Nana
I have been thinking about Nana lately. I don't know why but I find myself having my old nightmare again. It has been so long since I had it and I was actually starting to think that this particular memory had stopped haunting. But I guess I miss judged that one. I miss her so much and it is rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary. I can't help but think about her nowdays, especially to tell her that I finally met someone who makes me feel whole again. Part of me started to call her the other day. I had to catch myself and hang up the phone before the call connected. Lately I have really wished she was here. With things between me and Dad always being on thin ice, I just wish I had her to talk to and help me understand why he is this way. I find memories of her fading and it scares the living shit out of me. My memories of her are all I have left and I can't loose them. They are the only thing that keeps me from breaking down the way I did right after she died. I loved her more than a granddaughter should love a grandmother. She was more than my Nana. She was one of the few people who in my family who fully excepted me for who I am. Most of my family either tries to get me to do things I don't want to or want me to change the way I am so I will have more in common with them. I miss having her to tell me that my being so much different from my family is a blessing, not a curse. I miss everything about her. Everything from her smell to her beautiful smile. I know I was blessed to have her in my life but I want her to still be in it. I want to hear her simple words of encouragement that made such a complex situation seem so much easier. I want to hear her tell me that she is proud of all my accomplishments. I want to hug her neck and kiss her cheek. But most of all I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me. I wish that she could be there for my graduation, or hell to even talk to her on the phone afterwards if she couldn't make it. I know that these things aren't possible since she has already left me to grow older without her, but I can wish for these things right?
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Yes I do still think of her regularly. I have those old familiar dreams and the heartbreaks that used to make me run to her are now harder. When I was in Texas I would go sit at her grave for hours at a time. Never revealing to anyone where I had been or what I had done. I no longer remember what her voice sounded like, except in dreams. I have ever lasting guilt for her. I regret the way I treated her. I loved and still love her more than I love most. She was perfection in my eyes. Elegance and grace all rolled up into one little bitty brave woman. There are days that I think of her so much I just lay in my bed and cry. She was so special that I know she will never leave my heart. I have nothing of her. I have a picture. Thats all. I search my mind for memories but they all go back to those last few times. Those last few visits and that one last unbearably bad one. I remember her hands clinched into a fist and her cry. But she didnt wake in time for me to ask her forgiveness. This is something that I will live with forever. I am so glad you got that great relationship that I managed to willingly cheat myself out of. I love you.
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