Thoughts of 2004

Well another year is about to end, and a new year is about to begin. As I look back at the last year, I think about everything I have experienced. Both the good and the bad. Some of the good things I experienced were having my first serious relationship, learning to trust people more, picking a future for me after high school, and being able to rely on others in a time of severe need. The bad things of 2004 are I got my heart broken for the first time, I took a second thought about the type of person I am and am becoming, lost all trust in relationships and love, and was unable to express my true feelings for someone to them. All in all, my year was like none other year. Sure it had its ups and downs, but I grew to be the strongest I have ever been. As this year is rapidly ending, I find myself wondering what I have gotten out of 2004. And I really can't answer that question. Which makes me wonder because I have always been able to say what I have gotten out of each year. At this time last year, I could have told you that I learned what it truly felt like to lose someone so close to my heart. This year I haven't got a clue. Maybe I have gotten the true pressures of what I will be experiencing in less than 6 months. What I am getting myself into. Sure I can stop it but I don't think I will be happy with myself if I did. Part of me wants this year to end but another small part of me doesn't want 2004 to be a thing of the past. Because after this year is up, I will no longer be an innocent child. I will be a grown woman who has to pave her own way in this world without the help of others. I will finally get the independence I have so longed to have. But I will also experience some of the most drastic changes I have ever had to endure. Part of me is scared. But the stronger part of me is so excited for this new part of my life. I don't know what 2005 will bring me after May 27, but I sure hope that it is good. I need a change in pace that is actually positive. Maybe 2005 will bring me what I long for. And that is happiness with not only my experiences, but myself.

Pepper Lewis

I'm at Mandie's right now. We got here around 5 this morning. It was a really long drive. But I don't know if it was worth it. Pepper, Mandie's dog, died sometime yesterday. The cold was too much for his little body. I know it is wrong of me to say this next statment but I am going to. I feel like it's my fault. If Mandie and Kristy had not of come up to Borger to get me, he might still be here. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help it. We haven't told Mandie yet, but by the time she does read this, she will know. And I want to tell you Mandie that I am so sorry about Pepper. He was such a good dog and I'm so sorry he had to go that way. I love you and hope that you will be able to cope with Pepper's death. I'm always here for you when you need me. We all loved little Pepper very much and he will be missed. And to Pepper Lewis, I love you too. You were my favorite nephew and I'll miss you.

My Lifelong Friend

If I could have only one friend for the rest of my life, I would have to pick the one friend I have had my entire life, Carey. We have been best friends since she was born, because I am four months older than her. Our older siblings met in kindergarten and we have been inseparable since. The reason why I would keep only Carey is not only because she is my oldest and closet friend, but because she knows everything about me and loves me despite everything I have done and been through. I have also experienced so much with Carey. Everytime I think about a childhood memory, Carey is always in those memories. There are things that I shared with Carey I wouldn't trade to have shared them with someone else. How many people can say that they were potty trained with their best friend? Or took bathes with their best friend so that their dad could save a little time? I did all those things with Carey. I remember every summer I would go Carey's house and spend weeks at a time there. Those were the best summers of my life. There was nothing like playing outside with Carey and her dog Trapper. And when we weren't outside playing with Trapper or playing games, climbing trees, or swinging, we were inside playing with toys, watching Disney movies, or taking naps. Nowdays, I don't get to go see Carey every summer, but I still make it a point to see her. Our visits are pretty much the same as they were when we were little. Only instead of playing outside, we are outside trying to get a tan. And when we are inside, we still watch movies, but now we talk about every little thing known to man. But we mostly do that when we are getting ready to go to bed. Or when it's really late. Another reason why I would choose Carey is because I have gone through some of the worst times in my life with her. One thing that comes to mind is when my grandmother passed away two years ago. I honestly do not know what I would have done without her there when we buried Nana. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend that Nana wasn't gone, but Carey wouldn't stand for it. She did everything in her power to keep me from falling apart. Carey held my hand as we walked to the cemetary and was next to me throughout the entire burial. Carey didn't say much but I knew everything she was feeling and to be honest, she didn't have to say anything. I knew that just her being there for me said everything. Carey and I joke that we are each other's twin, just born to separate families. I think sometimes that our joke really isn't a joke, but it's real. Carey was my first friend, and I want her to be my last friend. This is why if I had to choose only one friend for the rest of my life, then I would choose Carey.

Ok I had to write that for a scholarship I am trying to win and I really like what I wrote and wanted to be able to keep it forever so I am putting it in here.

I am a failure. Or at least to my father I am going to fail. I have never been so fucking hurt in my life by one individual person. I don't know what I did to deserve those words from him but they hurt so much. I have never failed at anything I have attempted. Well only relationships but they don't count because everyone fails at them. Why would he tell me that I am going to fail school? Doesn't he know I have colleges nation wide calling me and wanting me to go to their university? Why? Because I am a good student and work hard. Or at least I thought I did. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I will fail if even my dad thinks I will. And Mandie keeps telling me she is proud of me and what not, but the one person I want to be proud of me doesn't even think I will make it past high school. All I have ever done is work my ass off in school so I can make something of myself. And hell, if it wasn't because of me, some of my friends wouldn't even be passing some of their classes!! That is all I have done these last few years. Bust ass and help my friends pass too. But I guess that shit isn't good enough for him. I guess nothing I will ever do will be good enough for him. And that hurts me more than you can imagine....

Yesterday I think I forgot how to walk for a split second because I fell and twisted my ankle and skinned up my knee really good. And it hurts really bad! But what I think is really funny is that Mandie was making fun of me yesterday because of it and later on she did the exact same thing! And what is even wierder is that she hurt the same knee (the right one) and twisted the same ankle (the left one) that I did. So I guess Mandie was being punished for making fun of me. But I know what she's going through and feeling because hell I did the same thing!!
But anyway nothing interesting has happened to me lately. Except I think that Austin thinks that more is going on with me and Anthony than there actually is. The only reason why I think this is because Sunday I called Anthony when he was coming home from Lubbock with Austin and ever since then, Austin has been acting wierd. Like he knows something I don't. But anyways today in government, Austin asked me if I was going to miss Anthony tomarrow because he isn't going to be in English because of a basketball tournament in Vernon. And he got a wierd look on his face after he said it so Austin knows something! I think I will interrogate him tomarrow because I hate not knowing things that involve me. Well I should go because I have to type up my vocabulary words for English. See ya!

My Week

This week has kinda sucked. I have been sicker than a dog! Today I actually got to get off my sick ass and go to school. I hadn't been to school since Monday and so it was really fun. I got to see everyone and confirm that I was infact alive. Although I really didn't feel 100%. But just being out of the house and my pajamas made me feel so much better. I was a little sleepy when I got to English, so I took a nap. But I didn't listen to the story we were reading and so Hoss gave me his paper because I have let him copy mine a few times before. So that was really cool of him. But anyways it is really late so I better go. I'll continue later!