Things have really sucked lately. Dennis has deleted me from the computer at the house so right now I am at the library. I can't use the phone but slick ole me found a phone that everyone had forgot about so I can sneak phone use, which totally kicks ass. I miss Joe alot. I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week so I am driving myself crazy without him. Thinking about him is the only thought that goes through my mind when I am in hell a.k.a. home. I won't go into the details as to why I am grounded because they are fucking stupid and it will just piss me off again. And today was a good day so I ain't gonna ruin it. But I will say that Dennis and Pam broke up and he says it is all my fault. I don't really care anymore. Dennis says he can keep my family from me but that asshole has another thing coming. He can't keep me from talking/seeing my mother no matter what his dumb ass thinks. Mandie, tell Mom to make sure he can't do this because it has a bigger chance of it getting back to Dennis if I check it out. I know he can't but he will try to pull a fast one on all of us and ruin my Spring Break (again). If you don't get to read this then I will call you when I get home (if Dennis isn't there) and fill you in.
Anyways I know this is gonna sound really cheesey of me but if I keep talking about Dennis, I'm gonna break something. You know that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well I believe in this statement. I am missing Joe so much it hurts. I had a dream about him coming up here to see me because he was so worried about me because of the email Mandie sent. That made me happy. But for some reason I can't smile anymore when I am home. I guess it's because you can cut the tension with a knife its so thick. I wish Joe was closer to me. I hate not being able to talk to him or see his heart melting smile. Just knowing that he is somewhere thinking about me brings peace to my already hurting heart. He is honestly the only good thing I have besides my family and friends. I need to find his number so I can call him. I want to ask him to prom but can't do that in an email (in my opinion). I would prefer doing it in person but with him being 4-5 hours away, I can't exactly do that. But I will figure out a way to get him to come to prom with me.
Ok well this is getting pretty long and I need to get back to my personal hell. Pray for me because I don't know if I can live much longer in that house. Love y'all.

My birthday really sucked. But if it wasn't for Allie and Matt, my day really would have sucked. But they made everything seem so much better. They mean the world to me. They pick me up when I am down. Catch me when I fall. Give me my daily reality checks. Make me feel better about myself when I feel bad about myself. Lately I have realized more and more how much I need those two. And they need me as well. I think that helps me get up in the morning. Knowing that somebody needs me in general makes me wanna get up. I love those two more than life. They are my guardian angels. And you gotta have one of those in this world. I'm lucky enough to have two by my side everyday.

Michael

Hey little bro. I haven't talked to you in a little bit. Your big sis is about to be 18 and you will forever be a child. But in my heart, you are this boy who will be 11 years old soon. I always think of you on Mother's day. I know I was too little to remember the day you came and left us, so Mother's day is when I always sing to you the birthday song. I then sit down somewhere and think what it would have been like to be your older sister. I wonder what kind of person you would be like. Because in my mind, we are almost alike. You are smart, and if you have troubles with your homework you come to me and ask for help. I always help you with your history homework, but you never have a worry when it comes to math. Thinking that I help you with homework make me think about our parents divorce. You would have been 5 when they separated and 7 when they divorced. Where would you have gone? I know I would have gone where ever the courts would have sent you. I wouldn't have wanted you to go anywhere by yourself. Who would play with you? Who would you run to when Mom or Dad upset you? Who would you go sleep with on stormy nights and you got scared? I had Lisa and Mandie to do that with, and I would want you to have me in those times when all you want is love and comfort.
I think about what you look like. Would you have looked like Mom or Dad. I am told I look like them both so would we look alike? Would you have Mom's green eyes or Dad's brown eyes. Would your hair be blonde or brunette? Would you have been tall like Papa or short like Nana? A clean freak like Memother or laid back like Poppy? I wonder what kind of person you would be. Are you a little brat or sweet and good? I know I shouldn't think about this in such depth, but I can't help it. You are the little brother I didn't get to have. That Matt didn't get to have. You are the lost son, but you will never be forgotten. Our parents may never talk about you, but they do think about you. I think about you all the time. I miss you, even though you are just a memory to me. I love you. You aren't just the baby brother that was lost to me. You are the little brother who went off to a much better place. And I know that Nana and Papa are taking care of you until I am there to meet you for the first time. Hopefully that time isn't too soon because I am going off to serve our country. But if I do come home to you, I promise you we will go play.

*I have just written about the one family member I rarely talk about. His name is Michael Chance Moore and he is my little brother. He died when I was 7 years old.

I'm starting to believe Jon when he says that he wants to be just friends. I honestly don't know about the whole girlfriend thing but he told me he can tell that I have changed alot since we last spoke. I am happy again. He admitted that he royally fucked me up when it comes to relationships but hell I probably did the same thing to him. But I'm ok now. I am a brand new person. Joe helped me see the light. He made me realize that I deserve to be happy. And he did all this without telling me it. He also helped me see that being in a relationship isn't a bad thing, that it actually can be good for a person. Hell I owe alot to Joe already. Just him being in my life this past few weeks has put alot of positiveness in me. And I need that. I have needed that for a LONG time.

I'm all smiles right now. I got an email from Joe and that made my day. He's working alot and going to school at the same time and was trying to apologize for us not being able to talk lately. Hell if only he had seen my schedule sophmore and junior year. I would get up at 6 every morning, get to school around 7:30 am and be there till I had to go to track practice at 3 pm. Then I'd be at the track doing my workouts for Coach Young from 3 pm-6 or 6:30 pm, if I was lucky enough to get out of there that early. Then I would go back up to the school and be at One Act practice from whenever I left track to somewhere around 9:30 pm or 10 pm. Then I would go home, eat my dinner, take a bath, go do my homework and usually fall asleep doing it. Then I would wake up and start the whole process again. Now that was some crazy shit. And I never really got a good nights rest until Saturday because I would have a track meet that day and come home and go to bed. Nobody ever messed with me on Sundays. I would scream at Matt if he tried to wake me up anytime before 1 pm. Dad rarely bothered me. The only times he did was when he really needed me to go somewhere with him. And I would only go because I was promised more sleep when we got home. So boy do I understand what Joe is going through.
Dang he makes me so happy. And you know who now knows about me and Joe? Jon. I talked to him last night and I told him about my new (and much better) man. Jon sounded a little upset but he said he had a new girlfriend. No comment there. But I am really proud of myself. I have been this big chicken shit. I have been so scared of getting hurt again it took me close to 7 months to put myself back on the dating scene. Then I met Joe and I am totally comfortable with him. I feel like I have known him for my entire life. As if he has always been around, yet he just came into my life about 3 weeks ago. We started talking at the end of January. But I say we started dating on the 6th. I don't think he would fight me on that either. Mostly because he needs to use his energy in more productive ways. Have I mentioned that he makes me happy?

I really haven't written in here lately because I really haven't felt like it. But here's the scoop on my life for the past couple days since the email from Jon. I have been feeling like shit but have been sucking it up because I have too. We don't have school Friday so that's a plus. But Pam is coming so that I wish I had a reason to be all bitchy. And I don't get PMS so I can't blame it on that. I don't really want her to come because I am being forced to celebrate my fucking birthday. If Pam wasn't coming, Dad wouldn't even know it was my birthday and I wouldn't have to celebrate the whole thing. But because Pam is coming, I have to go shopping in Amarillo when I am supposed to be in Perryton for my DEP meeting for the Air Force. Dad is making me go shopping too. As if shopping is gonna help me "bond" with Pam. All it's gonna do is bore me to death. I hate shopping. It is the most boring thing to me (after golf that is). I don't "bond" with people through shopping. I "bond" through baseball. Running. Texas A&M. Hell even through politics. But not through shopping or anything girlie. Yeah me and my sisters go shopping but they know how I am when it comes to shopping. Get in, buy what I want, and get out. Three easy steps. I don't like to linger. I absolutely hate lingering. And I hate people buying me things which is another reason I hate shopping because everyone thinks they have to buy me shit. I just wish my birthday would go by without any fuss and everyone would fucking listen to me and ignore the fact that I am turning 18 on Sunday. Now THAT is what I want for my birthday.

Love Quotes

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. Roy Croft
Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.Sarah Bernhardt

You're nothing short of my everything.Ralph Block

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.Robert Browning

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.Janos Arnay

There is no remedy for love but to love more. Henry David Thoreau

Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness. Oliver Wendell Holmes

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones

And when love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.William Shakespeare

It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.Thomas Mann

...Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. Mozart

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. Jeanne Moreau, French Actress

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world .Unknown

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others. Francois Mauriac

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh

Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. William Shakespeare

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. Peter Ustinov

He's baaaack!!

Tommorow is Valentine's Day. Whoop-dee-doo! I swear I hate that day. Even with a boyfriend it sucks. I know that I should be embracing this day because I have a boyfriend who I could possibly love one day. But I know exactly why tomorrow is gonna suck. Guess who's back? If you guessed Jon, you are right! I feel like he is coming around again to try to get me back. I can't fight him anymore. I feel as if he has like this radar that tells him when I am happy. And so that way he can come back into my life and fuck it all up again! His friend Mark says that he was on this morning asking about me. And Mark thinks that he is here in Texas. What if he tries to come see me? What if he breaks me and Joe up? Oh gosh I would kill him if he did that. I try to think positive, that maybe Jon will just want to be my friend. But the more I think about it, the more I become sure of the fact that he will try to get me back. I refuse to go back down that road. I know I have said that about a billion times but I have to keep telling myself that. I have to remind myself of the world of hurt he has put me through. Because if I don't, I will let myself go back to him. And that would mean losing Joe. I don't want to loose him. I feel so happy when I talk to him. He makes me feel the total opposite of the way Jon did. I don't want to sacrifice the happiness I have so longed for to just get hurt again.

Nana

I have been thinking about Nana lately. I don't know why but I find myself having my old nightmare again. It has been so long since I had it and I was actually starting to think that this particular memory had stopped haunting. But I guess I miss judged that one. I miss her so much and it is rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary. I can't help but think about her nowdays, especially to tell her that I finally met someone who makes me feel whole again. Part of me started to call her the other day. I had to catch myself and hang up the phone before the call connected. Lately I have really wished she was here. With things between me and Dad always being on thin ice, I just wish I had her to talk to and help me understand why he is this way. I find memories of her fading and it scares the living shit out of me. My memories of her are all I have left and I can't loose them. They are the only thing that keeps me from breaking down the way I did right after she died. I loved her more than a granddaughter should love a grandmother. She was more than my Nana. She was one of the few people who in my family who fully excepted me for who I am. Most of my family either tries to get me to do things I don't want to or want me to change the way I am so I will have more in common with them. I miss having her to tell me that my being so much different from my family is a blessing, not a curse. I miss everything about her. Everything from her smell to her beautiful smile. I know I was blessed to have her in my life but I want her to still be in it. I want to hear her simple words of encouragement that made such a complex situation seem so much easier. I want to hear her tell me that she is proud of all my accomplishments. I want to hug her neck and kiss her cheek. But most of all I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me. I wish that she could be there for my graduation, or hell to even talk to her on the phone afterwards if she couldn't make it. I know that these things aren't possible since she has already left me to grow older without her, but I can wish for these things right?

Preparing for the Race

Walking onto the track,
I feel so free.

Seeing the other teams preparing for their different races,
I don't feel initimidated.
Instead I feel my adrenaline start to pump and my body start to come alive.

As I begin run my two warm up laps,
I get the feeling of how fierce the competition is.

I start to feel my muscles go into a trance,
One that they have gone into so many times before.

Rather than my muscles begging me to stop,
They beg me to keep running,
To push them as hard I can.

After my laps are run,
I sit down and stretch my body.

I spend all my time focusing on what hurts and what doesn't,
and then I put myself into a zone.

My zone consists of one thought: stay calm.
Nerves are pushed away,
And are replaced with a pair of running shoes with a fresh set of spikes.

I barely hear my race being called,
And I try to keep myself in the zone.

As I find a set of blocks and set them to my comfort,
I feel all sorts of emotions,
But the most consistant one is anticipation.

When my heat comes to the starting line,
I don't tell myself to go and win.
I tell myself to beat one person: me.

I hear the starter tell me to get on my marks and I place myself in the blocks,
Never moving in fear of jumping the gun.
The next word/sound are the only things I will hear for the next 30 seconds.
And they are "Set....POP!"

I run as hard as I can and without realizing it,
I am at the finish line,
Hearing a time being told to me and a great job from my coach.

And you want to know what I do next?
I get ready for another race the same way as before.

Friends In Low Places

Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
The last one to know
The last one to show
I was the last one
You thought you'd see there
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you
Said, honey, we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain
'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places
Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
Hey, I didn't mean
To cause a big scene
Just give me an hour and then
Well, I'll be as high
As that ivory tower
That you're livin' in
'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places
I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
And everything is alright
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait 'til I finish this glass
Then sweet little lady
I'll head back to the bar
And you can kiss my ass

Written by: Dewayne Blackwell, Bud Lee

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know
I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but
I'd of had to miss the dance

Written by: Tony Arata

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Written by: Kent Blazy, Garth Brooks

Ever feel like you are so happy that you are going to bust? Well for once I can say that is me. I think me and Joe are officially dating. I only say this because last night he went into the chat room I always go into on yahoo and when I told him that they would call him my boyfriend, he responded with a simple "that's fine." I have been out of the dating scene since like what, August? It's about time I finally put both feet on the ground and walked into the world of dating. And I feel comfortable enough to be with Joe and not freak out and say that I'm not ready for a boyfriend. I am so ready for whatever is in store for him and I. I swear that Joe makes me happier than track, speech tournaments, and acting in plays ever did combined together. And thats saying alot because running made me happier than anything because I couldn't control what my body was going to allow me to run from day to day. It made me feel so free, so alive. I could feel every muscle either screaming at me to stop or telling me to keep running. I thought that nothing could ease my soul the way running did. Until I met Joe. Everything about him is better than running. He makes me feel the way my runs did, but about 500x's better. I didn't ever think anything, much less a guy, would make me feel better than my runs. I just hope that nothing happens to make all this go away.....

I talked to Pam not to long ago for about 20 minutes. It was a nice conversation. She was asking me what I want for my birthday, about Joe (cause I told Dad about him earlier), what we could do when she comes down here, what kinda stores I like to shop at (when I shop that is), who's gonna win the Superbowl (the Patriots!), and how the color pink is big with guys now. I think that I am getting pretty excited about her coming down now.

You

I never believed someone as good as you would come into my life.
But now that you are in it, I don't want you to leave it.

You have brought blue skies to my world when they have been so gray.
Instead of being down and sad,
I am now upbeat and happier than I have ever been in my life.

You make me want to wake up every morning just so I can talk to you and see your face.
Hearing your voice or talking to you online makes my day.

You know just what to say to make me like you more and more everyday.
I wish you were so much closer so I could express to you how much you mean to me.

Thoughts run through my mind about you that have never gone through my mind before.
And the fact that those thoughts don't scare me makes me wonder if you are the real deal.

Feelings I have never felt in my life are popping up and instead of being scared,
All I want to do is explore those feelings and emotions.

I don't know what is to become of this,
But I know that all I want is you.

Valentine

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine
All of my lifeI have been waiting for
All you give to meYou've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly
I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams I couldn't love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time...You're all I need, my love, my Valentine
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
'Cause all I need is you, my Valentine
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine

Joe

Have you ever wondered when you would meet someone who not only made you extremely happy but someone who you just hit it off immediately with? I have asked myself this question so many times because I have always been burned when it comes to men. I always thought that my love life will be one big car crash. But lately it has started to look up. I met a guy who I can not describe how great he is. His name is Joe and he is an ex marine and is a fireman. He is so awesome. He makes me laugh and makes me feel really good about myself. I have needed someone to do this for me for the longest time. I am so happy when I talk to him. Joe makes me blush and it takes ALOT for me to do that. And he makes it look so easy. We have so much in common. We both love history (and I count that as a plus), both like to read and write poetry, love to run, being outside, and so many more things that I can't even remember them all! Things about him just make me all warm and fuzzy. I rarely get the warm fuzzies too. Everytime I talk to him online I get to view his webcam and he gets to view mine as well. I said that because he will look at his cam and gosh the way he looks at me through his cam makes me turn into mush. And his smile could blind people. Yeah Mandie I know you are reading this and I know this so doesn't sound like me but I don't know why I feel all this about a guy I barely know. But I feel like I have known him for years. It's so weird. I feel like I can trust him with things I have never trusted men with ever. Heck I feel like I can trust him with things I can't even trust me with. I don't know why I feel any of this but I do. It is all so new to me because hell we all know my track record of heart breaks. I don't know how to really be my carefree, no guards up kinda person in a relationship. And I don't want this to effect anything with Joe. We aren't dating (at least I don't think we are) but I don't want my insecurities in relationships to ruin what might become of the two of us. He's so good to me and I feel like I don't deserve any of it. But I know that I do deserve to be happy. And he makes me happy so maybe he will be around for awhile....

Happy Birthday Mandie!

So it's Mandie's 23rd birthday today. And she's getting really old!! I know she is reading this so I will tell you Mandie this. I love ya you old fart!! I hope you have a great day and enjoy being 23! I love you and so does everyone else. I love ya!