Getting hurt

Getting hurt is my worst fear. I have gotten hurt so many times in the past it's unreal. I don't want to get hurt again. Am I too cautious with my heart? Should I stop being such a ninny and trust that I won't get hurt? Why am I so arrogant when it comes to my heart. Or I should say with expectations of getting hurt. Its as if I expect to get hurt again. And I know that I will I just don't want it to happen again. What if I push away the only person who I ever considered might not hurt me because I am afraid of getting heart broken. Its not fair to him, and its not fair to me. Why do I have a hard time excepting the fact that I won't get hurt in every relationship I enter? I don't know why but I wish I did because I just want to be able to let him in without regrets.

What are we?

What am I doing to myself? I should be asleep but instead, I am waiting on him to get on the computer like he said he would. Is that stupid of me? I mean for all I know, he is doing this on purpose and doesn't want to talk to me at all. But he could just be trying to figure out what is going on by talking to his friend Mark, because he said that's where he was going. I just wish that he would hurry up because I am tried of waiting. I wouldn't make him wait this long so why is he doing this to me. Was it something I said? Or didn't say? I mean I am so confused as to what we are right now its unreal. He told me he loved me and I think I hurt his feelings when I didn't say it back to him. I don't want to say something that I don't know if I'm supposed to say it back or not. I won't say it either until I know what we are. To me, there is a difference between telling someone that you will always love them, like I have told him in emails (because I thought we were over) and telling someone that you still love them (as in a couple). I don't want to say "I love you" to him unless it is me telling him as my boyfriend and I don't know if he is. He says we are dating but I see it in a different light. I just am so confused as to what is going on. I know I love him, that's no doubt, but I don't know if I am supposed to or not. He has it all figured out so he can say whatever he wants. But I don't have a clue what is going on so I won't say anything until I know for sure. At least I won't say it to him. I don't know what to think anymore.....

Confused

I am so confused right now. I talked to Jon today and he still considers us to be a couple. He sees everything as one really big fight and I don't know what to think anymore. I mean I honestly thought we had broke up. And in my mind, we did break up. We talked today and he says that he wants to make it work until I say otherwise, but I don't know. I still love him but at the same time, its as if I am hearing two different things. My head is saying no, but my heart is saying go for it. I am so confused right now and I only wish I knew what to do. I don't know if we broke up or just had a big fight. I honestly got the impression that Jon broke up with me. I mean what was I to think? He says that he didn't think I cared about him anymore but I feel like that's not the reason. I don't know why I feel that way but I do, regardless of what he says. I have always been a blonde (all though right now I'm not because I went brunette) but this is something that I am confused about and its not because of my blondeness. This is really confusing to me.

Talking to Jon

I want to talk to him, but I don't know if my heart can take it. Its unclear to me which is worse: not talking to him because I am scared of what he might say or not talking to him because I don't know if I will have words. I saw his name on my messenger and it made me lose my breath. I know that its going to be a possibility that when I get online he will be on too but this just caught me off guard. I almost thought I might get sick because I just got this wierd feeling. Like my judgement day with him has come. I still have a hard time thinking about not being his girlfriend. I saw one of my guy friends yesterday up at the park who I have always liked, but I didn't see anything. I mean sure he is a cute guy and we kissed once (very innocent kiss might I add) but I still had that mentality that I was in a serious relationship. I know its only been a week but it seems as if my heart won't stop breaking. I wish I had a time machine so I can make everything right. I hate how I am feeling and I can't imagine what he is going through. I think this is the only time I have ever wanted to be comforted. But the only person I want to comfort me is him. I know that I shouldn't want that but I do. I still have the urges to call him and tell him I love him. I know I'm not supposed to love him but I do.
I know that getting over him is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. And if I know me (which I do pretty well), it will be a long time before I put myself back into the "dating scene". And that's ok for me. The only question is, will I put myself out there? Only time will tell.

Friends

 As I sit here in front of my computer, I think about what this year has for me. And all I can think about is how different senior year is going to be from the past 3 years of high school. Ever since freshman year, I have hung out with Allie and Matt. We did everything together. We ate lunch together, went to football games (when Allie wasn't playing with the band), went to the movies, and had a blast together. But I have a feeling that this year it's just going to be me and Allie. Matt has changed alot since him and I dated. He has basically abandoned me and Allie, making us feel like we aren't good enough to be friends with him anymore. I mean I talk to him every now and then, but it always seems as if he is in a rush. Like he doesn't want to talk to one of his best friends. From time to time, I miss how it used to be. We all used to have 3-way conversations until somebody had to get off the phone. And all we ever did was joke around and talk about nothing. I miss those chats about nothing. Me and Allie still have them, but I miss Matt being in those conversations as well. I think that Matt thinks that because Allie and I have grown closer since February, he needs to back off and do his own thing. And if he had just said "Hey, I want to do my own thing", it wouldn't feel like such a brush off. But guys are wierd. Lately, I don't know what to expect from the male species. And they think we girls are confusing....

Closeness

For some reason, I hate people being physically close to me. I hate being touched. And because of this, I lost the only guy I have ever loved. Now I'm not saying being touched isn't nice, but for me, I have to truly want to be touched otherwise it makes me wanna throw up. My dad thinks this dates back to when I was a baby. I absoultely hated being held! If I was crying, I refused to be held. Otherwise I would just cry harder. I don't really know why, I guess I have always been one who doesn't like to be comforted by being touched physically. I would rather have someone comfort me with words than with actions. It just ain't my style to be all touchy-feely. I can't explain it. I just get this feeling like my space is being intruded or something. Its not fair to the people I date who happen to like touchy-feelyness. I wish I could enjoy it, but I can't. I wish others understood that but until they do, I'm just gonna hurt more people.

Death

Death is a scary thing. Why must we experience the hurt of losing someone? I know that we must experience death but why must it hurt so much? My friend is having to face the possibility of losing her grandmother to cancer and it makes me think about last summer when my family and I lost Nana. It seems like when people experience death, they re-evaluate everything that has any type of meaning to them. I used to think things such as watching thet Yankees play ball on ESPN or speech tournaments were important but after Nana passed away, I took a whole new look at everything. I actually missed Yankee games for the first time in like 2 years after she passed. It made me think that maybe instead of screaming at the "boys" who were in another state or more importantly no where near me, I should spend those 2-3 hours with my family. Why is it that when someone close to you dies, it causes an unending ripple in your life? To this day, I still have nightmares about the day I told my Nana goodbye. I don't remember much of that day because I have literally blocked the mass majority of that day out of my head. The only parts I remember are the parts I have dreams about. And it is mostly of the service and burial. I hate to say that I can't remember much about that day but its very true. I think that people block out traumatic days out of their mind, and I think I have done that very same thing. I know that I should always remember that day, but I honestly wish I could pretend like that day never happened and tell myself Nana went on a permanent vacation. I know I can't but maybe that could make the hurt disapperate. Maybe I need to remember her voice. I forgot what her voice sounds like and I feel so guilty. I remember what her laugh sounded like because Daddy and her shared the same laugh. And sometimes I hear her in Daddy when he talks but it's not the same. It hurts when I wanna talk to her and I can't. There are times when I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her about nothing. But I can't do that anymore. At least not the way I want too. I know that I will always experience these urges until the day I die, but sometimes I wish I can make those urges reality. I wish that I could talk to her in other places than in my sleep (and get her to talk back), but I can't. The one thing about losing Nana was my last conversation with her. I don't even know if she knew it was me on the phone. And I don't remember telling her that I loved her. What if she passed not knowing that I loved her? I don't know if I could live with myself knowing that she left this world not knowing how much she meant to me. I hate to say that because I know my family will just deny that and tell me she knew I loved her and she loved me too but I can't help but wonder. I miss her so much and now that I am about to enter my senoir year of high school, I envy my siblings. They each got some kind of call from her and heard her tell them that she was so proud of them and I'm not gonna get that call. Its wrong of me to envy them because its not their fault they were born before me and all but I do. I hate the fact that I don't have her around to tattle on Daddy when he is being mean to me. Or to tell her about all the things that are going on in my life, or even calling her and asking her how she makes her French toast because I wanted to make it for dinner. I love her so much and life without her has been extremely hard because I really haven't been able to put words to my pain.
 Losing a loved one can either kill you or make you stronger. I experienced some of both. I know that one day I will see Nana again, but I wish that day was sooner because I just want to kiss her cheek and tell her I love her once again.

Thoughts

 I have been reading the stuff that I have written within the last few days and I realized that I have so much stuff going through my head and I wonder why I can never voice all this. Is it that I can't find the right words? Or maybe I am afraid to say what I am really thinking. I have never cared what people have thought about me (or enough for me to get hurt if someone doesn't like me) but maybe I really do. How come I can voice my thoughts on politics, religion, or even sports but when it comes to the stuff that I really want to talk about I can't find the words? Am I afraid to hear what others will think or am I just plain afraid to speak up for those tough things in my head? I know I am not a shy person but why do I always keep things inside me until its too late to make a difference? That doesn't make too much sense to me and it's my own thoughts! I always tell my friends to speak up about things that are bothering them or even things that are on their minds. Maybe I should take my own advice and start speaking up, regardless of who I hurt.

Unsent Letter to Jon

Jon- 
 Words cannot desribe the hurt I am going through at this period in time. Yes, I have experienced worse, but this is a new kind of hurt to me. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. But I blew any chance I had with you when I refused to let you in my head. And I wish I could turn back time and allow myself to let you in. But that is something so new to me. I have family who I have never truly let in and I can't explain why I do that. Maybe its my way of controlling what people know and feel about me. Maybe I want some kind of mystery around myself. But I never wanted to be a mystery to you. I wanted to give you my whole heart, but part of me wouldn't let me do that. I guess the element of me getting hurt by letting you in an trusting you with my heart terrified me more than you could ever imagine.
 I hate the fact that I have to pick up and move on. I am tired of running. Like you told me, I need to stop running from my fears and confront them. But I don't know if I can. I should have let you help me conquer my fears so that we could still be together, but my arrogance wouldn't let me. Just the thought of a male helping me made me feel so helpless. So I had to block that out of my mind, but in the process I was blocking you out at the same time. And I am so sorry for doing that.
 I don't know where I went wrong but I do know that you did nothing wrong. All you ever did was love me, but I couldn't reciprocate that same love. Maybe I did, but not the amount that you gave. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have left long before. But for some reason you stayed. Why, I will never know. But I do know that your love got me through some tough times. You loved me despite all my problems and for a while there, you stood by my side through out all the hard times we went through. When other doubted us, you just sucked it up and told yourself that we could make it. But I don't know if I truly thought we could. And I am sorry that I had little faith in us. Because I was scared of us becoming something way more than I imagined, I figured if I kept you in the dark I could change that. But God works in mysterious ways and pushed you closer when I fought to keep you out of my heart.
 Saying goodbye to you and what we had is going to be one of the hardest things my heart will have to endure. I hope that you understand that it wasn't your fault that we broke up, that it was my own. Having you in my life, even if it was a brief amount of time, made me learn alot about relationships, life, and most importantly, you made me learn how to love. Thank you for that. I'll love you for as long as God will let me and will never forget you.
 Love always, Hope

Money

 Today I was watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?  and it got me thinking. Why would someone name a television show something like that? That is a rhetorical question! Who DOESN'T wasnt to be a millionaire? I mean having money in today's society means that you have power. Why is that? Everyone has a place in society and it consists of 3 classes: lower, middle, and upper class. I have always been in the middle class (at least I think), but like everyone else in this world, I have wanted to see what it would be like to be in the upper class. Not that I want to be there permanenately, just for like a day or week so I can understand what the upper class have that I don't. What is wrong with that? I say that everyone should have to experience every class in society, that way we all can relate to each other. Maybe that is stupid to say, but maybe it would make our nation stronger. Maybe a little off wack for this shock, but it would be worth the time. Or maybe everyone should make the same amount of money. But then that wouldn't be fair to those who bust their ass at what they do to take a pay cut and those who slack off to get a pay raise for someone elses benefit. I don't know if this would help out any but maybe it could make the United States more of 50 states being more united than before.

Society: Past and Present

I was reading To Kill A Mockingbird earlier and it made me think about how that book may have been set in the 30s, but it is very similar to today's society. Why is it that we all as humans aren't treated equally? I mean our constitiution says we should treat everyone equal, and so does the bible. So why don't we do it? This question is something that I have always thought about since I was old enough to know what racism was. I know that I sometimes can be somewhat racial, but am I just like my southern ancestors who hated everyone who didn't look the same as me? I know that I am not racial towards African Americans, but what about am I like that towards Middle Easterners? Or Asian people? I know that these cultures have done some shit to really piss Americans off in the past and in the present, but has that caused me to not give those people a fair chance? I know that if I am in a chat room and someone from India or the Middle East starts to talk to me, I always talk to them for a few minutes and then I block them so they can't bother me again. Is that racist of me? Because I feel like it is but I can't help it if I am. I was raised totally different from those people and so I guess its like a culture shock when a 30 year old man strikes a conversation with me. I was rasied that a 10 year age difference is too much. My parents are 5 years apart and I think thats pushing it. So am I just repsonding to what I was raised to think or am I responding to the racism that has been brewed between those countries within the last 30+ years? I know I am asking questions that may not have answers to them but why can't I ask them? Maybe I am asking questions that people are afraid to ask. Well if that's the case, then I think that its about time somebody actually asked them.
 I once heard that the dumbest questions are the ones left unasked. Well in my case, the questions are no longer dumb.

My lost love

 Why is love so complicated? I fell in love with Jon and spent 4 1/2 months with him and now he's gone. Where did I go wrong? Was I even supposed to let him go? Its little questions like these that have been bombarding my mind for the last couple days since I let him go.  I know that I am only 17 years old but I know what I felt for him. And it was love. Daddy says that he was my first love so this break up is going to be harder than all the others, but I wish it didn't hurt as much as it does. Maybe the main man in my life is supposed to be my daddy.  I know this is going to make many people mad if they were to read this but maybe I'm one of those people who is meant to live a life without a significant other. I know I shouldn't think negatively like that but what if I'm right? I mean what if Jon was the only guy who I am supposed to love and I let him walk out of my life without even telling him how much his love has gotten me through these past couple months. I have never felt the way I felt for him. He made me genuinely happy. I mean for the first time in my life I actually gave a shit what I looked like when I was with him. I have never cared what I looked like when it comes to the male species. I figured that they should like me for who I am but with Jon I wanted to look good around him. I even contimplated wearing a little makeup everytime I went out on dates with him. And sometimes I did but didn't put enough on for it to be noticable. But for me makeup is a big thing because I hate wearing it...hell I don't even know how to put the shit on! But when I was with him, I wanted to be more girlie than I am. I wanted to impress him and I never have wanted to impress anyone! Not even my own family gets that pleasure!
 The one thing that I truly despise myself for was I told Jon I didn't know if I could be his friend. I want to be his friend but I don't know if I can be his friend right now. Is that so wronng of me? I mean maybe it was mean of me to say that but I truly meant it to be a temporary thing. I think we both need our space from each other, otherwise we will never be able to move on. If at all possible that is. I know that if I was still his friend I would have the hardest time forgeting my feelings about him. I am already having the hardest time thinking about moving on because I don't know if I can.
 I am not gonna lie when I say I still love him. I know that a part of me will always love him. But I know that I can't love him anymore. That hurts more than anything. I feel as if I have lost a part of me and I can't get it back. Like he's dead or something. Maybe that saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, then it's meant to be" applies here. But see if I was Jon, I wouldn't waste my time. I had my chance with him and I blew it. Instead of letting him in and talking to him about things, I do what I have been conditioned to do and that's shut it up inside. I know that I harp on my friends about talking to their boyfriend/girlfriend, but why couldn't someone have harped on me about it? Maybe I wouldn't be hurting right now if they had. But I can't blame anyone for my mistakes. I can only blame myself because I am the guilty party here. Jon did nothing wrong except let me shut him out. I'm not saying it's his fault but maybe he could have persisted more.
 I don't understand why he stayed with me for so long. Maybe it was pity. Maybe it was curiosity. Or maybe it was genuine love that kept him by my side for all those weeks. But I do know that I let the only guy I have ever loved go because I have too much pride to say those 2 timeless words: "I'm sorry."