Unsent Letter to Jon

Jon- 
 Words cannot desribe the hurt I am going through at this period in time. Yes, I have experienced worse, but this is a new kind of hurt to me. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. But I blew any chance I had with you when I refused to let you in my head. And I wish I could turn back time and allow myself to let you in. But that is something so new to me. I have family who I have never truly let in and I can't explain why I do that. Maybe its my way of controlling what people know and feel about me. Maybe I want some kind of mystery around myself. But I never wanted to be a mystery to you. I wanted to give you my whole heart, but part of me wouldn't let me do that. I guess the element of me getting hurt by letting you in an trusting you with my heart terrified me more than you could ever imagine.
 I hate the fact that I have to pick up and move on. I am tired of running. Like you told me, I need to stop running from my fears and confront them. But I don't know if I can. I should have let you help me conquer my fears so that we could still be together, but my arrogance wouldn't let me. Just the thought of a male helping me made me feel so helpless. So I had to block that out of my mind, but in the process I was blocking you out at the same time. And I am so sorry for doing that.
 I don't know where I went wrong but I do know that you did nothing wrong. All you ever did was love me, but I couldn't reciprocate that same love. Maybe I did, but not the amount that you gave. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have left long before. But for some reason you stayed. Why, I will never know. But I do know that your love got me through some tough times. You loved me despite all my problems and for a while there, you stood by my side through out all the hard times we went through. When other doubted us, you just sucked it up and told yourself that we could make it. But I don't know if I truly thought we could. And I am sorry that I had little faith in us. Because I was scared of us becoming something way more than I imagined, I figured if I kept you in the dark I could change that. But God works in mysterious ways and pushed you closer when I fought to keep you out of my heart.
 Saying goodbye to you and what we had is going to be one of the hardest things my heart will have to endure. I hope that you understand that it wasn't your fault that we broke up, that it was my own. Having you in my life, even if it was a brief amount of time, made me learn alot about relationships, life, and most importantly, you made me learn how to love. Thank you for that. I'll love you for as long as God will let me and will never forget you.
 Love always, Hope