Death

Death is a scary thing. Why must we experience the hurt of losing someone? I know that we must experience death but why must it hurt so much? My friend is having to face the possibility of losing her grandmother to cancer and it makes me think about last summer when my family and I lost Nana. It seems like when people experience death, they re-evaluate everything that has any type of meaning to them. I used to think things such as watching thet Yankees play ball on ESPN or speech tournaments were important but after Nana passed away, I took a whole new look at everything. I actually missed Yankee games for the first time in like 2 years after she passed. It made me think that maybe instead of screaming at the "boys" who were in another state or more importantly no where near me, I should spend those 2-3 hours with my family. Why is it that when someone close to you dies, it causes an unending ripple in your life? To this day, I still have nightmares about the day I told my Nana goodbye. I don't remember much of that day because I have literally blocked the mass majority of that day out of my head. The only parts I remember are the parts I have dreams about. And it is mostly of the service and burial. I hate to say that I can't remember much about that day but its very true. I think that people block out traumatic days out of their mind, and I think I have done that very same thing. I know that I should always remember that day, but I honestly wish I could pretend like that day never happened and tell myself Nana went on a permanent vacation. I know I can't but maybe that could make the hurt disapperate. Maybe I need to remember her voice. I forgot what her voice sounds like and I feel so guilty. I remember what her laugh sounded like because Daddy and her shared the same laugh. And sometimes I hear her in Daddy when he talks but it's not the same. It hurts when I wanna talk to her and I can't. There are times when I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her about nothing. But I can't do that anymore. At least not the way I want too. I know that I will always experience these urges until the day I die, but sometimes I wish I can make those urges reality. I wish that I could talk to her in other places than in my sleep (and get her to talk back), but I can't. The one thing about losing Nana was my last conversation with her. I don't even know if she knew it was me on the phone. And I don't remember telling her that I loved her. What if she passed not knowing that I loved her? I don't know if I could live with myself knowing that she left this world not knowing how much she meant to me. I hate to say that because I know my family will just deny that and tell me she knew I loved her and she loved me too but I can't help but wonder. I miss her so much and now that I am about to enter my senoir year of high school, I envy my siblings. They each got some kind of call from her and heard her tell them that she was so proud of them and I'm not gonna get that call. Its wrong of me to envy them because its not their fault they were born before me and all but I do. I hate the fact that I don't have her around to tattle on Daddy when he is being mean to me. Or to tell her about all the things that are going on in my life, or even calling her and asking her how she makes her French toast because I wanted to make it for dinner. I love her so much and life without her has been extremely hard because I really haven't been able to put words to my pain.
 Losing a loved one can either kill you or make you stronger. I experienced some of both. I know that one day I will see Nana again, but I wish that day was sooner because I just want to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her once again.