Thoughts about nothing

Ok I haven't written in a few days so I'll give all the details about what has been going on with me. I went on Thursday and officially joined the Air Force. I am really excited about that. I have some really cool jobs that I am qualified for and I hope I get one of them soon. I don't leave for basic until June, but I can't hardly wait to go in. I am so excited about everything that is going on with that right now. Hmmm lets see what else...oh I haven't really talked to Matt in a few days but I don't know if anything is going to happen with me and him. I am a little disappointed because I kinda liked him but its ok. I don't want to get into a relationship anyway. Especially now that I am in the Air Force. I think this year I am just going to be solo. And I think I am ok with that. Yeah I miss having a boyfriend and all that goes with it but I am so scared about getting hurt again like I did with Jon. I literally have nightmares about getting hurt like that again. I can't deal with that kind of hurt again. It's just something that I can't do. I put myself WAY out there with Jon and I got hurt. I don't ever want to have that happen to me. I know that one day it will but if I can prevent it, I damn sure will. You can count on it. Even if it means passing up the "man of my dreams" and everything that I am supposed to experience. I don't care if I end up dying all alone with my only kids being a couple dogs and cats. I know its quite cynical of me to already be saying this stuff but hell I could be accurate in my prediction.
Another thing that has been on my mind is Jon. He is leaving for the Navy on Tuesday and I don't know why but I am really sad. Why am I feeling this? Is this my way of telling myself that I miss him? I know that I don't want to go back down that road because I have been hurt by him but why do I feel sad to see him go? I don't know how to say goodbye to him. I do know that I feel like he is going to go off to basic thinking that I hate him and every other male for his screw up of hurting me. And I don't want him to think that. I admit I used to hate him but I don't hate him. Part of me will always dislike him for doing me wrong the way he did but I don't hate him for it. How am I supposed to tell him this? My time to tell him is quickly running out and I realize this as I think that he leaves less than 48 hours from now. I feel like I am over Jon but what if I'm not. I still don't get all excited when I see a cute guy. I only see a cute guy. Nothing less and nothing more. I think I got a little excited (ok alot) when I saw Matt but what if he was just some rebound thing. I can't be totally sure he wasn't and that scares me. I don't want to date anyone right now (I still have 3 more months before I will consider a boyfriend) so maybe Matt was that rebound relationship. Only I will be able to answer that question and I won't be able to answer it until I am totally sure about where my heart truly lies. And right now, my heart is still wandering.....