Surreal Experience

I know that this isn't real,
But the hurt I feel is.

Seeing you in that car made my heart cry out for you,
But my head knew you would be able to answer its call.

Reality hit me when I saw your beautiful eyes sealed shut forever,
Even though I know I will see them once more.

Some people may never understand why my emotions took control of me for that hour,
But I know deep down you know why.

I sit here and wonder why people do such things like drink and drive,
But I cannot get any answers that will soothe my aching heart.

I know the Shattered Dreams program was created to change lives,
And I can say that I was changed in a dramatic way.

I know the wreck was fake and you really weren't killed by a drunk driver and found dead at the scene,
But the emotions and pain I felt thinking that you were dead were very real to me.

Love has no boundaries and allows me to constantly be with you,
But death makes all those boundaries appear and takes you from me.

I love you so much and this experience made me very certain of this,
So please don't do something like this.
I couldn't bear loosing you to something as tragic a drunk driving accident.

***My school performed the "Shattered Dreams" program today, and it was to raise the awareness of just how often teenagers are killed in an accident due to drunk driving. My boyfriend was involved in this and volunteered to be the victim who was found DOA (dead on arrival). This event was especially difficult for me because I could do nothing to save him, even though Matt was alive in reality. I haven't spoken to him since this morning and him not being around has honestly made me think about how much I truly would be missing him. It hurts so much because he means more to me than my own life means to me. As I told him in a letter I wrote him, all I wanted to do today was protect him. But I couldn't and I felt so helpless. I know I shouldn't have been as upset as I was but it was so hard for me NOT to cry. I do not regret this whole experience though. I was changed today. And everyone involved in the Shattered Dream program is to be thanked for that. Matt if you are reading this, I love you so much. I am so proud of you and want to say thank you for doing this. It took alot of bravery and dedication to perform it as well as you did and I will never be able to express to you how proud I truly am of you. I love you....even more than you love me.

Dang today was an awesome day. The senior class voted me to be one of the friendliest senior girls! I am so excited to have even got put on the ballot. I mean there are so many friendly people in our grade and I was chosen as one of the three who will be voted on. I honestly don't know if we will vote again. But I am told by some of my friends that they think I just might win it. Of course this was coming from Austin but still. I am so honored. I always thought I was friendly and all, but this just helps me know for certain that I am. I know when we had to vote for all this I was telling people to vote for me but I didn't think that enough people would honestly vote for me! And plus the only people I told to vote for me was the people in my Astronomy class and I wasn't even that serious. But I think it's a pretty cool thing. I haven't ever gotten anything like this before and I am so honored that I was picked to be in the final 3.

I haven't written in here for a little bit just because I have been everywhere but home. Not much has really happened since I last wrote anyways. The only big thing that happened was that Allie isn't going to prom with Jared anymore, but instead she is going with Dillon. Yeah! I am so excited because Matt and I really set this one up and it is working out really well. I think that Dillon likes Allie and Matt does too. And I think that Allie likes him too. But she doesn't want to get burned, which is totally understandable. I think Dillon would be good for her though. He is such a great guy. And he knows better than to mess with people who are close to Matt and I. Or at least he knows better than to mess with people we love and hurt them. But Dillon isn't that kinda guy so I hope everything works for the best with them two.
Hmm on to better news. Mom is making my prom dress because Dad refused to buy the one I wanted for me. All because I don't want prom to be a huge deal. Call me stupid, but I will have graduation like less than a week later and I really don't want to have everyones excitement blown over prom. I mean I might not remember my prom 30 years from now, but I will remember my high school graduation. So why get excited about something that I might not remember?Dad didn't really see things the way I did but hell I can ask people to get excited about prom or not to get excited about prom if I want. It is my prom after all.
But anyways that really has been the excitment of the week for me. I didn't have school today so Matt and I got to stay out until 1 a.m. this morning. It was quite eventful. I should say the night in general was eventful. We were at his house with his parents, Allie, and Carlos until 10:30 or so. We all sat outside and talked and ate. It was really fun. Well I should go because I gotta finish calling my DEP group and call Matt. See ya!

1. FIRST NAME? Hope
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I know my first name wasn't but my middle name (Maureen) was after my great grandmother.
3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Sometimes I do, other times I don't.
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? The middle finger. I love to flip people pff when I get pissed at them!
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I refuse to answer that one. But I can say that it was recently....
6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I dunno. Some days I love it and others I hate it.
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey!!
8. ANY BAD HABITS? Way too many to list. Or at least I think I have alot of them but others might question that one....
9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Dude I have no shame in the music I listen to. But Mandie or Lisa would say that it would have to be my New Kids On The Block cd I burned. But I absolutely love it!!
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah I'm fun to be around. At least that is what people tell me.
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Duhh!! I live to do things people wouldn't expect me to do, especially stuff others wouldn't.
12. YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NOT TELL? I don't break my promises. Even if it is a life or death situation. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason for bad stuff to happen if I opened my mouth. Sounds dumb but that's just how I am. I tell nothing, so my friends always tell me the good stuff!
13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Looks are a perk. Personality is all I look for in a guy.
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I run my little heart out or I write to vent my anger.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? If I ain't at home, I am always with Matt. He is my second home...
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yeah right. Winning my trust is like escaping Alcatraz. Very very hard but if you keep swimming it just might happen....
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My Pound Puppy Spot that Carey gave me. He sleeps with me every night.
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Math!! I absolutely hate math! I think I wanna go back in time and kill whomever invented the subject!
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yeah I have quiet a few.
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only every other split second. Heck I am even sarcastic in my sleep!!
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Not yet. Key word yet...
22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? It's all about the personality for me. And he's gotta make me laugh, be comfortable, and I have to be able to trust him. So most of my guy friends eventually become a boyfriend or someone I like.
23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Dude if I listed all of them, we would be here all night long!!
24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck yeah I would. I did the bungee thing at Six Flags and I loved it. I would so do it again, only this time I would know what to expect.
25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on how lazy I am at the moment. But most of the time I don't. I don't feel like fooling with them.
26. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? What kind of strong are we talking about? Because emotionally I am stronger than some of the senior citizens in Borger. But physically, I have strength in my legs, but not so much in my arms. I really gotta work on that....
27. SHOE SIZE? I got big ole feet. I wear an 8 1/2 or 9.
28. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? I have all the ones that God gave me.
29. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Carey Renae. I miss the other half of my brain wave...
30. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE? In Matt's arms. Yeah I know that is corny but I feel so safe when I am with him...
31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Cross Canadian Ragweed. They kick ass baby!!
32. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? I ate a McChicken from Mickey D's. It was yummy!!
33. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Matt. I always call him and tell him nite and that I love him....
34. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Eyes. I love looking into them because they tell you everything.
35 WHO MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST? Matt. I even smile around him when I am pissed at him. I can't help but smile around him....
36. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Fantastic. You?
37. EYE COLOR? Shit brown. Or at least that is what Dad tells me....
38. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? In a few weeks yes. But now, nope.
39. SIBLINGS? I got 2 sisters and 5 brothers (one is deceased and 3 are step brothers).
40. FAVORITE MONTH? June. It makes the summer really begin for me.
41. FAVORITE FOOD? I love Italian food. Can't get enough of it!
42 LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sahara with (you guessed it!) Matt. I liked it, especially when they pulled a Panama.
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? May 27. I graduate then!
44. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Me, shy? You have got to be kidding me!!
45. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I love them both. I am just a weird one....
46. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I like the relationship I am in right now. So take that one how you want it.
47. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Hmm let's see. I am reading The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks, Bleachers by John Grisham, The King Of Tort by John Grisham, and The Brethren by John Grisham. I am sure that there are maybe 2 more in there somewhere but I can't remember...
48. WHAT'S A GOOD WORD/PHRASE TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF? Ask my friends and family on that one. But I guarentee that you will get a mixture of answers!!
49. WHAT'S THE BEST LESSON YOU'VE LEARNED LATELY? Let your heart lead you. It will take you to good places.
50. DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO FILL THIS OUT AND SEND IT BACK? Only if they copy/paste it onto my comment board!!

Am I totally invisble to you,
Or do you just get a thrill out of ignoring me?

Do you ever understand the pain I feel when you make fun of me with your friends,
But when we are alone you say that you love me?

Will you ever see the desire in my eyes for you to stop hiding me from everyone,
And show them how you truly do love me?

How long must I sit in the shadows,
Waiting for you to make up your mind as to where we actually stand?

When will you stop hurting me,
And admit to yourself that we really should be together?

Jackass #1 Is Back...

Guess who emailed me the other day and had the decency to write back? Jon. Well he asked me to call him and I barely opened the email up 5 minutes ago and thought why not. I mean I am trying my hardest to be his friend. So I call him up and he gets a pissy with me for calling. Hello?? What is wrong with this picture? He told me to call!! Jon is supposedly with "the girl he loves" and I was interrupting there fuck fest. I don't know if that was what they were doing but damn. He needs to realize that until last week, I was perfectly fine without his ass, Matt wasn't having dreams that I am going back to the proud member of the Butthole Patrol, and I was actually getting some sleep at night! Jon must think that he can just come in and out of my life with no restrictions, but all he is doing is fucking things up again!! I am just waiting for him to call back so I can let him have a piece of my mind. I am so tempted to give him Matt's cell number and let Matt deal with Jackass #1, but I can't let someone else fight my battles. Jon has some nerve trying to come back into my life. But I swear this time, my heart won't be broken. In fact, I am going to seal the cracks in it a.s.ap.

I Love You

I love you,
And only you know why.
I have hide no secrets from you,
Because talking to you makes everything seem so much better.

I love you,
I cannot deny it.
My heart flutters when I am with you,
My esteem soars.
I always feel as if I can do anything as long as I am close to you.

I love you,
Only you and I know it's true.
Everyone in this world could try to come between us,
And I would still run to you.

I love you,
And always will.
My age may increase,
But my love for you will never age.

My life has been consumed by hurt and pain,
Then you came into my life and things began to pick up.

I began doing things that I never would have.
I started believing in love,
Believing that there could actually be a certain someone out there just waiting for me.

Since we have known each other,
There has been quite a few smooth times,
And a fair share of rocky moments.
Yet despite all the bad,
My heart still calls your name.

I don't think I will ever comprehend my feelings for you,
But one thing is for certain.
My love for you may either grow or diminish,
But I will always remember the love we have shared.
And I will always have the luxury to say that I was loved by you.

The Fight

How many times must I tell you we are through?
I loved you so long and yet I stand in the doorway fighting you,
Telling you to go away.
Not long before this moment,
I sat in the bathroom telling myself how much I was better off without you,
Not knowing I would have to repeat this ritual yet again today.
Too long have I allowed you to stand on my stoop and profess your love,
And too long I lingered next to my door,
Fighting myself,
Arguing as to why I shouldn't go to you.
The weak girl in me says run into your arms and forgive you,
When the strong girl is reminding me of the pain and anguish you put me through.
As time passes,
You eventually disappear.
I can back away from the door and return to my life.
But part of me will always be at that end of the door,
Praying you don't come back.

Love

My sister brought up a very good topic in her blog and it has got my brain churning. Is love a conditional thing or not? I think it is. I feel as if love is something that everyone will experience at least, twice if you are truly lucky. I can say that the only love I have ever experienced, besides my family and friends, is from Matt. Some people might say that what I felt for Jon and hell I might have said the same thing before Matt and I ever happened (again). My feelings for Jon are nowhere near as deep as my feelings for Matt are. I don't mean to say that in a mean way, but it's true. Matt makes me happier in one day than Jon could have in a life time.I never could quite understand this until I opened my eyes and saw it. Yes that sounds so corny of me but hell it's true. And everyone knows that I can't help but speak what is on my mind. I was just born like that I guess. But back to the conditional love. I think that there is two kinds of love. And they are conditional and unconditional. And they both are expressed at some point in life. One we won't realize we are expressing (conditional) and the other we will always express for as long as God allows us to grace ourselves here on Earth (unconditional). Some people who read this on purpose or just stumble along it may think "What does some 18 year old girl know about love?" Well for those who are wondering, I know just a little bit more about love than my age lets off. I watched both of my sisters date while I was growing up and thought that boys were evil things. I learned about love not only through years of break up and listening to Lisa and Mandie, but I learned some hard lessons all on my own. I never understood my sisters when they would tell me to be careful with love as a child. But now I not only understand, I think I might understand it a little more than they do. Keep in mind I said might.....