I'm going to kill someone at my school. Some how the link for this got into someone's hands and they told Anthony what I wrote about him! And now he's pissed at me because he thinks that people are going to think something is going on with me and him. But nothing is going on! We are just friends. And I want to apologize to Anthony on here. I don't know how this link got out but I am sorry. I feel really bad about everything that has happened because of my writings. Heck half the shit I write about is my emotions (good and bad) running over a bit too much. So to whomever is running around telling everyone what I write about, you better hope I don't find out who you are because you are gonna regret telling my business to everyone!!! And this isn't a threat, it's a promise!!

It's Getting Shitty Again!!!

Things between me and my dad are getting pretty rocky again. He's pissed off at me because I won't do Matt's chores. It isn't my night to do them and hasn't been since Wednesday. Dad says he doesn't care whos night it is he wants them done. And he's trying to tell me that I never do dishes when I have done them every night it was my turn. Ever since I have been home, I have only slipped up twice and I did them an extra day. I refuse to do Matt's dishes because he can't wake up and do them before he leaves for work or because he got so drunk and can't even write his own name properly. I don't think it's fair that I am always getting into trouble because Matt can't do what he's supposed to. I am tired of getting blamed for the dirty kitchen, for my stuff not having a place to be permanently because my room was taken over by Matt. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider. I hate that I don't have any room here. I hate that at anytime my stuff can be gone through. I hate that I have no privacy, that every conversation I have can and will be listened to by either my brother or my dad. I hate everything around here. I get in trouble if I am up doing homework past 11 at night, because Dad has to get up in the morning and can't sleep with the light on. Or if the television is left on and it wakes Dad up. It pisses me off because half the time I don't even turn the damn thing on. I hate sleeping in the living room because I no longer have a bedroom here. And guess what? I just got grounded because I said I am like the fucking maid around here. I always get grounded. And I always get in trouble for everything. Like Friday night I didn't know I was going to a party and everyone got really drunk so I had no way to go home so I called to stay the night at Danielle's. Well I got introuble for trying to be responsible and staying where I was. Dad says I should have called him but hell he acts like anything concerning taking me anywhere or coming to get me is one big fucking inconvienence to him. Plus he was probably on the phone with Pam so I wouldn't have been able to get ahold of him anyways! I am damn tired of being the cause of everything around that goes wrong around here. It just ain't fair. I don't know how much of this I can stand anymore......

Prom Problems

Ok so I have a problem. I think I want to go to prom with a guy but don't know if he wants to go with me. I want to ask him to go with me but what if he is going with someone already or he doesn't wanna go with me at all? I am scared to talk to him because I am afraid it might slip and then he will reject me right then and there. Geesh now I know what it must be for the guy when they ask girls out. Totally nerve racking. I just wanna know if he wants to go with me. Because he is the only guy I wanna go with. I feel myself when I'm around him so I think if I was to promote my going, it might as well be with someone I can be natural around.

Latest news

Everything has sucked lately. Me and Dad fight all the time. I don't wanna go into details on it so I'm going to leave it at that. Today was actually a good day. We only fought once. I have been so unhappy lately and have wanted to get out of here. I actually started packing this morning. Lisa has offered me a place to stay with her in Houston and I was going to go. But I have to stay here so hopefully things will get better. If they don't though, I am leaving.
Anyways I quit track. Go me. I did it so me and Dad would have more time to work out all our problems and maybe now that we are civil with each other it will happen. I really want things to work out with us. I gave up the one thing I truly loved in high school for him. I swear if I gave it up for nothing heads will roll...
Ok well I'm sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed. I'll talk more about everything later. Peace and chicken grease.

Pneumonia Sucks

My life really sucks right now. I have been really sick and we found out yesterday (after I had an X-Ray done) that I have pneumonia. Hurray for me! NOT! It really sucks. All I do is sleep, take my medicines, cough, potty, and sleep some more. I really haven't had an appetite lately but Dr. B said that as long as I am drinking plenty of water then that's ok. And trust me I have drank so much water, I'm expecting to turn into a camel soon! But all week I have had a fever and it has really sucked. I haven't left the house since yesterday and that's only because I had to go see Dr. B. And then she gave me a breathing treatment and then told me I had to go to the hospital for my X-Ray. But today Allie came over we went to Subway. So that was cool. I actually got out to see the world of the living. It was the highlight of my day. Hell it was the highlight of my week. Mostly because all I have really done is cough up the stuff that is in my lungs. Sounds yummy huh? It really isn't, trust me. It's just plain disgusting. Whom ever discovered pneumonia should be shot.

Why Do I?

Why do I seem to always be in a world of hurt,
brought on by those who I love the most?

Why do I feel like I keep letting everyone down,
when I have done nothing to let them down?

Why do I cry over things I have no control over,
yet I am expected to suck it all up and dry my tears?

Why do I never have the courage to face the bullies in my life,
but have no problem walking away from them?

Why am I always the problem,
when I stay as far away from trouble as possible?

Why can't I make people understand how I can never believe in love,
especially since love for people is what makes me hurt so inside?

Why can't I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel,
especially if there is no light coming towards me?

Why do I feel as if my life is always going downhill,
when I have so much good in front of me?

Why won't I let myself consider dating again,
if I don't know how he feels about me?

Why do I always seem to live for others,
but when it's time to live for myself I haven't gotten a clue how?

Why can't I stand up for what I think is right,
but can express my feelings on things I know are wrong?

Why am I always hurting,
and the only way to forget the hurt is to do things I shouldn't?

Why can't I get over the fact that I feel like such an alien in my own family,
but I'm told I fit in just as well as everyone else?

Why do I feel as if the world is coming to an end,
but I have yet to hear the trumpets sound?

Why do I love all the people who have hurt me so bad in my life,
but I don't want to tell them I love them?

Why do I feel as if I am the weakest thing on the Earth,
but everyone around me tells me I am so strong?

Why do I feel as if the pain will never go away,
but deep down I know that it will deminish with time?

Why do I give my friends and family advice,
but when the situations are affecting me I can't hear what people are saying?

Why do I feel like the worst person in the world,
but I have no clue what I am feeling so awful about?

Bye For Now

This might be the last time I write for a while. Dad has kicked me out of the house and I am leaving. I'm going to stay at Christy's house for a lil bit and then our friend Matt said I could move in with him when he gets his apartment. So I won't be able to vent on here for a little bit. I hope everyone who reads this has a much better life than I am having right now. Don't be like me. Pave your own road. Don't let others do it for you. Be good and stay safe.

Your Everything

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
Like I've never felt with anyone else
I wana give back what you've givin' to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more then just your man
I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out for me
I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts
And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost
I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
I wanna be your everything

Sung by: Keith Urban

My Thoughts About You

I don't see what you see in me,
but the thought of not having you in my life makes me wanna cry.

I don't understand why out you feel so much more comfortable around me,
than some of the more popular girls around school.

I don't know why you tell me that I am beautiful,
when there are prettier girls you could be saying those words to.

I don't know why you think that you are chubby,
when you have a great body.

I can't stand the fact that you under estimate yourself.
You are great the way you are.

I wish I could really tell you what I am feeling,
but I am too scared to put my feelings out that far.

I love the way you look at me.
It makes me feel as if I am the only girl you want to see.

I love how you kiss me.
I swear you take my breath away everytime,
and make me want to come back for more.

I love how you make me feel.
I feel so safe and secure around you.

But what really makes me glad to have you around
is how you see things in me I want others to see.

Monthly Torture

My whole body is aching. My back hurts really bad and I don't have anything for it. Gosh I wish I had been born a boy sometimes. Then I wouldn't have periods. I hate them and honestly can not wait until I never have them again. I know some people might not want to know or read about my monthly torture but I don't care. This is my blog so I can write about whatever I want. I wanna be a boy...hey if I was a guy, I can say that I would be gay because I like guys alot!!