gonna tell him! But I'm really glad that is out in the open because Matt can just tell when I have something on my mind. And I wouldn't have been able to say "nothing" because that is something. So I had to get my head out from between my legs and say something. And I'm glad I did. Matt makes me happier than anything in this world. And lately I have needed this happiness. Because lets face it. I hate being home because Dad and I are always fighting and that brings me down to the ground quicker than wind blowing a tumble weed along the road. I'm always in a depressed mood at home. I crave school because my friends bring me back up to my normal, happy-go-lucky mood. I think nowdays the only time I am really and truly happy is when I am either at school or out with my friends. I know my happy self will come back full time within the next few months, but I wonder where in the world she has been in the last few months. I kinda miss her.
Anyways, Spring Break rocked. I had so much fun in Omaha. Yeah I know it's weird for me to say I had fun where the Yankees roam free, but I did. I missed Mom and Mandie so much. And I have really needed them alot here lately. My spirits have been down, but they were so high I think NASA was gonna call and wonder what was bursting through the atmosphere! We all had so much fun playing Uno (Skank!), Trivial Pursuit (Peter Meter!), and just hanging out. I made me a song (I love me) and smelled like a boy all day. Oh and my gas!! It was so funny! I ran Mandie out of the room so many times it wasn't funny. Ok yeah it was funny. I laugh so hard the one time I was layin on the floor and stuck my butt in the air and farted. And the smell didn't go away! It just grew!! Holy doo doo that was funny. I couldn't stop laughing. Hell I'm laughing about it right now! My Spring Break was by far one of the best I have ever had.
Back to this week. I told Jordan Cole off for telling Matt that we shouldn't be together. I gotta go back in time for a second to explain this one. Jordan has liked Matt since last year. Well she knew that after Matt and I broke up last year that she could make her move on him. She did and I guess she could tell Matt was still wrapped up in me, so she told him that I cheated on him with Mark James. Matt never believed her because that shit ain't me. I would never cheat on anyone. Anyways I told him everything (again) and he knew she was lying about it all. So back to me bitching her out. Jordan told Matt that we shouldn't be together because I would cheat again. Matt told her that he knew nothing happened with Mark and I and she said that I lied to him, that I kissed Mark back (which I so didn't!). Anywho, Matt could tell I was pissed so he handed me the phone and I told her to "get her fucking story straight before she went and ran her mouth" and that I would get Mark on the phone and he would tell her he came onto me. Then I hung up. Damn that felt so good! I just hope she doesn't try anything else. Because I ain't done with her. Not by a long shot.
So that's what is new in Hopeland. Pretty interesting huh??

Catching Up

2005-03-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. I'm finally back. Dad put me back on the computer so I think my "grounding" is over. Alot has happened since I last wrote. Dad and I started fighting more, but now we are civil to each other. Things are much better than they have been. He is even letting me go out with my friends on the weekends, instead of being under house arrest. So that aspect of my life has improved dramatically.
And my love life has changed too. Matt and I are back together. This makes it our 3rd time to date but I don't care. There is something about him that I can't quiet put my finger on, but he makes me feel so safe and secure. He always has. And if the question on your mind is "What about Joe?", then I will tell you. I realized this weekend that I can't continue lying to myself about what I want anymore. Sure I want Joe, but he is nowhere near me. I want someone who is here, just a few minutes away. Matt is here, and I want to follow what my ole ticker is telling me to do. And that is to go with Matt. I told Joe this and he told me that all he wants is for me to be happy. So we are just going to be friends for now and maybe one day we will try it again, because you can never predict me in a relationship.
Ok so here is my news for today. I gave blood and when I was giving it, I passed smooth out. I remember feeling really hot and closing my eyes. Then when I came to, I could hear people calling my name and asking me if I was ok and to wake up. I didn't realize I had passed out until Kris told me I had and started picking on me about it. But I have no shame because hell, passing out is pretty common when giving blood. And at least I went to give blood and didn't chicken out because I am scared of needles. I hate needles with a passiom too so it took alot for me to go and give blood. I got to miss 1 1/2 classes in school today so I guess it wasn't all that bad. But I was really cold before I left the gym so I was glad to go back to class. But word travels fast and alot of the school knew I passed out. I don't care though. Shit happens.
Besides passing out, my day went pretty good. And oh yeah...Matt and I are going to prom. Guess I gotta go shopping now. Yeehaw.

2005-02-23T15:36:00.000-08:00

Things have really sucked lately. Dennis has deleted me from the computer at the house so right now I am at the library. I can't use the phone but slick ole me found a phone that everyone had forgot about so I can sneak phone use, which totally kicks ass. I miss Joe alot. I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week so I am driving myself crazy without him. Thinking about him is the only thought that goes through my mind when I am in hell a.k.a. home. I won't go into the details as to why I am grounded because they are fucking stupid and it will just piss me off again. And today was a good day so I ain't gonna ruin it. But I will say that Dennis and Pam broke up and he says it is all my fault. I don't really care anymore. Dennis says he can keep my family from me but that asshole has another thing coming. He can't keep me from talking/seeing my mother no matter what his dumb ass thinks. Mandie, tell Mom to make sure he can't do this because it has a bigger chance of it getting back to Dennis if I check it out. I know he can't but he will try to pull a fast one on all of us and ruin my Spring Break (again). If you don't get to read this then I will call you when I get home (if Dennis isn't there) and fill you in.
Anyways I know this is gonna sound really cheesey of me but if I keep talking about Dennis, I'm gonna break something. You know that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well I believe in this statement. I am missing Joe so much it hurts. I had a dream about him coming up here to see me because he was so worried about me because of the email Mandie sent. That made me happy. But for some reason I can't smile anymore when I am home. I guess it's because you can cut the tension with a knife its so thick. I wish Joe was closer to me. I hate not being able to talk to him or see his heart melting smile. Just knowing that he is somewhere thinking about me brings peace to my already hurting heart. He is honestly the only good thing I have besides my family and friends. I need to find his number so I can call him. I want to ask him to prom but can't do that in an email (in my opinion). I would prefer doing it in person but with him being 4-5 hours away, I can't exactly do that. But I will figure out a way to get him to come to prom with me.
Ok well this is getting pretty long and I need to get back to my personal hell. Pray for me because I don't know if I can live much longer in that house. Love y'all.

2005-02-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

My birthday really sucked. But if it wasn't for Allie and Matt, my day really would have sucked. But they made everything seem so much better. They mean the world to me. They pick me up when I am down. Catch me when I fall. Give me my daily reality checks. Make me feel better about myself when I feel bad about myself. Lately I have realized more and more how much I need those two. And they need me as well. I think that helps me get up in the morning. Knowing that somebody needs me in general makes me wanna get up. I love those two more than life. They are my guardian angels. And you gotta have one of those in this world. I'm lucky enough to have two by my side everyday.

Michael

2005-02-19T04:35:00.000-08:00

Hey little bro. I haven't talked to you in a little bit. Your big sis is about to be 18 and you will forever be a child. But in my heart, you are this boy who will be 11 years old soon. I always think of you on Mother's day. I know I was too little to remember the day you came and left us, so Mother's day is when I always sing to you the birthday song. I then sit down somewhere and think what it would have been like to be your older sister. I wonder what kind of person you would be like. Because in my mind, we are almost alike. You are smart, and if you have troubles with your homework you come to me and ask for help. I always help you with your history homework, but you never have a worry when it comes to math. Thinking that I help you with homework make me think about our parents divorce. You would have been 5 when they separated and 7 when they divorced. Where would you have gone? I know I would have gone where ever the courts would have sent you. I wouldn't have wanted you to go anywhere by yourself. Who would play with you? Who would you run to when Mom or Dad upset you? Who would you go sleep with on stormy nights and you got scared? I had Lisa and Mandie to do that with, and I would want you to have me in those times when all you want is love and comfort.
I think about what you look like. Would you have looked like Mom or Dad. I am told I look like them both so would we look alike? Would you have Mom's green eyes or Dad's brown eyes. Would your hair be blonde or brunette? Would you have been tall like Papa or short like Nana? A clean freak like Memother or laid back like Poppy? I wonder what kind of person you would be. Are you a little brat or sweet and good? I know I shouldn't think about this in such depth, but I can't help it. You are the little brother I didn't get to have. That Matt didn't get to have. You are the lost son, but you will never be forgotten. Our parents may never talk about you, but they do think about you. I think about you all the time. I miss you, even though you are just a memory to me. I love you. You aren't just the baby brother that was lost to me. You are the little brother who went off to a much better place. And I know that Nana and Papa are taking care of you until I am there to meet you for the first time. Hopefully that time isn't too soon because I am going off to serve our country. But if I do come home to you, I promise you we will go play.

*I have just written about the one family member I rarely talk about. His name is Michael Chance Moore and he is my little brother. He died when I was 7 years old.

2005-02-16T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to believe Jon when he says that he wants to be just friends. I honestly don't know about the whole girlfriend thing but he told me he can tell that I have changed alot since we last spoke. I am happy again. He admitted that he royally fucked me up when it comes to relationships but hell I probably did the same thing to him. But I'm ok now. I am a brand new person. Joe helped me see the light. He made me realize that I deserve to be happy. And he did all this without telling me it. He also helped me see that being in a relationship isn't a bad thing, that it actually can be good for a person. Hell I owe alot to Joe already. Just him being in my life this past few weeks has put alot of positiveness in me. And I need that. I have needed that for a LONG time.

2005-02-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm all smiles right now. I got an email from Joe and that made my day. He's working alot and going to school at the same time and was trying to apologize for us not being able to talk lately. Hell if only he had seen my schedule sophmore and junior year. I would get up at 6 every morning, get to school around 7:30 am and be there till I had to go to track practice at 3 pm. Then I'd be at the track doing my workouts for Coach Young from 3 pm-6 or 6:30 pm, if I was lucky enough to get out of there that early. Then I would go back up to the school and be at One Act practice from whenever I left track to somewhere around 9:30 pm or 10 pm. Then I would go home, eat my dinner, take a bath, go do my homework and usually fall asleep doing it. Then I would wake up and start the whole process again. Now that was some crazy shit. And I never really got a good nights rest until Saturday because I would have a track meet that day and come home and go to bed. Nobody ever messed with me on Sundays. I would scream at Matt if he tried to wake me up anytime before 1 pm. Dad rarely bothered me. The only times he did was when he really needed me to go somewhere with him. And I would only go because I was promised more sleep when we got home. So boy do I understand what Joe is going through.
Dang he makes me so happy. And you know who now knows about me and Joe? Jon. I talked to him last night and I told him about my new (and much better) man. Jon sounded a little upset but he said he had a new girlfriend. No comment there. But I am really proud of myself. I have been this big chicken shit. I have been so scared of getting hurt again it took me close to 7 months to put myself back on the dating scene. Then I met Joe and I am totally comfortable with him. I feel like I have known him for my entire life. As if he has always been around, yet he just came into my life about 3 weeks ago. We started talking at the end of January. But I say we started dating on the 6th. I don't think he would fight me on that either. Mostly because he needs to use his energy in more productive ways. Have I mentioned that he makes me happy?

2005-02-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

I really haven't written in here lately because I really haven't felt like it. But here's the scoop on my life for the past couple days since the email from Jon. I have been feeling like shit but have been sucking it up because I have too. We don't have school Friday so that's a plus. But Pam is coming so that I wish I had a reason to be all bitchy. And I don't get PMS so I can't blame it on that. I don't really want her to come because I am being forced to celebrate my fucking birthday. If Pam wasn't coming, Dad wouldn't even know it was my birthday and I wouldn't have to celebrate the whole thing. But because Pam is coming, I have to go shopping in Amarillo when I am supposed to be in Perryton for my DEP meeting for the Air Force. Dad is making me go shopping too. As if shopping is gonna help me "bond" with Pam. All it's gonna do is bore me to death. I hate shopping. It is the most boring thing to me (after golf that is). I don't "bond" with people through shopping. I "bond" through baseball. Running. Texas A&M. Hell even through politics. But not through shopping or anything girlie. Yeah me and my sisters go shopping but they know how I am when it comes to shopping. Get in, buy what I want, and get out. Three easy steps. I don't like to linger. I absolutely hate lingering. And I hate people buying me things which is another reason I hate shopping because everyone thinks they have to buy me shit. I just wish my birthday would go by without any fuss and everyone would fucking listen to me and ignore the fact that I am turning 18 on Sunday. Now THAT is what I want for my birthday.

Love Quotes

2005-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. Roy Croft
Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.Sarah Bernhardt

You're nothing short of my everything.Ralph Block

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.Robert Browning

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.Janos Arnay

There is no remedy for love but to love more. Henry David Thoreau

Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness. Oliver Wendell Holmes

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones

And when love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.William Shakespeare

It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.Thomas Mann

...Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. Mozart

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. Jeanne Moreau, French Actress

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world .Unknown

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others. Francois Mauriac

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh

Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. William Shakespeare

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. Peter Ustinov

He's baaaack!!

2005-02-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

Tommorow is Valentine's Day. Whoop-dee-doo! I swear I hate that day. Even with a boyfriend it sucks. I know that I should be embracing this day because I have a boyfriend who I could possibly love one day. But I know exactly why tomorrow is gonna suck. Guess who's back? If you guessed Jon, you are right! I feel like he is coming around again to try to get me back. I can't fight him anymore. I feel as if he has like this radar that tells him when I am happy. And so that way he can come back into my life and fuck it all up again! His friend Mark says that he was on this morning asking about me. And Mark thinks that he is here in Texas. What if he tries to come see me? What if he breaks me and Joe up? Oh gosh I would kill him if he did that. I try to think positive, that maybe Jon will just want to be my friend. But the more I think about it, the more I become sure of the fact that he will try to get me back. I refuse to go back down that road. I know I have said that about a billion times but I have to keep telling myself that. I have to remind myself of the world of hurt he has put me through. Because if I don't, I will let myself go back to him. And that would mean losing Joe. I don't want to loose him. I feel so happy when I talk to him. He makes me feel the total opposite of the way Jon did. I don't want to sacrifice the happiness I have so longed for to just get hurt again.

Nana

2005-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about Nana lately. I don't know why but I find myself having my old nightmare again. It has been so long since I had it and I was actually starting to think that this particular memory had stopped haunting. But I guess I miss judged that one. I miss her so much and it is rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary. I can't help but think about her nowdays, especially to tell her that I finally met someone who makes me feel whole again. Part of me started to call her the other day. I had to catch myself and hang up the phone before the call connected. Lately I have really wished she was here. With things between me and Dad always being on thin ice, I just wish I had her to talk to and help me understand why he is this way. I find memories of her fading and it scares the living shit out of me. My memories of her are all I have left and I can't loose them. They are the only thing that keeps me from breaking down the way I did right after she died. I loved her more than a granddaughter should love a grandmother. She was more than my Nana. She was one of the few people who in my family who fully excepted me for who I am. Most of my family either tries to get me to do things I don't want to or want me to change the way I am so I will have more in common with them. I miss having her to tell me that my being so much different from my family is a blessing, not a curse. I miss everything about her. Everything from her smell to her beautiful smile. I know I was blessed to have her in my life but I want her to still be in it. I want to hear her simple words of encouragement that made such a complex situation seem so much easier. I want to hear her tell me that she is proud of all my accomplishments. I want to hug her neck and kiss her cheek. But most of all I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me. I wish that she could be there for my graduation, or hell to even talk to her on the phone afterwards if she couldn't make it. I know that these things aren't possible since she has already left me to grow older without her, but I can wish for these things right?

Preparing for the Race

2005-02-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

Walking onto the track,
I feel so free.

Seeing the other teams preparing for their different races,
I don't feel initimidated.
Instead I feel my adrenaline start to pump and my body start to come alive.

As I begin run my two warm up laps,
I get the feeling of how fierce the competition is.

I start to feel my muscles go into a trance,
One that they have gone into so many times before.

Rather than my muscles begging me to stop,
They beg me to keep running,
To push them as hard I can.

After my laps are run,
I sit down and stretch my body.

I spend all my time focusing on what hurts and what doesn't,
and then I put myself into a zone.

My zone consists of one thought: stay calm.
Nerves are pushed away,
And are replaced with a pair of running shoes with a fresh set of spikes.

I barely hear my race being called,
And I try to keep myself in the zone.

As I find a set of blocks and set them to my comfort,
I feel all sorts of emotions,
But the most consistant one is anticipation.

When my heat comes to the starting line,
I don't tell myself to go and win.
I tell myself to beat one person: me.

I hear the starter tell me to get on my marks and I place myself in the blocks,
Never moving in fear of jumping the gun.
The next word/sound are the only things I will hear for the next 30 seconds.
And they are "Set....POP!"

I run as hard as I can and without realizing it,
I am at the finish line,
Hearing a time being told to me and a great job from my coach.

And you want to know what I do next?
I get ready for another race the same way as before.

Friends In Low Places

2005-02-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
The last one to know
The last one to show
I was the last one
You thought you'd see there
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you
Said, honey, we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain
'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places
Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
Hey, I didn't mean
To cause a big scene
Just give me an hour and then
Well, I'll be as high
As that ivory tower
That you're livin' in
'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places
I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
And everything is alright
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait 'til I finish this glass
Then sweet little lady
I'll head back to the bar
And you can kiss my ass

Written by: Dewayne Blackwell, Bud Lee

The Dance

2005-02-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know
I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but
I'd of had to miss the dance

Written by: Tony Arata

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2005-02-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Written by: Kent Blazy, Garth Brooks

2005-02-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like you are so happy that you are going to bust? Well for once I can say that is me. I think me and Joe are officially dating. I only say this because last night he went into the chat room I always go into on yahoo and when I told him that they would call him my boyfriend, he responded with a simple "that's fine." I have been out of the dating scene since like what, August? It's about time I finally put both feet on the ground and walked into the world of dating. And I feel comfortable enough to be with Joe and not freak out and say that I'm not ready for a boyfriend. I am so ready for whatever is in store for him and I. I swear that Joe makes me happier than track, speech tournaments, and acting in plays ever did combined together. And thats saying alot because running made me happier than anything because I couldn't control what my body was going to allow me to run from day to day. It made me feel so free, so alive. I could feel every muscle either screaming at me to stop or telling me to keep running. I thought that nothing could ease my soul the way running did. Until I met Joe. Everything about him is better than running. He makes me feel the way my runs did, but about 500x's better. I didn't ever think anything, much less a guy, would make me feel better than my runs. I just hope that nothing happens to make all this go away.....

2005-02-06T14:50:00.000-08:00

I talked to Pam not to long ago for about 20 minutes. It was a nice conversation. She was asking me what I want for my birthday, about Joe (cause I told Dad about him earlier), what we could do when she comes down here, what kinda stores I like to shop at (when I shop that is), who's gonna win the Superbowl (the Patriots!), and how the color pink is big with guys now. I think that I am getting pretty excited about her coming down now.

You

2005-02-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

I never believed someone as good as you would come into my life.
But now that you are in it, I don't want you to leave it.

You have brought blue skies to my world when they have been so gray.
Instead of being down and sad,
I am now upbeat and happier than I have ever been in my life.

You make me want to wake up every morning just so I can talk to you and see your face.
Hearing your voice or talking to you online makes my day.

You know just what to say to make me like you more and more everyday.
I wish you were so much closer so I could express to you how much you mean to me.

Thoughts run through my mind about you that have never gone through my mind before.
And the fact that those thoughts don't scare me makes me wonder if you are the real deal.

Feelings I have never felt in my life are popping up and instead of being scared,
All I want to do is explore those feelings and emotions.

I don't know what is to become of this,
But I know that all I want is you.

Valentine

2005-02-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine
All of my lifeI have been waiting for
All you give to meYou've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly
I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams I couldn't love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time...You're all I need, my love, my Valentine
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
'Cause all I need is you, my Valentine
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine

Joe

2005-02-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered when you would meet someone who not only made you extremely happy but someone who you just hit it off immediately with? I have asked myself this question so many times because I have always been burned when it comes to men. I always thought that my love life will be one big car crash. But lately it has started to look up. I met a guy who I can not describe how great he is. His name is Joe and he is an ex marine and is a fireman. He is so awesome. He makes me laugh and makes me feel really good about myself. I have needed someone to do this for me for the longest time. I am so happy when I talk to him. Joe makes me blush and it takes ALOT for me to do that. And he makes it look so easy. We have so much in common. We both love history (and I count that as a plus), both like to read and write poetry, love to run, being outside, and so many more things that I can't even remember them all! Things about him just make me all warm and fuzzy. I rarely get the warm fuzzies too. Everytime I talk to him online I get to view his webcam and he gets to view mine as well. I said that because he will look at his cam and gosh the way he looks at me through his cam makes me turn into mush. And his smile could blind people. Yeah Mandie I know you are reading this and I know this so doesn't sound like me but I don't know why I feel all this about a guy I barely know. But I feel like I have known him for years. It's so weird. I feel like I can trust him with things I have never trusted men with ever. Heck I feel like I can trust him with things I can't even trust me with. I don't know why I feel any of this but I do. It is all so new to me because hell we all know my track record of heart breaks. I don't know how to really be my carefree, no guards up kinda person in a relationship. And I don't want this to effect anything with Joe. We aren't dating (at least I don't think we are) but I don't want my insecurities in relationships to ruin what might become of the two of us. He's so good to me and I feel like I don't deserve any of it. But I know that I do deserve to be happy. And he makes me happy so maybe he will be around for awhile....

Happy Birthday Mandie!

2005-02-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

So it's Mandie's 23rd birthday today. And she's getting really old!! I know she is reading this so I will tell you Mandie this. I love ya you old fart!! I hope you have a great day and enjoy being 23! I love you and so does everyone else. I love ya!

2005-01-30T20:36:00.000-08:00

I'm going to kill someone at my school. Some how the link for this got into someone's hands and they told Anthony what I wrote about him! And now he's pissed at me because he thinks that people are going to think something is going on with me and him. But nothing is going on! We are just friends. And I want to apologize to Anthony on here. I don't know how this link got out but I am sorry. I feel really bad about everything that has happened because of my writings. Heck half the shit I write about is my emotions (good and bad) running over a bit too much. So to whomever is running around telling everyone what I write about, you better hope I don't find out who you are because you are gonna regret telling my business to everyone!!! And this isn't a threat, it's a promise!!

It's Getting Shitty Again!!!

2005-01-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

Things between me and my dad are getting pretty rocky again. He's pissed off at me because I won't do Matt's chores. It isn't my night to do them and hasn't been since Wednesday. Dad says he doesn't care whos night it is he wants them done. And he's trying to tell me that I never do dishes when I have done them every night it was my turn. Ever since I have been home, I have only slipped up twice and I did them an extra day. I refuse to do Matt's dishes because he can't wake up and do them before he leaves for work or because he got so drunk and can't even write his own name properly. I don't think it's fair that I am always getting into trouble because Matt can't do what he's supposed to. I am tired of getting blamed for the dirty kitchen, for my stuff not having a place to be permanently because my room was taken over by Matt. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider. I hate that I don't have any room here. I hate that at anytime my stuff can be gone through. I hate that I have no privacy, that every conversation I have can and will be listened to by either my brother or my dad. I hate everything around here. I get in trouble if I am up doing homework past 11 at night, because Dad has to get up in the morning and can't sleep with the light on. Or if the television is left on and it wakes Dad up. It pisses me off because half the time I don't even turn the damn thing on. I hate sleeping in the living room because I no longer have a bedroom here. And guess what? I just got grounded because I said I am like the fucking maid around here. I always get grounded. And I always get in trouble for everything. Like Friday night I didn't know I was going to a party and everyone got really drunk so I had no way to go home so I called to stay the night at Danielle's. Well I got introuble for trying to be responsible and staying where I was. Dad says I should have called him but hell he acts like anything concerning taking me anywhere or coming to get me is one big fucking inconvienence to him. Plus he was probably on the phone with Pam so I wouldn't have been able to get ahold of him anyways! I am damn tired of being the cause of everything around that goes wrong around here. It just ain't fair. I don't know how much of this I can stand anymore......

Prom Problems

2005-01-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have a problem. I think I want to go to prom with a guy but don't know if he wants to go with me. I want to ask him to go with me but what if he is going with someone already or he doesn't wanna go with me at all? I am scared to talk to him because I am afraid it might slip and then he will reject me right then and there. Geesh now I know what it must be for the guy when they ask girls out. Totally nerve racking. I just wanna know if he wants to go with me. Because he is the only guy I wanna go with. I feel myself when I'm around him so I think if I was to promote my going, it might as well be with someone I can be natural around.

Latest news

2005-01-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Everything has sucked lately. Me and Dad fight all the time. I don't wanna go into details on it so I'm going to leave it at that. Today was actually a good day. We only fought once. I have been so unhappy lately and have wanted to get out of here. I actually started packing this morning. Lisa has offered me a place to stay with her in Houston and I was going to go. But I have to stay here so hopefully things will get better. If they don't though, I am leaving.
Anyways I quit track. Go me. I did it so me and Dad would have more time to work out all our problems and maybe now that we are civil with each other it will happen. I really want things to work out with us. I gave up the one thing I truly loved in high school for him. I swear if I gave it up for nothing heads will roll...
Ok well I'm sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed. I'll talk more about everything later. Peace and chicken grease.

Pneumonia Sucks

2005-01-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

My life really sucks right now. I have been really sick and we found out yesterday (after I had an X-Ray done) that I have pneumonia. Hurray for me! NOT! It really sucks. All I do is sleep, take my medicines, cough, potty, and sleep some more. I really haven't had an appetite lately but Dr. B said that as long as I am drinking plenty of water then that's ok. And trust me I have drank so much water, I'm expecting to turn into a camel soon! But all week I have had a fever and it has really sucked. I haven't left the house since yesterday and that's only because I had to go see Dr. B. And then she gave me a breathing treatment and then told me I had to go to the hospital for my X-Ray. But today Allie came over we went to Subway. So that was cool. I actually got out to see the world of the living. It was the highlight of my day. Hell it was the highlight of my week. Mostly because all I have really done is cough up the stuff that is in my lungs. Sounds yummy huh? It really isn't, trust me. It's just plain disgusting. Whom ever discovered pneumonia should be shot.

Why Do I?

2005-01-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

Why do I seem to always be in a world of hurt,
brought on by those who I love the most?

Why do I feel like I keep letting everyone down,
when I have done nothing to let them down?

Why do I cry over things I have no control over,
yet I am expected to suck it all up and dry my tears?

Why do I never have the courage to face the bullies in my life,
but have no problem walking away from them?

Why am I always the problem,
when I stay as far away from trouble as possible?

Why can't I make people understand how I can never believe in love,
especially since love for people is what makes me hurt so inside?

Why can't I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel,
especially if there is no light coming towards me?

Why do I feel as if my life is always going downhill,
when I have so much good in front of me?

Why won't I let myself consider dating again,
if I don't know how he feels about me?

Why do I always seem to live for others,
but when it's time to live for myself I haven't gotten a clue how?

Why can't I stand up for what I think is right,
but can express my feelings on things I know are wrong?

Why am I always hurting,
and the only way to forget the hurt is to do things I shouldn't?

Why can't I get over the fact that I feel like such an alien in my own family,
but I'm told I fit in just as well as everyone else?

Why do I feel as if the world is coming to an end,
but I have yet to hear the trumpets sound?

Why do I love all the people who have hurt me so bad in my life,
but I don't want to tell them I love them?

Why do I feel as if I am the weakest thing on the Earth,
but everyone around me tells me I am so strong?

Why do I feel as if the pain will never go away,
but deep down I know that it will deminish with time?

Why do I give my friends and family advice,
but when the situations are affecting me I can't hear what people are saying?

Why do I feel like the worst person in the world,
but I have no clue what I am feeling so awful about?

Bye For Now

2005-01-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

This might be the last time I write for a while. Dad has kicked me out of the house and I am leaving. I'm going to stay at Christy's house for a lil bit and then our friend Matt said I could move in with him when he gets his apartment. So I won't be able to vent on here for a little bit. I hope everyone who reads this has a much better life than I am having right now. Don't be like me. Pave your own road. Don't let others do it for you. Be good and stay safe.

Your Everything

2005-01-07T04:03:00.000-08:00

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
Like I've never felt with anyone else
I wana give back what you've givin' to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more then just your man
I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out for me
I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts
And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost
I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
I wanna be your everything

Sung by: Keith Urban

My Thoughts About You

2005-01-07T03:01:00.000-08:00

I don't see what you see in me,
but the thought of not having you in my life makes me wanna cry.

I don't understand why out you feel so much more comfortable around me,
than some of the more popular girls around school.

I don't know why you tell me that I am beautiful,
when there are prettier girls you could be saying those words to.

I don't know why you think that you are chubby,
when you have a great body.

I can't stand the fact that you under estimate yourself.
You are great the way you are.

I wish I could really tell you what I am feeling,
but I am too scared to put my feelings out that far.

I love the way you look at me.
It makes me feel as if I am the only girl you want to see.

I love how you kiss me.
I swear you take my breath away everytime,
and make me want to come back for more.

I love how you make me feel.
I feel so safe and secure around you.

But what really makes me glad to have you around
is how you see things in me I want others to see.

Monthly Torture

2005-01-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

My whole body is aching. My back hurts really bad and I don't have anything for it. Gosh I wish I had been born a boy sometimes. Then I wouldn't have periods. I hate them and honestly can not wait until I never have them again. I know some people might not want to know or read about my monthly torture but I don't care. This is my blog so I can write about whatever I want. I wanna be a boy...hey if I was a guy, I can say that I would be gay because I like guys alot!!

Thoughts of 2004

2004-12-31T04:43:00.000-08:00

Well another year is about to end, and a new year is about to begin. As I look back at the last year, I think about everything I have experienced. Both the good and the bad. Some of the good things I experienced were having my first serious relationship, learning to trust people more, picking a future for me after high school, and being able to rely on others in a time of severe need. The bad things of 2004 are I got my heart broken for the first time, I took a second thought about the type of person I am and am becoming, lost all trust in relationships and love, and was unable to express my true feelings for someone to them. All in all, my year was like none other year. Sure it had its ups and downs, but I grew to be the strongest I have ever been. As this year is rapidly ending, I find myself wondering what I have gotten out of 2004. And I really can't answer that question. Which makes me wonder because I have always been able to say what I have gotten out of each year. At this time last year, I could have told you that I learned what it truly felt like to lose someone so close to my heart. This year I haven't got a clue. Maybe I have gotten the true pressures of what I will be experiencing in less than 6 months. What I am getting myself into. Sure I can stop it but I don't think I will be happy with myself if I did. Part of me wants this year to end but another small part of me doesn't want 2004 to be a thing of the past. Because after this year is up, I will no longer be an innocent child. I will be a grown woman who has to pave her own way in this world without the help of others. I will finally get the independence I have so longed to have. But I will also experience some of the most drastic changes I have ever had to endure. Part of me is scared. But the stronger part of me is so excited for this new part of my life. I don't know what 2005 will bring me after May 27, but I sure hope that it is good. I need a change in pace that is actually positive. Maybe 2005 will bring me what I long for. And that is happiness with not only my experiences, but myself.

Pepper Lewis

2004-12-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

I'm at Mandie's right now. We got here around 5 this morning. It was a really long drive. But I don't know if it was worth it. Pepper, Mandie's dog, died sometime yesterday. The cold was too much for his little body. I know it is wrong of me to say this next statment but I am going to. I feel like it's my fault. If Mandie and Kristy had not of come up to Borger to get me, he might still be here. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help it. We haven't told Mandie yet, but by the time she does read this, she will know. And I want to tell you Mandie that I am so sorry about Pepper. He was such a good dog and I'm so sorry he had to go that way. I love you and hope that you will be able to cope with Pepper's death. I'm always here for you when you need me. We all loved little Pepper very much and he will be missed. And to Pepper Lewis, I love you too. You were my favorite nephew and I'll miss you.

My Lifelong Friend

2004-12-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

If I could have only one friend for the rest of my life, I would have to pick the one friend I have had my entire life, Carey. We have been best friends since she was born, because I am four months older than her. Our older siblings met in kindergarten and we have been inseparable since. The reason why I would keep only Carey is not only because she is my oldest and closet friend, but because she knows everything about me and loves me despite everything I have done and been through. I have also experienced so much with Carey. Everytime I think about a childhood memory, Carey is always in those memories. There are things that I shared with Carey I wouldn't trade to have shared them with someone else. How many people can say that they were potty trained with their best friend? Or took bathes with their best friend so that their dad could save a little time? I did all those things with Carey. I remember every summer I would go Carey's house and spend weeks at a time there. Those were the best summers of my life. There was nothing like playing outside with Carey and her dog Trapper. And when we weren't outside playing with Trapper or playing games, climbing trees, or swinging, we were inside playing with toys, watching Disney movies, or taking naps. Nowdays, I don't get to go see Carey every summer, but I still make it a point to see her. Our visits are pretty much the same as they were when we were little. Only instead of playing outside, we are outside trying to get a tan. And when we are inside, we still watch movies, but now we talk about every little thing known to man. But we mostly do that when we are getting ready to go to bed. Or when it's really late. Another reason why I would choose Carey is because I have gone through some of the worst times in my life with her. One thing that comes to mind is when my grandmother passed away two years ago. I honestly do not know what I would have done without her there when we buried Nana. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend that Nana wasn't gone, but Carey wouldn't stand for it. She did everything in her power to keep me from falling apart. Carey held my hand as we walked to the cemetary and was next to me throughout the entire burial. Carey didn't say much but I knew everything she was feeling and to be honest, she didn't have to say anything. I knew that just her being there for me said everything. Carey and I joke that we are each other's twin, just born to separate families. I think sometimes that our joke really isn't a joke, but it's real. Carey was my first friend, and I want her to be my last friend. This is why if I had to choose only one friend for the rest of my life, then I would choose Carey.

Ok I had to write that for a scholarship I am trying to win and I really like what I wrote and wanted to be able to keep it forever so I am putting it in here.

2004-12-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am a failure. Or at least to my father I am going to fail. I have never been so fucking hurt in my life by one individual person. I don't know what I did to deserve those words from him but they hurt so much. I have never failed at anything I have attempted. Well only relationships but they don't count because everyone fails at them. Why would he tell me that I am going to fail school? Doesn't he know I have colleges nation wide calling me and wanting me to go to their university? Why? Because I am a good student and work hard. Or at least I thought I did. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I will fail if even my dad thinks I will. And Mandie keeps telling me she is proud of me and what not, but the one person I want to be proud of me doesn't even think I will make it past high school. All I have ever done is work my ass off in school so I can make something of myself. And hell, if it wasn't because of me, some of my friends wouldn't even be passing some of their classes!! That is all I have done these last few years. Bust ass and help my friends pass too. But I guess that shit isn't good enough for him. I guess nothing I will ever do will be good enough for him. And that hurts me more than you can imagine....

2004-12-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I think I forgot how to walk for a split second because I fell and twisted my ankle and skinned up my knee really good. And it hurts really bad! But what I think is really funny is that Mandie was making fun of me yesterday because of it and later on she did the exact same thing! And what is even wierder is that she hurt the same knee (the right one) and twisted the same ankle (the left one) that I did. So I guess Mandie was being punished for making fun of me. But I know what she's going through and feeling because hell I did the same thing!!
But anyway nothing interesting has happened to me lately. Except I think that Austin thinks that more is going on with me and Anthony than there actually is. The only reason why I think this is because Sunday I called Anthony when he was coming home from Lubbock with Austin and ever since then, Austin has been acting wierd. Like he knows something I don't. But anyways today in government, Austin asked me if I was going to miss Anthony tomarrow because he isn't going to be in English because of a basketball tournament in Vernon. And he got a wierd look on his face after he said it so Austin knows something! I think I will interrogate him tomarrow because I hate not knowing things that involve me. Well I should go because I have to type up my vocabulary words for English. See ya!

My Week

2004-12-04T04:39:00.000-08:00

This week has kinda sucked. I have been sicker than a dog! Today I actually got to get off my sick ass and go to school. I hadn't been to school since Monday and so it was really fun. I got to see everyone and confirm that I was infact alive. Although I really didn't feel 100%. But just being out of the house and my pajamas made me feel so much better. I was a little sleepy when I got to English, so I took a nap. But I didn't listen to the story we were reading and so Hoss gave me his paper because I have let him copy mine a few times before. So that was really cool of him. But anyways it is really late so I better go. I'll continue later!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2004-11-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

So maybe today wasn't a total bust. It was actually quite nice. Dad and I cooked. And we all ate it. I tell you I think I gained about 20 lbs today. But I think that I will start working out more often so that I don't get too big (after eating everything and all). But besides that, today has been pretty good.
Lets see I guess I should tell about everything I have done lately. Tuesday night I went to the basketball game with Christy and saw Anthony play. He's pretty good. The guys lost to Pampa by two points. Isn't that crazy? But it was a really good game all together. I had alot of fun at the game. It was my first high school basketball game to go to (no joke either) and it was totally worth going back. Me and Christy are gonna start going to all the games. Well that is if they aren't too far away and stuff. After the game, we went to Wal-Mart and bought brown hair dye for my hair. I stayed the night over at Christy's and she dyed my hair for me. It looks so good. I really like it. But besides all that, nothing exciting has really happened. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving is gonna suck....

2004-11-21T22:58:00.000-08:00

I have to get up in the morning and go to school. Has the school district never heard of the holiday called Thanksgiving?? They suck ass...but its not as if I am going anywhere for Thanksgiving anyways. So I guess I can't complain too much. I was wanting to go see Mandie, but Dad shot that one down. And I think I am going to be alone on Thursday because Matt has to work and I think Dad said he did too. So my day will consist of watching movies or football, playing on the computer, or listening to CDs all day. What a day!! I don't want to do the turkey business because if we do, Dad is going to fry it and I don't like fried turkey. I just want to act as if there isn't a holiday on Thursday because it's already going to suck. And then of course comes the beloved Christmas holidays and I don't even want to put up the tree this year. I hate Christmas. Its so blah. At least for me it is. I hate the shopping, the wrapping, and the wait to see if you didn't buy people something that they will return in 3 days. And then I hate getting the gifts because I always seem to get something that I will never wear or use, like makeup or a dress. I just wanna go to the Moon for the holidays, because their is no such thing as Thanksgiving and Christmas there! Sorry if I am bumming y'all out but I am starting to really hate holidays........

The last few days

2004-11-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

So much has happened lately. Tuesday I gave blood for the first time. I tell you, I thought I had experienced pain but I guess I never had until the nurse had to move the needle while in my arm to get the bood moving into the bag. Holy crap that shit hurt! I swear I can tell you how long my vein is. Because pain was shooting up and down that vein all afternoon after I gave blood. But the nurses were really nice about it and told me everything they were doing before they did it so its not as if they suprized me by doing that. I may have a huge ass bruise on my inner left arm, but it really doesn't matter to me. I got to give blood, which was something I have always wanted to do. Despite my fear of needles I should say.
I didn't go to school today because I didn't feel good. But I also wasn't feeling good yesterday either. I literally slept all afternoon and night. I think I woke up for about 10 minutes and that was long enough to take some medicine and make me some ice water. I think Daddy is pissed off at me because I didn't go to school but he can bite me. I wasn't about to go to school and possibly get sicker. But I'm feeling better now. I love nyquil...always makes me feel better... But in a way, it didn't make me feel better. I got another letter from Jon today. I didn't write about his first letter because I wanted to forget about it. But I can't because of his second letter. At first I wasn't going to read it but I thought that I should. So I did. BIG MISTAKE!! At first, the letter was telling me about boot camp, how he's been, blah blah blah. Then he started telling me how he missed certain things about me and listed them. Grrr....but it get even better. He was saying that he knows we could never work out because of the distance but he still thinks about me and wanted to know if I ever thought of him because if I do, then he needs to know that way he can get over me. I don't know how that is relavent to his getting over me but whatever. Then right before he ended the letter, he says, (I will quote this shit) "Hope, I miss you. And if you haven't figured it out, I still love you. Jon" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!!! I am so tired of dancing around trying not to be in a world of hurt because of him. Everytime I think I am taking steps to be over him, he does this shit and I take twice the amount of steps backward that I took forward! I want him to leave me alone so I can move on with my life, but obviously I am not going to get what I want. As usual of course. Mark thinks I should tell him to leave me alone if that's what I really want, but I can't do that. I know exactly what Jon would do. He would continually pursue me until I either gave him a good reason to leave me alone or he got me back. And I swear on my Nana, I will not go back to him. I deserve so much better but I can't seem to move on because I have been so damaged by him. Everytime I start to talk to a guy, I secretly hope that he just wants to be friends because I am so scared to get into another relationship. I don't feel like many guys out there really deserve me. One day I'll find that guy but I really don't know if I want too. I think I have given up on love. Maybe I have met the guy for me, maybe I haven't. But I personally could careless.

Death

2004-11-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

Danielle's grandma died this morning. I feel so awful for her and her family because not only do I know them all very well and might be considered one of the family, but I have gone through the exact same thing within the last year. As soon as Danielle called me and told me, I knew I had to get over there. Grandma (as she had me call her) had cancer and it got the better of her. I feel so bad for Danielle because she was so close with her grandma. I know where she is coming from. When Nana died, I literally felt like one of my oldest and best friends had left me. And that a piece of me disappeared. Danielle's mom looked so relieved to see me when I got there this afternoon. She asked me to take care of Danielle and she told me that she thought that Grandma would want me to go to the funeral, to be there for Danielle. Then after I talked to her, I went and made sure Grandpa was ok. He was holding in there. I think he is still in a state of shock. I know how much he loved her so I know he is hurting. Then after I talked to Grandpa, I went and talked to Danielle in her room for a little bit. She was trying so hard not to cry but finally she gave in and cried for a few minutes. All I did was let her cry on my shoulder and let her get out as much as she would allow herself. Then we went and socialized with her brother. We did that for a little bit and finally it was getting late so I told her I should probably get going because I had homework to do. But I promised her I would come by tomarrow and see her. So I might go by after I get out of school and just have Matt take me over to her house. I feel like I have to be there for Danielle. It's my job as her friend to be there for her. I love you Danielle. I'm always here for you...

2004-11-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

I am so critical on myself sometimes. Why? I have no clue. But yet I can't seem to be positive toward myself. If somebody tells me I am attractive, I just laugh and tell them that they are either wrong or crazy. Or I tell them I don't see what they see. Because I don't. Or why is it when I have a great guy right in front of me I don't know what I want? And he knows what he wants but it doesn't involve a relationship. At least not that he is telling. But back to the critical me. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like the one thing that I do to myself that I can't stop. I wish I wasn't this way but I am. I wish I could believe people when they say that I am pretty, or beautiful, or whatever it is that they say I am. I hate that I am so hard on myself. I hate that so much but I don't know how not to be. I wish I could be easy on myself sometimes. I just don't know how to do that. You know how they say your toughest critic is yourself? Well that definately applies with me. I wish I could find someone or something to help me lighten up a little. Or at least help me see what everyone else sees in me.

My Day

2004-11-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

So today I did a nice thing. In english, we did our weekly vocabulary. And I normally finish mine and give it to Anthony (ok I'll finally reveal his name). Well he slept all class so I didn't give him my paper. But I wrote all the answers on a piece of paper and gave it to him after class. Now he owes me. And I told him too. You know what he did? He just winked. I don't know what the wink meant but it is obviously something good.
Oh I have to tell about my stupid brother and what he did. Last night he got drunk off his ass. Well let's just say he came home and wasn't feel to hot. He puked all over the place and then when he finally woke up, he was hung over BIG time. I have been picking on him all afternoon and night. I think its kinda sad that I can hold my alcohol better than him. I think he said he was drinking alot of different stuff but hell I've done the same thing! And I have never been hung over. So I guess I am the better drinker between him and I. But I don't drink often so he might be better....

2004-11-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I talked to my new guy today and he came sat by me today in English because we started watching a movie in there. He tried to throw candy at me but it didn't work because I threw it back. Then he tried to take a nap and instead he kept "waking up" and looking at me until I looked back at him. Then he would either wink at me or smile real big at me. I swear that boy either is just playing with me or wants to be more than friends. But I don't care. I would like ot be more than friends with him but I don't know if I really want to try some kind of relationship before I leave for basic. It could get serious and I don't want anything serious. So for now I'm just gonna go with the flow of everything that happens with him.

Just friends...for now...

2004-10-31T21:37:00.000-08:00

I am such a mess sometimes. I can't even predict what I am going to do or say anymore. Or feel. I thought I wanted a relationship with my new guy and after him and I talked and I found out that he didn't want a serious relationship and wanted to go with the flow between him and I, I realized that I want the exact same thing. I don't want to be tied down to anyone before I go off to the military. And if something does happen with me and the new guy, then it happens. But if it doesn't, I'm not going to be heartbroken. I want to just play along with this. If it starts to feel wrong or uncomfortable, then I will tell him. And then hopefully he will understand and give me my space. Because I always need my space every now and then.

2004-10-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Ok so alot has been happening with me and my new guy. Well last week he asked me for my number (a week ago actually). And then on Monday he apologized for not calling me but said he was looking for my number all weekend. Well then I saw him everyday in English, except for Tuesday because I was home sick. But other than that we talked everyday. Wednesday he slept all during class and I watched him. Every now and then he woke up and would look at me and smile and go back to sleep. We talked after class for a few minutes and then he went to basketball. Well today was the best so far. I saw him when I was going to my locker to get my research paper. He was talking to this guy Steven and he looked right at me and winked at me and smiled. And then (yet again) we talked all class period. And I feel kinda bad because I was supposed to grade one of his papers and Mrs. Cunningham took it away from me for some reason. So he failed the paper. I feel so bad about that..but I told him this and he said that I would have to make it up to him. I can't just let him copy my papers because hell I let him anyway (and its not because he's oh so cute!). I pointed this out to him and he agreed. So I have to make it up to him somehow. I think I will let him decide what I have to do to make up for his failing paper but it has to within reason. Maybe I might ask him to stay in town Friday night and go see a movie or something with me instead of going to the game. He wants to do something Saturday and I am gonna ask him what he wants to do in class tomarrow. I don't care what we do because I just want to be around him. He smells so good! I think he wears Curve. And I really like the smell of Curve.....

2004-10-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am so scared. What if everyone at school knows what happened? What if everyone thinks that I had this coming. That I brought this upon myself? I feel like if I do something about it everyone will find out about it and I will be constantly reminded of what happened. And if I don't do something then he will think its ok and do it again. I just don't feel safe around guys anymore. I mean there are some that I feel safe around, but a very small number. I don't want to go to class in the morning because I feel like I will be so paranoid all day around all the guys in my classes. And during passing periods. Gosh I almost forgot about those...I am gonna be so freaked out. I am gonna feel like everyone of them is going to try to touch me and I'm gonna start spasing out. What am I gonna do....

Scared and Confused

2004-10-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am so confused. I feel so violated. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. I don't know why, but I feel as if all this was my fault. I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but I can't help but feel this way. I don't want to be in the same room as him, much less the same town. I don't want to go to school Monday because I am so scared of seeing him. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay that way. I have never felt to embaressed, humiliated, or violated. I wish I could make it all go away, like a bad dream or something. I wish this had never happened. I wish I had never met him. I wish I felt like I could stand up for myself but I don't know if I can. I feel so weak but everyone keeps telling me that I am one of the strongest people they know. I know what I should do but I am too scared too. I don't want anyone to know about this. Its not something I want to be reminded of. And everyone will know because people in this town like to talk. That's all there is to do. And it's always the juicy gossip that they talk about. And this is pretty juicy so everyone will know about it by the days end. I just wanna disappear....

I Hate...

2004-10-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

I hate that I can't do certain things,
like telling people how I really feel.

I hate that some things
will always be unreachable to me.

I hate that I hurt inside,
never understanding why.

I hate being the way I am,
yet I do not know how to change.

I hate that I am not the same person I used to be;
Instead of being good and honest,
I am now rebellious and could care less.

I hate how I can never change some things,
but can change things I could don't have interest in.

I hate that I feel like love will never come to me,
even though I am told it will.

I hate high school and all its crap,
but I like it enough to stay there and not say a thing.

I hate not being noticed;
Just because I'm not pretty doesn't mean I don't exsist.

I hate not being able to drive;
When will he see that I'm not a child anymore?

I hate that I feel like a failure in so many ways,
when deep down I feel like I will amount to more than anyone else.

I hate feeling neglected;
Why do I feel like this and can't explain why?

I hate being a virgin;
Why don't I just get it over with and say I did it?

I hate that I am poor;
For once I wish money was always there,
no questions asked.

I hate that my parents are divorced;
Why would someone say that they are going to spend the rest of their life with someone and then change their mind when times get tough?

I hate being the youngest child;
Why did he have to die?

I hate being compared to my siblings;
I'm not them.

I hate that I have no life;
I am tired of rereading every book I own on the weekends.

I hate that people think I am a genius;
I'm just as dumb and screwed up as everyone else.

I hate that people don't take me seriously;
Just because I am blonde doesn't mean what I say is stupid.

I hate not being able to be the real me;
But what I hate the most is that I don't know if I hate at all.

Venting...

2004-10-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

My brother gets on my ever loving nerves!!! He is living here, free of rent and is taking advantage of that like none other. He doesn't clean up after himself (the entire house looks like a pig pen because he has all his shit strewn all over it), practically refuses to help out with bills, groceries (which he eats just about all of), or help keep this house clean. Instead, he fucking sleeps all day, spends his money of stupid ass movies and video games, and bitches about everything. I personally want him out of the house because he isn't doing shit to contribute around here. Hell he's so damn lazy around here he can't even flush the damn toilet after himself!!! Every damn time I go into the bathroom after him, I always flush the toilet because he can't seem to lift his finger that high enough to do so. And recently he has been talking about quitting his job. If he does, he had better either have another job or get the fuck out. I will not live with him if he is gonna continue to free load off of Dad when he has no job! And I have barely anytime now to get a job and I'm about to have to get a job. Just so I can help out around here. We barely have any money for things that we need. And then Dad says I have to get all my senior stuff because I will regret it later. But where's the money gonna come from if Dad is jobless? I sure as hell will not take any money from my family. Especially from my mother. She is so transparent in my life that I feel like sometimes I should just give up and realize that I am no longer the blood child but the step-child. Mandie, I know you are reading this and it may upset you but that's how I feel. I don't buy into the crap about how she never knows when I am home. She can still pick up the phone and call. She calls you. I feel like she has resented me ever since I moved out my freshman year. I have felt like this my entire high school career but never said anything because I was too afraid because I didn't want to cause yet another fight in this family. I hate it when Mom decides to play the mommy-role. It's mostly because she never plays it. It seems like she only plays it when it will benefit her. Not because she wants to. I just don't know anymore. I don't even feel like I have a mom anymore. Its like I have one every now and then. Hell and that's like next to never. I dunno. I guess its hard for me to take money from someone who is hardly there for me. I can't take anything from anyone because I had to hang out with all the guys and build this guy type pride and now I don't even think I would take something from God if it was given to me directly from God himself. I hate being poor...