Happy Thanksgiving!

So maybe today wasn't a total bust. It was actually quite nice. Dad and I cooked. And we all ate it. I tell you I think I gained about 20 lbs today. But I think that I will start working out more often so that I don't get too big (after eating everything and all). But besides that, today has been pretty good.
Lets see I guess I should tell about everything I have done lately. Tuesday night I went to the basketball game with Christy and saw Anthony play. He's pretty good. The guys lost to Pampa by two points. Isn't that crazy? But it was a really good game all together. I had alot of fun at the game. It was my first high school basketball game to go to (no joke either) and it was totally worth going back. Me and Christy are gonna start going to all the games. Well that is if they aren't too far away and stuff. After the game, we went to Wal-Mart and bought brown hair dye for my hair. I stayed the night over at Christy's and she dyed my hair for me. It looks so good. I really like it. But besides all that, nothing exciting has really happened. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving is gonna suck....

I have to get up in the morning and go to school. Has the school district never heard of the holiday called Thanksgiving?? They suck ass...but its not as if I am going anywhere for Thanksgiving anyways. So I guess I can't complain too much. I was wanting to go see Mandie, but Dad shot that one down. And I think I am going to be alone on Thursday because Matt has to work and I think Dad said he did too. So my day will consist of watching movies or football, playing on the computer, or listening to CDs all day. What a day!! I don't want to do the turkey business because if we do, Dad is going to fry it and I don't like fried turkey. I just want to act as if there isn't a holiday on Thursday because it's already going to suck. And then of course comes the beloved Christmas holidays and I don't even want to put up the tree this year. I hate Christmas. Its so blah. At least for me it is. I hate the shopping, the wrapping, and the wait to see if you didn't buy people something that they will return in 3 days. And then I hate getting the gifts because I always seem to get something that I will never wear or use, like makeup or a dress. I just wanna go to the Moon for the holidays, because their is no such thing as Thanksgiving and Christmas there! Sorry if I am bumming y'all out but I am starting to really hate holidays........

The last few days

So much has happened lately. Tuesday I gave blood for the first time. I tell you, I thought I had experienced pain but I guess I never had until the nurse had to move the needle while in my arm to get the bood moving into the bag. Holy crap that shit hurt! I swear I can tell you how long my vein is. Because pain was shooting up and down that vein all afternoon after I gave blood. But the nurses were really nice about it and told me everything they were doing before they did it so its not as if they suprized me by doing that. I may have a huge ass bruise on my inner left arm, but it really doesn't matter to me. I got to give blood, which was something I have always wanted to do. Despite my fear of needles I should say.
I didn't go to school today because I didn't feel good. But I also wasn't feeling good yesterday either. I literally slept all afternoon and night. I think I woke up for about 10 minutes and that was long enough to take some medicine and make me some ice water. I think Daddy is pissed off at me because I didn't go to school but he can bite me. I wasn't about to go to school and possibly get sicker. But I'm feeling better now. I love nyquil...always makes me feel better... But in a way, it didn't make me feel better. I got another letter from Jon today. I didn't write about his first letter because I wanted to forget about it. But I can't because of his second letter. At first I wasn't going to read it but I thought that I should. So I did. BIG MISTAKE!! At first, the letter was telling me about boot camp, how he's been, blah blah blah. Then he started telling me how he missed certain things about me and listed them. Grrr....but it get even better. He was saying that he knows we could never work out because of the distance but he still thinks about me and wanted to know if I ever thought of him because if I do, then he needs to know that way he can get over me. I don't know how that is relavent to his getting over me but whatever. Then right before he ended the letter, he says, (I will quote this shit) "Hope, I miss you. And if you haven't figured it out, I still love you. Jon" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!!! I am so tired of dancing around trying not to be in a world of hurt because of him. Everytime I think I am taking steps to be over him, he does this shit and I take twice the amount of steps backward that I took forward! I want him to leave me alone so I can move on with my life, but obviously I am not going to get what I want. As usual of course. Mark thinks I should tell him to leave me alone if that's what I really want, but I can't do that. I know exactly what Jon would do. He would continually pursue me until I either gave him a good reason to leave me alone or he got me back. And I swear on my Nana, I will not go back to him. I deserve so much better but I can't seem to move on because I have been so damaged by him. Everytime I start to talk to a guy, I secretly hope that he just wants to be friends because I am so scared to get into another relationship. I don't feel like many guys out there really deserve me. One day I'll find that guy but I really don't know if I want too. I think I have given up on love. Maybe I have met the guy for me, maybe I haven't. But I personally could careless.

Death

Danielle's grandma died this morning. I feel so awful for her and her family because not only do I know them all very well and might be considered one of the family, but I have gone through the exact same thing within the last year. As soon as Danielle called me and told me, I knew I had to get over there. Grandma (as she had me call her) had cancer and it got the better of her. I feel so bad for Danielle because she was so close with her grandma. I know where she is coming from. When Nana died, I literally felt like one of my oldest and best friends had left me. And that a piece of me disappeared. Danielle's mom looked so relieved to see me when I got there this afternoon. She asked me to take care of Danielle and she told me that she thought that Grandma would want me to go to the funeral, to be there for Danielle. Then after I talked to her, I went and made sure Grandpa was ok. He was holding in there. I think he is still in a state of shock. I know how much he loved her so I know he is hurting. Then after I talked to Grandpa, I went and talked to Danielle in her room for a little bit. She was trying so hard not to cry but finally she gave in and cried for a few minutes. All I did was let her cry on my shoulder and let her get out as much as she would allow herself. Then we went and socialized with her brother. We did that for a little bit and finally it was getting late so I told her I should probably get going because I had homework to do. But I promised her I would come by tomarrow and see her. So I might go by after I get out of school and just have Matt take me over to her house. I feel like I have to be there for Danielle. It's my job as her friend to be there for her. I love you Danielle. I'm always here for you...

I am so critical on myself sometimes. Why? I have no clue. But yet I can't seem to be positive toward myself. If somebody tells me I am attractive, I just laugh and tell them that they are either wrong or crazy. Or I tell them I don't see what they see. Because I don't. Or why is it when I have a great guy right in front of me I don't know what I want? And he knows what he wants but it doesn't involve a relationship. At least not that he is telling. But back to the critical me. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like the one thing that I do to myself that I can't stop. I wish I wasn't this way but I am. I wish I could believe people when they say that I am pretty, or beautiful, or whatever it is that they say I am. I hate that I am so hard on myself. I hate that so much but I don't know how not to be. I wish I could be easy on myself sometimes. I just don't know how to do that. You know how they say your toughest critic is yourself? Well that definately applies with me. I wish I could find someone or something to help me lighten up a little. Or at least help me see what everyone else sees in me.

My Day

So today I did a nice thing. In english, we did our weekly vocabulary. And I normally finish mine and give it to Anthony (ok I'll finally reveal his name). Well he slept all class so I didn't give him my paper. But I wrote all the answers on a piece of paper and gave it to him after class. Now he owes me. And I told him too. You know what he did? He just winked. I don't know what the wink meant but it is obviously something good.
Oh I have to tell about my stupid brother and what he did. Last night he got drunk off his ass. Well let's just say he came home and wasn't feel to hot. He puked all over the place and then when he finally woke up, he was hung over BIG time. I have been picking on him all afternoon and night. I think its kinda sad that I can hold my alcohol better than him. I think he said he was drinking alot of different stuff but hell I've done the same thing! And I have never been hung over. So I guess I am the better drinker between him and I. But I don't drink often so he might be better....

Today was a good day. I talked to my new guy today and he came sat by me today in English because we started watching a movie in there. He tried to throw candy at me but it didn't work because I threw it back. Then he tried to take a nap and instead he kept "waking up" and looking at me until I looked back at him. Then he would either wink at me or smile real big at me. I swear that boy either is just playing with me or wants to be more than friends. But I don't care. I would like ot be more than friends with him but I don't know if I really want to try some kind of relationship before I leave for basic. It could get serious and I don't want anything serious. So for now I'm just gonna go with the flow of everything that happens with him.