I am just another little fish in this big ocean we call life and I want to learn as much about anything as I can. I love to explore new things and ideas, for they are what could change you or the world some day. I have learned to love like there is no tomorrow and not to regret it. And always put a smile on your face because you don't know whose day you can make just because of your smile.
What is my deal with guys named Matt? I have liked/dated more guys named Matt than anything! I think I am destined to marry a guy named Matt, if I ever get married that is. I know it's stupid and wierd to say since my brother's name is Matt, but I think it will turn out to be true.
Ok I talked to Jon yesterday. He left basic this morning and he wrote me an email that made me think about everything I had with him. I am now in the process of second guessing whether or not I am really over him. I know I still love him. But I don't know to what extent anymore. I know I don't want to get back together but what if I was to want that later on in life? I am so confused as to what I really feel for him anymore...It is driving me nuts but at the same time I am relieved that he finally told me what he was feeling. At least I'm not wondering anymore. All I know that the one thing I am left wondering on is has he finally let me go. I find it so hard to move on entirely not knowing if he has let me go. I'm so ready to move on but until I feel like he has, I don't know if I really can move on. But I am really ready to finally close that door.
Ok I haven't written in a few days so I'll give all the details about what has been going on with me. I went on Thursday and officially joined the Air Force. I am really excited about that. I have some really cool jobs that I am qualified for and I hope I get one of them soon. I don't leave for basic until June, but I can't hardly wait to go in. I am so excited about everything that is going on with that right now. Hmmm lets see what else...oh I haven't really talked to Matt in a few days but I don't know if anything is going to happen with me and him. I am a little disappointed because I kinda liked him but its ok. I don't want to get into a relationship anyway. Especially now that I am in the Air Force. I think this year I am just going to be solo. And I think I am ok with that. Yeah I miss having a boyfriend and all that goes with it but I am so scared about getting hurt again like I did with Jon. I literally have nightmares about getting hurt like that again. I can't deal with that kind of hurt again. It's just something that I can't do. I put myself WAY out there with Jon and I got hurt. I don't ever want to have that happen to me. I know that one day it will but if I can prevent it, I damn sure will. You can count on it. Even if it means passing up the "man of my dreams" and everything that I am supposed to experience. I don't care if I end up dying all alone with my only kids being a couple dogs and cats. I know its quite cynical of me to already be saying this stuff but hell I could be accurate in my prediction.
Another thing that has been on my mind is Jon. He is leaving for the Navy on Tuesday and I don't know why but I am really sad. Why am I feeling this? Is this my way of telling myself that I miss him? I know that I don't want to go back down that road because I have been hurt by him but why do I feel sad to see him go? I don't know how to say goodbye to him. I do know that I feel like he is going to go off to basic thinking that I hate him and every other male for his screw up of hurting me. And I don't want him to think that. I admit I used to hate him but I don't hate him. Part of me will always dislike him for doing me wrong the way he did but I don't hate him for it. How am I supposed to tell him this? My time to tell him is quickly running out and I realize this as I think that he leaves less than 48 hours from now. I feel like I am over Jon but what if I'm not. I still don't get all excited when I see a cute guy. I only see a cute guy. Nothing less and nothing more. I think I got a little excited (ok alot) when I saw Matt but what if he was just some rebound thing. I can't be totally sure he wasn't and that scares me. I don't want to date anyone right now (I still have 3 more months before I will consider a boyfriend) so maybe Matt was that rebound relationship. Only I will be able to answer that question and I won't be able to answer it until I am totally sure about where my heart truly lies. And right now, my heart is still wandering.....
I got to see Matt last night! I was so excited when I saw him. I had been so bored last night and then he showed up on Main and I wasn't bored anymore. I think he's my boyfriend but I honestly have no clue so I will not say if he is until he says something to me about it. But I kinda want him to be my boyfriend. I just want to get to know him a little bit more before I am his girlfriend. I spent the night with Danielle last night and we went to see him at the dorms this morning after we woke up and Matt, Stoner (his roomate), Danielle, and I all hung out until like 2 p.m. I think that me and Danielle went to bed at around 4 a.m. and then we got up around 10 and went over to see Matt because he called us and wanted us to come over. I had so much fun just hanging out with him. I like the fact that we kiss and hold hands like a couple but niether one of us has said that we are a couple so we can do whatever without worry about anything. Gosh I like kissing him. Its like fireworks when we kiss. It makes me get butterflies in my stomach and my leg always seems to pop when we kiss. I haven't ever had that before so it's all so new to me. Man I am nuts about him....
Homecoming is this Friday and I am contimplating on not going. Yes, I know I should go because it's my senior year and all but I don't know if I really want to go. I got asked but told the guy I couldn't go because of the Air Force. He understood and all but I feel really bad about it. I thought I wanted to go before he asked me and now I know if I was to go, I don't want to go with him. If I was to go with anyone, I honestly don't know who I would go with. There's going to be a dance after the game and I think I might go to that but I want to have a date to it. That way I have someone to dance with no matter what. But I don't know many guys who can really dance. Or I know them but have never seen them dance. I don't want to ask anyone because I honestly don't feel like getting rejected by some guy and then have everyone laughing about it. But anyways I am going to post this now but I am still up in the air about going....
I'm so bored. My bird won't shut up because she feels the need to constantly flap her beak. Hedgwig is starting to get on my nerves. She's giving me a headache. I wanna throw her outside and let her be free. But I can't because she's not a wild bird and wouldn't be able to survive. But anyways I gotta do some freakin homework and study. See ya later. Peace out. Word to your mother..(thank that line to my IPC teacher my sophmore year Coach Reynolds!)
I realized something today. I am over Jon. I realized this yesterday when I was with Matt. I don't know why he was so drawn to me and started talking to me last night but I am so glad he did. Being around him last night was so awesome. It was so cute the way he initated the conversation. He was very casual and asked me if I wanted something to drink because he was going to get him something from the gas station. I told him I didn't and he said he wasn't thirsty either. We talked about school and how I want to be a lawyer and how I really like history and baseball. Then I found out he plays baseball and it was hook, line, sinker for me. And I didn't feel guilty for flirting back with him. That's when I realized that I was over Jon. I mean more than I have been I should say. I still have feelings for Jon and I know I always will because he was the first guy I ever loved. But I don't have that tiny bit of me that misses him anymore. I am really happy to say that I am over Jon and I have no regrets about it. I don't regret kissing another guy and I don't regret giving him my phone number. It might sound dumb of me to say I am over him because I don't feel guilty for my flirtacious actions. But until yesterday, I felt this really guilty pang inside because I was talking/flirting with other guys. I didn't feel one ounce of guiltiness. So I think that even if nothing becomes of me and my baseball hunk, I will forever be grateful to him for helping me get over my ex boyfriend.
This was probably the best weekend I have had in a long time. I spent the night with my friend Amber and yesterday we went up on Main Street for a little bit. That's where I met Matt. He is 19 and goes to "Harvard on the Hill" (Frank Philips) where he plays baseball. Matt wants to go pro and I think that is really cool. I have a weakness for baseball players...
Gosh he is really cute! And tall to boot. And when I say tall, I mean I come up to his elbow or nipple and I'm 5'6! So anyways, Danielle has him in some classes out at the college so that's how I met him. And boy am I glad we did. I won't lie and say that we didn't kiss..because we did. Have to ever had one of those "leg popper" kisses? I never had one of those before Matt kissed me. And I'm not saying that because I had to stand on my toes to reach or anything. It was just awesome. I really like this guy. And I feel like for the first time in a long time that it's going to be ok. I am moving on and hopefully with Matt.
Ok so I told Bitter that I don't want to be his girlfriend today. I told him that I just wanted to be his friend because I didn't want a relationship right now, that I wasn't ready. So that kinda calmed him down...for like 2 hours. At play practice he was touching me and stuff. I told Matt about how Bitter is creeping me out and Matt was helping me figure out how to tell him to "fuck off" in a nice way. Now Matt is my body guard and so is Allie and my friend Ryan. Allie and Matt are my body guards during school and then Ryan takes Allie's place at play practice. Oh yeah Ryan touched my butt tonight. But it wasn't on purpose. But its ok because I grabbed his butt back. But back to Bitter..Matt said that if he doesn't leave me alone and continues to make me uncomfortable, then he will tell him that he is really freaking me out. I sure hope Bitter gets the point from me because I don't know what Matt would say to him...
Bitter is starting to creep me out. He freaking called me his girlfriend when I have said that I don't want a relationship right now!! I think that he just isn't listening to me when I say that I don't want a boyfriend. I don't think he understands that Jon hurt me big time and I haven't healed from that. I know that hopefully soon I will be ready to move on but until then, I want to play the field. But I am getting to the point where I want to run and hide when I see Bitter at school and wanna run towards Al and talk to him. I think that I am just going to tell Bitter that I can't go to homecoming with him because he wants something more than what I want. Boys are so retarded sometimes...
So I might have a date with Al on Saturday. I'm really excited about it. I have always liked Al (like I stated before) and this is really cool to me. We are going to see Resident Evil 2. I have been waiting to see that movie since the 1st one came out on dvd. And I am definately going to see it with Al, but I don't know if it will be a date or not until I find out something. But when I do find out, I will inform you about it all. But until then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
I had a very wierd dream last night. I dreamt about this guy in my HST class. It was wierd! I got invited to a party but didn't know who invited me because the invite was in my locker. Well I showed up at the party and it was full of nothing but popular people. I have some friends who are quite popular so I wasn't too shocked that I was invited but was at the same time. Anyways I start walking around the party and Currie walks up to me and tells me that Chris is looking for me. Oh yeah just a bit of info..there's a bunch of guys in my class with the name "Chris." I ask her where he is and she tells me to go outside in the back. So I walk out back and the Chris I see freaks me out. Its Chris DeRosa!! (Now for those of you who don't know about Chris, lets just say he is one of the most popular guys in school and not to mention a total babe!) I guess looked totally shocked to see him but before I can say anything, Chris walks up to me and grabs my hands. He proceeds to tell me that he has liked me since the 1st day of school when he found out that I wanted to be a lawyer (because he wants to be one as well) and when he really started to get to know me in class. Oh yeah did I mention that I am in a dress and he is wearing a dress shirt, slacks, and a tie? Yeah so this was all planned out I guess. Well Chris asks me out and I guess I liked him alot too and I said yes. Now what gets wierd is Chris tells me that he was at first was going to set me up with Austin Bales. Chris starts telling me how Austin had a crush on me but didn't know how to approach me because he thought he wasn't in my league. Well he tells Chris this and he offers to get to help Austin out with me my finding out what I like in a guy and all that good stuff. Well while he was doing this for Austin, he was falling for me as well. So Chris tells Austin that I like him as a friend and don't want any kind of relationship except friendship. Which is pretty much true too. Well anyways Chris decides that he wants to finally come clean with me and puts an invite to his party into my locker one day after he saw where it was. So after he comes clean about it all, he asks me not to hate him and to stay with him. Well I couldn't stay mad at him because I was really glad that he was honest with me from the beginning. After that, we went inside and saw Austin and he just comes up to Chris and I and tells us that he is glad we are happy. Later on I was talking to someone at the party and Chris comes up behind me and puts his arms around me and asks me if I am ready to go. I tell him yeah that I have to be home in a little bit and we go outside. We get outside and he turns me around and kisses me. It was just one of those really innocent, sweet kisses that meant alot but didn't appear for it to be. The only way you knew it meant something was if you were involved in it.
What a wierd ass dream! I thought it was bizarre. Why the hell I was dreaming about Chris is beyond me. But I won't lie and say that he is really hot and at the same time a great guy to be around.
Boys suck. I hate them right now. Why do they always have to mess with my emotions? I don't do that to them (or at least not intentionally). Why must they repeatedly break my heart? I bet you are wondering why I am all the sudden angry about men. And its because Jon is messing with my head again. He told me the other day that he still loves me and wants us to get back together. I don't know what I want anymore and him doing this just confuses me even more. I just want to be over him but every time he does this, everything I felt for him comes back to me. A part of me misses him but the other part of me doesn't. I just don't know what to do anymore...
Ok this entry is going to be very short but I am going to tell everyone reading this that I am going into the Air Force. I leave for basic training on June 14 and I am excited. I go next week and retake my ASVAB to see if I can score higher than I did last October(because I did really well, not bad compared to what you might think) and to get my physical. I couldn't be more excited about this and do not regret it one bit!
I have always wanted to do 3 things in life. They are be happy, go to college, and go into the military. I thought that I could get all that with the Marine Corps. Until today at around 2 p.m. I finally realized where I am supposed to go to get all my 3 wants in one place. And that's with the Air Force. I used to say that the AF was for lazy people but I know see why people join them. They don't try to make your life a living hell. They try to make it a little easier. Hell alot easier. I feel like this is the best thing for me. It sounds right to me. It feels right. I mean I have wanted the Marines since I was really little. But they aren't going to give me what I want. The Air Force will give me what I want and more. Hell I don't want to have to worry about paying my tutition for college and stuff. I won't have too. I am getting so many free things its hard for me to say no. Its like someone has just handed me a free ride to college, free full heath and dental insurance, free room and board. Everything is going to be paid for. How can I say no? How can I turn this down? I would be stupid too. I have enough brains to realize a good deal when I see one. So now I can officially say that I know what I will be doing this time next year. And that will be serving in the USAF and be training to do things that I want to be doing. Pretty cool if you ask me.