My lost love

 Why is love so complicated? I fell in love with Jon and spent 4 1/2 months with him and now he's gone. Where did I go wrong? Was I even supposed to let him go? Its little questions like these that have been bombarding my mind for the last couple days since I let him go.  I know that I am only 17 years old but I know what I felt for him. And it was love. Daddy says that he was my first love so this break up is going to be harder than all the others, but I wish it didn't hurt as much as it does. Maybe the main man in my life is supposed to be my daddy.  I know this is going to make many people mad if they were to read this but maybe I'm one of those people who is meant to live a life without a significant other. I know I shouldn't think negatively like that but what if I'm right? I mean what if Jon was the only guy who I am supposed to love and I let him walk out of my life without even telling him how much his love has gotten me through these past couple months. I have never felt the way I felt for him. He made me genuinely happy. I mean for the first time in my life I actually gave a shit what I looked like when I was with him. I have never cared what I looked like when it comes to the male species. I figured that they should like me for who I am but with Jon I wanted to look good around him. I even contimplated wearing a little makeup everytime I went out on dates with him. And sometimes I did but didn't put enough on for it to be noticable. But for me makeup is a big thing because I hate wearing it...hell I don't even know how to put the shit on! But when I was with him, I wanted to be more girlie than I am. I wanted to impress him and I never have wanted to impress anyone! Not even my own family gets that pleasure!
 The one thing that I truly despise myself for was I told Jon I didn't know if I could be his friend. I want to be his friend but I don't know if I can be his friend right now. Is that so wronng of me? I mean maybe it was mean of me to say that but I truly meant it to be a temporary thing. I think we both need our space from each other, otherwise we will never be able to move on. If at all possible that is. I know that if I was still his friend I would have the hardest time forgeting my feelings about him. I am already having the hardest time thinking about moving on because I don't know if I can.
 I am not gonna lie when I say I still love him. I know that a part of me will always love him. But I know that I can't love him anymore. That hurts more than anything. I feel as if I have lost a part of me and I can't get it back. Like he's dead or something. Maybe that saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, then it's meant to be" applies here. But see if I was Jon, I wouldn't waste my time. I had my chance with him and I blew it. Instead of letting him in and talking to him about things, I do what I have been conditioned to do and that's shut it up inside. I know that I harp on my friends about talking to their boyfriend/girlfriend, but why couldn't someone have harped on me about it? Maybe I wouldn't be hurting right now if they had. But I can't blame anyone for my mistakes. I can only blame myself because I am the guilty party here. Jon did nothing wrong except let me shut him out. I'm not saying it's his fault but maybe he could have persisted more.
 I don't understand why he stayed with me for so long. Maybe it was pity. Maybe it was curiosity. Or maybe it was genuine love that kept him by my side for all those weeks. But I do know that I let the only guy I have ever loved go because I have too much pride to say those 2 timeless words: "I'm sorry."