Thoughts About The Future

Tonight was the Senior Slideshow and Candlelighting. Oh man that was so memorable but at the same time it was something that I wish hadn't come. Mostly because it means that graduation is just around the corner. In my last post I was saying how I wanted so badly not to graduate but things have happened lately that have totally changed my mind. Matt and I have been thinking alot about our future and have started talking about getting married. I know some people might say that we are too young to know what we want and if we are ready to make that big of a step but we have to start thinking about these things. With me leaving within a few weeks (if my job comes in) for basic, Matt and I really have to decide whats up with us and if we want to try and do this. I love him with all my heart and I couldn't stand to be without him. He's everything to me. I honestly can't see myself in 30 years without him by my side. I know that even if I was to make this giant leap and do something I swore I would never do, I would be very confident in my decision. They say that when you meet that certain someone who you are meant to be with everything inside you just clicks one day and you know. I know he is the one for me. I could have all feeling taken from me and just looking at him I would know that I am supposed to be with him for the rest of my natural life, and then some. And even if Matt and I don't take those sacred vows one day, I will always be with him and love him. I can't help but love him. I want all those things that I swore never to want with him. I want to become a mother one day (if it is what God wants). I want to be referred to as "Matt's wife" or "Mrs. Rivera". I want the little house that has dogs in the backyard and Pettitte running around the house/neighborhood. I want all that. But mostly, I want it with him. Is that crazy of me or am just a love struck teenager who needs to grow up a little more?

Empty

Loving you is an easy thing to do,
But I sometimes wonder where your heart is when you are loving me.

How I long to feel your love,
Yet some nights I fall asleep still waiting for the warm, tingly feeling I once felt with your touch.

My heart can bear no more emptiness,
Even though I continue to tell myself that this is all just a phase and I will soon be full of what I long to feel from you.

How Long

How long must I continue to fight this fight?
When will you give in to me and realize how right we are for each other?

Why do we disregard all feelings for one another,
When we both hear each other's hearts calling out like a siren?

How many more days must I ignore what I feel for you and act like nothing is wrong,
When it pains every fiber in me when I see you two together?

Am I going to wear this mask forever,
Or will you see what is right in front of you and take your mask off too?

How long must I continue to hide in the shadows,
When I know we both want nothing more than to be out in the open with the sunshine upon us?

So will you please answer these questions for me,
Or will I have to wait for your love longer than I already have?

Graduation is rapidly approaching and I am getting so scared and so excited all at the same time. Today I got my cap and gown and I wanted to start crying. I know I gripe about how lame or boring Borger High really is, but deep down I love this little one horse town. I mean if it wasn't for Borger, I might not have met some people who have changed me so much and helped turn me into the young lady I am today (yes Mandie I called myself a lady). I also might not have met the one guy in this world who makes me truly happy and who I feel safe and secure with. I owe so much to this town and will always remember this town for all the friends I have gained, lessons I have learned, and memories I have made. Dang do I really have to graduate? I wanna stay a teenager here forever!!

Last night was the senior awards and I was up for Most Friendliest. Well I didn't win but it's ok. I lost to Kaylee Newton, but it's ok. I was happy to just be nominated. Allie and Matt were nominated too (Allie was up for Most Curteous and Matt was up for Most Dependable) and none of us won so we celebrated afterwards. It was fun, even though I lost. Congrats to all those who won!!

I wonder sometimes why my heart never let go of Matt when we broke up soon after Nana died. Then other times I wonder why I didn't just give up on him and I fully after our break up last February. Today I am glad my heart never let go and I never gave up on him and I. Matt has brung so much into my life these past few years, and even more these last 2 months. He has shown me what true, unconditional love is. He has helped me break down so many walls within my heart, and kept them from going back up. Matt has brought a much needed happiness into my world. He has given me something solid that I can always rely on, and I love him so much for that. I love you Matt. Thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend, and at the same time, my best friend.

Love

Love. What exactly is love? It isn't something you can touch, but you sure as hell can feel it. And love isn't something you can go to Wal-Mart and buy. You are given the love you recieve. There is no price on love, but if there was a price, it would be too expensive for any one person to buy. I know that if you were to read my blog from the time I started it to now, my view has changed dramatically. At one point I was letting go to something that I thought was love and swearing off males forever, and today my entire world revolves around a boy I have never fully gotten out of my system since I was 15 years old. I hope people who stumble along this journal of my senior year in high school think of me as just an average teenage girl who is just trying to survive in this big world and trying to figure it out as she goes along. I hope strangers see me as a girl who wants to make a difference, not someone who wants to mess things up even more. I want to be seen as a do-er, not just a thinker. You are probably wondering where I am going with this and I will now take you there. I realize now that in order to survive in this world, you must have experienced some kind of love outside of your family. In order to have compassion for others, being shown the different type of love depend on it. And love also helps make a difference in this world, no matter your age, race, or skin color. Learning love then gives we, as humans, the desire to want something more, and doing something about it. I mean who the hell has ever heard of someone doing something that they absolutely hated for fun? Love is what makes them do that certain something. Love makes us get up in the morning, and dread going to bed at night. Love makes us want to help our loved ones when they are down, or do random acts of kindness for a person we have never met in our life and will probably never have contact with ever again. Love makes the world go 'round. And as the Beatles once sang, love is all you need.

It's A Girl!!

We have a new addition to my family! And her name is Braedyn Lillianna. Gosh she's so adorable!! Braedyn was born on April 28 and she is a healthy one. Kelly and her are doing just fine and Bruin and Bailey are too excited over their sisters arrival. And Doyle is probably very excited on his new bundle. I love you guys!!

This is my Memother and Brandt. I think he was only a few weeks old in this picture but having Braedyn in the family now made me think of Brandt and how big that boy has gotten!! 

This is Braedyn Lillianna. Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?? 

This is a recent picture of Matt and I. I love it!! 

Before You Walk Out That Door

Before you walk out that door,
Just tell me one thing.
Are you leaving me because you no longer love me anymore,
Or is it all for someone else?

Before you walk out that door,
Can I ask you a question?
How long did it take you to decide that our love wasn't strong enough for you,
That it was weak enough to just walk away?

Before you walk out that door,
Let me leave one solitary thought in your mind.
I never loved someone as much as I loved you,
And I will always love you in spite of everything you have ended.

1. What is your middle name? Maureen
2. What is your nick name? Hopie (everyone), Hopie Taylor (Daddy Chris), Munchkin (Mandie), Froggie (Shelby), and some other ones that Matt calls me but I don't wanna share them...LOL
3. What color are your bed sheets? They are white with Sponge Bob on them. I should really grow up some....
4. How many cell phones have you owned over the years? I have only had one and I hated it! It never stopped ringing!!
5. What is your title at work? I have a full time being Matt's girlfriend. The title is pretty self explainitory...
6. Where is your computer located? In the living room.
7. How many credit cards do you have? Zero. Those things are disasters waiting to happen...
8. What kind of car do you drive? I do not drive. My dad still sees me as a child.
9. What color is it? Look at #8 for the answer...
10. If you could spend 1 day doing ANYTHING you want what would you do and where would you go? Hmm I dunno. The day is full of possibilities so I think I would just follow my heart and go from there. And take some people with me to make it even better!!
11. What is your favorite cologne/perfume? I like Curve Crush, Ralph by Ralph Lauren, and Diesel. Hmm I love Diesel. That is one good smelling man there!!!
12. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I like them both. I definately won't turn one daown if you put it in front of me!!
13. Fave type of music? All music is good music. Nothing is bad in my book!
14. Do you have any pets? Yes. I have one cat and sometimes I think he should have been a dog! He is my own personal welcoming committee!!
15. Do you floss? Am I supposed to? Just kidding. Yes I do actually. Not as often as I should though...
16. Favorite breakfast food? I like foods that can double as a dinner food as well, like pancakes. Oh man I love pancakes....
17. Yankee Candle or Party-lite? What kinda question is that? I don't even know what those are!!
18. Fave fast food restaurant? Jack In The Box!!!!
19. Fave "mall" store? Seeing me at the mall is a riot....
20. Sunrise or Sunset? I like them both. but I see sunset more often because I am actually up!
21. Best childhood memory? Any memory with Carey in it...
22. What is your sweethearts "love" nickname? What? i didn't know Matt was supposed to have one...
23. Favorite pie? Cherry is the best. I can eat a hole pie in one sitting!
24. Favorite salad dressing? Ranch. It goes good on everything!
25. Movie that best describes your life? I haven't got a clue. Ask me that in a few months.
26. Do you have business cards with your name on them? Am I suppposed to??
27. How many siblings do you have? Too many!! Just kidding. I have 2 sisters and 5 brothers.
28. Fave snack foods? I absolutely love hot cheetos. I would die for them!!
29. Have you ever met anyone in "real life" that you first knew from online? Just my step dad Bill.
30. Fave chat program? Not much of a chat room person anymore. Too much drama.
31. What time is it right now? 4:20 p.m!!! Time to go get high!! Just kidding I don't do that shit....
32. What is the last thing you ate & drank? M&M's and water. Nice mixture if you ask me....
33. Did you make someone smile today? My day isn't complete until I do!
34. Did you tell someone you loved them today? Numerous times actually....
35. Do you ever wish upon a star? Yes and I actually got my wish...
36. If you could meet two people that you've never met before who would they be? Good question...I think today I would want to meet George Washington and Anne Frank. but tomorrow it could change...
37. How many pieces of clothing are you wearing right now & what are they? I am wearing running pants, an Air Force t-shirt, a spagetti strap shirt, and my bra and panties.
38. Do you recycle? Yes. I give a hoot about all that fun stuff!
39. Favorite fruit? Oh man I can't pick just one...I love strawberries, peaches, apples, oranges, grapes, bananas, pineapples, and kiwis. I don't refuse any of them if I am offered!

AND last but not least.. this one will take some thought!!!! (Be honest but not TOO honest if you know what i mean LMAO)
40. From the time you first awake in the morning till you're completely showered, dressed & ready to leave for work or play - how many different "products" do you use & what are they? I use a very small amount of things compared to my sisters. I use shampoo, conditioner, face wash, tooth paste, mouth wash, and deoderant.