Just friends...for now...

I am such a mess sometimes. I can't even predict what I am going to do or say anymore. Or feel. I thought I wanted a relationship with my new guy and after him and I talked and I found out that he didn't want a serious relationship and wanted to go with the flow between him and I, I realized that I want the exact same thing. I don't want to be tied down to anyone before I go off to the military. And if something does happen with me and the new guy, then it happens. But if it doesn't, I'm not going to be heartbroken. I want to just play along with this. If it starts to feel wrong or uncomfortable, then I will tell him. And then hopefully he will understand and give me my space. Because I always need my space every now and then.

Ok so alot has been happening with me and my new guy. Well last week he asked me for my number (a week ago actually). And then on Monday he apologized for not calling me but said he was looking for my number all weekend. Well then I saw him everyday in English, except for Tuesday because I was home sick. But other than that we talked everyday. Wednesday he slept all during class and I watched him. Every now and then he woke up and would look at me and smile and go back to sleep. We talked after class for a few minutes and then he went to basketball. Well today was the best so far. I saw him when I was going to my locker to get my research paper. He was talking to this guy Steven and he looked right at me and winked at me and smiled. And then (yet again) we talked all class period. And I feel kinda bad because I was supposed to grade one of his papers and Mrs. Cunningham took it away from me for some reason. So he failed the paper. I feel so bad about that..but I told him this and he said that I would have to make it up to him. I can't just let him copy my papers because hell I let him anyway (and its not because he's oh so cute!). I pointed this out to him and he agreed. So I have to make it up to him somehow. I think I will let him decide what I have to do to make up for his failing paper but it has to within reason. Maybe I might ask him to stay in town Friday night and go see a movie or something with me instead of going to the game. He wants to do something Saturday and I am gonna ask him what he wants to do in class tomarrow. I don't care what we do because I just want to be around him. He smells so good! I think he wears Curve. And I really like the smell of Curve.....

I am so scared. What if everyone at school knows what happened? What if everyone thinks that I had this coming. That I brought this upon myself? I feel like if I do something about it everyone will find out about it and I will be constantly reminded of what happened. And if I don't do something then he will think its ok and do it again. I just don't feel safe around guys anymore. I mean there are some that I feel safe around, but a very small number. I don't want to go to class in the morning because I feel like I will be so paranoid all day around all the guys in my classes. And during passing periods. Gosh I almost forgot about those...I am gonna be so freaked out. I am gonna feel like everyone of them is going to try to touch me and I'm gonna start spasing out. What am I gonna do....

Scared and Confused

I am so confused. I feel so violated. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. I don't know why, but I feel as if all this was my fault. I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but I can't help but feel this way. I don't want to be in the same room as him, much less the same town. I don't want to go to school Monday because I am so scared of seeing him. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay that way. I have never felt to embaressed, humiliated, or violated. I wish I could make it all go away, like a bad dream or something. I wish this had never happened. I wish I had never met him. I wish I felt like I could stand up for myself but I don't know if I can. I feel so weak but everyone keeps telling me that I am one of the strongest people they know. I know what I should do but I am too scared too. I don't want anyone to know about this. Its not something I want to be reminded of. And everyone will know because people in this town like to talk. That's all there is to do. And it's always the juicy gossip that they talk about. And this is pretty juicy so everyone will know about it by the days end. I just wanna disappear....

I Hate...

I hate that I can't do certain things,
like telling people how I really feel.

I hate that some things
will always be unreachable to me.

I hate that I hurt inside,
never understanding why.

I hate being the way I am,
yet I do not know how to change.

I hate that I am not the same person I used to be;
Instead of being good and honest,
I am now rebellious and could care less.

I hate how I can never change some things,
but can change things I could don't have interest in.

I hate that I feel like love will never come to me,
even though I am told it will.

I hate high school and all its crap,
but I like it enough to stay there and not say a thing.

I hate not being noticed;
Just because I'm not pretty doesn't mean I don't exsist.

I hate not being able to drive;
When will he see that I'm not a child anymore?

I hate that I feel like a failure in so many ways,
when deep down I feel like I will amount to more than anyone else.

I hate feeling neglected;
Why do I feel like this and can't explain why?

I hate being a virgin;
Why don't I just get it over with and say I did it?

I hate that I am poor;
For once I wish money was always there,
no questions asked.

I hate that my parents are divorced;
Why would someone say that they are going to spend the rest of their life with someone and then change their mind when times get tough?

I hate being the youngest child;
Why did he have to die?

I hate being compared to my siblings;
I'm not them.

I hate that I have no life;
I am tired of rereading every book I own on the weekends.

I hate that people think I am a genius;
I'm just as dumb and screwed up as everyone else.

I hate that people don't take me seriously;
Just because I am blonde doesn't mean what I say is stupid.

I hate not being able to be the real me;
But what I hate the most is that I don't know if I hate at all.

Venting...

My brother gets on my ever loving nerves!!! He is living here, free of rent and is taking advantage of that like none other. He doesn't clean up after himself (the entire house looks like a pig pen because he has all his shit strewn all over it), practically refuses to help out with bills, groceries (which he eats just about all of), or help keep this house clean. Instead, he fucking sleeps all day, spends his money of stupid ass movies and video games, and bitches about everything. I personally want him out of the house because he isn't doing shit to contribute around here. Hell he's so damn lazy around here he can't even flush the damn toilet after himself!!! Every damn time I go into the bathroom after him, I always flush the toilet because he can't seem to lift his finger that high enough to do so. And recently he has been talking about quitting his job. If he does, he had better either have another job or get the fuck out. I will not live with him if he is gonna continue to free load off of Dad when he has no job! And I have barely anytime now to get a job and I'm about to have to get a job. Just so I can help out around here. We barely have any money for things that we need. And then Dad says I have to get all my senior stuff because I will regret it later. But where's the money gonna come from if Dad is jobless? I sure as hell will not take any money from my family. Especially from my mother. She is so transparent in my life that I feel like sometimes I should just give up and realize that I am no longer the blood child but the step-child. Mandie, I know you are reading this and it may upset you but that's how I feel. I don't buy into the crap about how she never knows when I am home. She can still pick up the phone and call. She calls you. I feel like she has resented me ever since I moved out my freshman year. I have felt like this my entire high school career but never said anything because I was too afraid because I didn't want to cause yet another fight in this family. I hate it when Mom decides to play the mommy-role. It's mostly because she never plays it. It seems like she only plays it when it will benefit her. Not because she wants to. I just don't know anymore. I don't even feel like I have a mom anymore. Its like I have one every now and then. Hell and that's like next to never. I dunno. I guess its hard for me to take money from someone who is hardly there for me. I can't take anything from anyone because I had to hang out with all the guys and build this guy type pride and now I don't even think I would take something from God if it was given to me directly from God himself. I hate being poor...

I'm Ready for a Relationship (I think)...

Today was a good day. But then it wasn't at the same time. The only bad part about it was the fact that I didn't get to talk to my new fling guy. Whatever it he I should say. But I should say that the only reason why we didn't talk was because he had to leave early. There was a perk though. Him and I were doing those "stare and look away" things at each other. I don't know what to make of all this. I think I like him but at the same time I don't know if he likes me so I don't know if I want to like him unless the feelings are going to be reciprocated (big word, 10 points). I want him to like me. I really do. I am so tired of playing around. I miss having a boyfriend. I think I am finally, sincerely ready to have a boyfriend again. Or at least give the race of men another chance at my heart. I told myself I would allow a myself 2 1/2 months of cynasicm and that time is up. I am ready to move on from the memory of my heartache and find out what "love" really is. Or at I'm willing to give it at least a try.

The almost date asking...

Holy crap today something happened that I am still amazed as to the events that I am about to tell you. This guy in my English class (not revealing his name yet!) talked to me the entire class period. Of course there was like 10-15 minutes that we didn't talk because we had work to do but I gave him answers because I could care less if people cheat off me. Plus I'm a nice person. :) But anyways we talked about every thing from baseball to things we have done when we were drunk. Yes, I have been drunk.. but anyways the bell rang and so we walked out of class together and we started walking down the stairs when he asked me what I was doing this weekend. I told him I wasn't doing anything and he started to say something to me but Allie said something to me at the same time and he was all like "well I'll see ya in English tomarrow. Bye Hope". I love you Allie but you suck!! But its ok because there is always tomarrow! If it was Friday, I woulda been some kinda mad. But I'm not worried about it because I'll see him in English tomarrow!!!
Oh yeah what makes this story even wierder is the fact that this guy is really popular and sooo cute!! What does he want with me??

Ok I'm gonna post one more time before I go home. I have to take the TAKS on Tuesday and I think for the rest of the week because I wasn't here last year to take them. And if I want to graduate in May (which I very much do!) then I have to pass them. It will be a piece of cake but I hate taking big tests for some reason. I always do well but I hate them with a passion. I think it sucks that I have to take them but I'm not going to fight this because I want to get my diploma! I have 5 minutes left in this class and I can't wait to go home!! I have to go up to dance at 6:45 tonight because we are performing (I think) up at Moonlight Madness. But I really don't want too. I'm thinking about calling them and saying that I can't go. But then I would feel bad because I told them I would and didn't. I think Daddy wants to go up there so he can go buy Pam something so I might make him go just so he can get out the house. Holy crap I want a cheeseburger.... ok I know that was really random but hell I really want one. Ok I gotta go because the bell's about to ring.

A Little of Everything...

I'm sitting in English bored out of my mind. I'm supposed to be working on my research paper but that damn thing is starting to get really boring. I mean its an interesting topic but I am tired of reading the same stuff over and over again. I just want to get that damn thing written so I don't have to deal with it anymore. Hopefully I will finish it this weekend and I won't have to worry about it anymore. That alone it would make my day.
So I think Allie is mad at me and I think I know why. I think she is mad at me because I said that I might like someone she has liked for a while now. But I got to thinking about it and I don't think I do. I see what this is going to do to my friendship with Allie so it's not worth it. I would rather be miserable and not be able to like someone than not have Allie. She's one of my best friends and I have missed her these last couple of days. I'm just going to give her some space an when she wants to talk to me again she can. But until then, I'm just going to let her be.
My day has been much better than yesterdays and the day befores. I mean at first it kinda sucked because of the silence between me and Allie, but it has slowly gotten better. I think the fact that it's Friday made it that much better. Friday's always mean no school in the morning so I'm always in some kind of good mood. Friday also means that I get to talk to Matt for as long as I want and not have to worry about being so tired in the morning. I got to talk to him for a little bit last night. It was nice because he made me feel a little better about everything that has been going on. I don't know why I have been so blah these past few days but it's better than I was last year. Last year I was blah for so long I can't even remember when it started. I hate having those days because I didn't like the place I was in last year. I don't ever want to be that depressed again. It was too hard to have to go through that kind of pain and struggle once again. So my goal for this year is to not be depressed about anything...or at least nothing that I can help.....

So I was right about not getting cast. Duncan cast this bitch Melanie into the part that I should have gotten. She's so fucking unreliable and he still gives her one of the leads anyway. I am so sick of busting my ass for him and getting shit in return. I am not going to audition for that asshole anymore because I get shafted everytime. And when Melanie quits the play (which she will), I am not going to take the part because I am tired of being sencond best in Duncan's eyes. I am no longer going to be his go-to girl. If he wanted me that badly, he would have cast me in the first place. I hate high school and all its shit..

My Shitty Day

So today totally sucked. I slept late, Allie is pissed at me for some reason, I had to cancel my yearbook order and get another thing from Who's Who about getting that damn book which I can't afford. I have to send in my thing for the National Honor Roll and wait so they can send me more shit telling me I should buy the book with the money that I don't have. I hate not having any money and there is nobody hiring in this piece of shit town. And then I get to go find out in the morning that I didn't get cast in the play because Duncan never casts me anymore. I don't even know why I audition anymore. I'm so freakin sick of constantly being reminded that I have no money and can't get the things that I want. I probably won't be able to get any of my senior shit because we have to prepay for our shirts and all that other shit. And I don't want to think about prom because it's so fucking expensive and because of that factor (and the fact I think prom is one big stupid tradtion), I don't wanna go to prom. But of course I "have to go because if I don't, I'm going to regret it". I could careless if I will regret it or not. I don't want to spend $200+ dollars on a dress that I'm not going to wear but for a few hours. Just the whole prom thing is too fucking expensive for just one night. I think I know a solution to my "no money" problem. I am just going to stop opening all those college letters, Who's Who letters, and National Honor Roll letters. Instead of opening them, I'm just going to chunk them. Fuck them.

I'm Confused...

I have a problem. I think I like someone who I have known since I was a freshman. He is in my grade and I never thought of him as more than a friend until recently. I get this wierd, bottom of my gut feeling that he likes me too but I don't know. I pick on him and he picks on me but I sometimes get the feeling that it's in a more than friendly way. He's a great guy but I could hurt someone if I was to like him and he was to like me in return. Both of us has changed so much since freshman year and I think that time has definately been on his side. It seems like he went from a nerdy freshman to a confident, great looking senior. I'm not saying that his looks has all the sudden made me look at him in this new found light, but it has helped a little. I have always liked him (as a friend) and never though I was attracted to him but what girl isn't attracted to a handsome guy? I don't know what I should do. I've been thinking about giving him my number but I don't want to hurt my friend. What do I do??

Go Allie!!

I'm so excited for Allie!! Bubbles gave her his number and she has been waiting for this for the last 3 years. I am so happy for her because I know how much Allie likes Bubbles. Congrats Allie!! Now all you have to do is use that number!!

Last night I talked online until 5 a.m. And then I talked on the phone for another 45 minutes. We both like each other. Everyday I think I like him more and more. And everyday I find out something new about him. Like his parents are divorced, as are mine. He has an older brother and a nephew. He has 2 tatoos (on his shoulder and upper arm) and was in the Marines. He lives with his best friend (who is a girl) and is his own boss. He makes me blush, and that is really hard to do. He loves the fact that I have a Texas accent and that I'm on the speech team. I don't know what it is about him but I can't stop thinking about him. Gosh I feel like a hypocrite because I tell my friends not to get involved with older guys and here I am talking to a guy who is much older than me. But I don't care how old he is. I feel older when I talk to him. Heck I don't even feel like I have an age when I'm talking to him. I don't know what I feel sometimes but I know its all good feelings.

Thoughts of nothing..and everything..

Lately I find myself thinking about someone I have never met in my life but have talked to for hours online and recently talking to on the phone. I have so much in common with him, yet there are some many things that we are opposite in. Like he is a Longhorn and I am an Aggie. He dislikes the Yankees, and I love them. But there are things we both have in common. He loves baseball (he used to play in college). He has a fear of clowns, loves to read, and so much more that I don't have enough space to write about it all. Yes this guy is a little older than me but I don't feel any kind of age difference when I talk to him. And he doesn't feel it either. Which is a first for me. I swear I have connected with this guy on so many different levels than any other guy I have ever dated. And I'm not dating him. But I would like to one day. That would be so awesome. I think I could be with this guy for a while. Maybe this is the guy for me. I don't know but my view on love is that it sucks but I can just feel that something is there and I want to explore that feeling before I let it slip by....

Daddy's new woman

My daddy has a new girlfriend. I am really excited for him. I haven't seen Daddy this happy in a really long time. I don't know too much about her but that he really likes her and she likes him. I think that it is about time he had a relationship. I'm sitting here on the computer and I hear Daddy on the phone and I smile just thinking about how happy he sounds. Like he is at ease, in a place he hasn't been in a long time. I haven't heard him this happy since the last time he had a conversation with my Nana. I know he misses her, even though we never talk about her. I don't think Dad has had someone to talk to like him and Nana did since she passed away last June. It's a good sign that he is moving on and it is good to hear that happiness back in Daddy's voice. I missed it....alot.

Having the no boyfriend blues...

I miss having a boyfriend. I really do. But I am too scared to put my ass out there and meet someone who I could actually have a relationship with. I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel like I have lost my taste for relationships. I feel so vulnerable everytime I go out. My friend Danielle wanted me to go with her to Pampa and meet her boyfriend. I think she really wanted me to go because her boyfriend had a friend he wanted me to meet. When I was informed of this, I was immediately turned away from this. I didn't really wanna go to Pampa anyway but I don't want to get set up. It has been almost 2 months since Jon and I broke up and I still don't want to get set up or give out my number or anything dating related. Yeah I gave out my number twice but nothing came of either of those. I just excepted the fact that I am not ready for another relationship right now but lately I have missed having a boyfriend. I have missed having someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with. I miss everything that goes with relationships. I feel this tiny bit of emptyness when I see a couple or when I hear about friends and there crushes. I don't have either of those. And I don't have anyone crushing or wanting to date me. Or at least not that I am aware of. Allie thinks I like this guy she likes but I don't. I think he is a great guy and that he likes her. But I don't think she believes me. I think it would be nice to have a guy like me and me like him in return, without him turning all wierd on me. Or vice versa. But until then, I think I will settle for Saturday nights at home watching reruns of Sex and the City.