Me and Love

Well this weekend was really fun. Dispite everything that happened with Al, this weekend wasn't a total lose. I went to the game, to a party, and went on a date. Not too shabby if you ask me. Especially since I haven't gone out on a date in almost 6 months. I forgot how scary dating was! I think I enjoy being in a relationship more than not being in one because I don't have to worry about what I look like or anything that you must worry about when you go out on random dates. I kinda miss being in a relationship, but at the same time I don't because I keep getting hurt by the guys I date. I am pretty much cynical when it comes to love right now. But I feel like I have a right to be. I mean why shouldn't I be? I think I earned the right to be cynical. If you don't think so, then you suck. But that's just my opinion. I don't know I if I will always be this cynical about love and relationships, but right now I am. If you know me, I am never cynical about anything. Except love. I think that is the only I am irrational about. But I also really haven't seen what true love is. I mean sure I somewhat saw it with my Nana and Papa but I hardly remember my Papa so I don't count that. But I never saw it where it counted. So I guess I will always feel resentment towards love because I will never get to see it where I should have.

Al and Bitter

Ok this white girl is confused. My friend, who we will call Al, told me today that he thinks of me as more than a friend sometimes. And I have had a crush on Al for the longest time. Well of course he knows this because I told him this past summer and he told me he has always liked me too. But niether of us want a relationship right now so its hard. Well I like Bitter too. But I have like Al since like my sophmore year when we had english together. I don't know what to do. I don't want any kind of relationship right now because of what I went through with Jon. Al knows what I am going through because he went through the same thing with his ex girlfriend. I don't know if Bitter really knows that I don't want a relationship. Of course I will tell him, but I don't want him to think that I have been leading him on. This is all so confusing to me because I like 2 guys and I don't know what to do about all this. I just think that I should stay single but I really like both guys. What do I do??

The "Date"

Ok I have some awesome news. Bitter and I had a "date" last night. It was after the football game and we went to a friends birthday party. Well ok at first it wasn't a date. But when this guy Brandon showed up, I told Bitter that if Brandon was to ask who I was there with, I was with him. And he said ok. Then we held hands for a little bit. After a while, we left because nothing was going on and I had to be home at midnight. Well when we got back to the house, we sat in his truck and talked. He walked me to the door. I think he wanted to kiss me but I don't kiss on first dates and plus I don't want to date exactly at this moment. But he understands that. He also asked me out but I told him I wanted to say yes but that I want to get to know him better since I just got out of a relationship. I don't want Bitter to be a rebound guy. But I told him he would know when I was ready. Hopefully he will be patient and still be around when the time comes.

Friday Night Football

I am so excited. My favorite fall sport starts up tomarrow night. You guessed it. FOOTBALL!!! We are here at the stadium and I am so pumped. Sometimes I think I should do cheerleading just so I can cheer and everyone expect that from me, instead of looking at me like I am dumb or something. But the cheerleaders at my school are lazy at games anyway. Its because they have their pom poms up their butt or something...Oh I should be nice because I have friends who are cheerleaders. But its true. Our varsity team is lazy. They cheer and dance every now and then. And on homecoming, they basically get a vacation. They really don't cheer. They should bring in the JV girls. I bet they are dying to cheer for Varsity....Ok enough about them. I am just really excited that football season is starting. Gives me something to do on Friday nights!! Plus the boys look really cute in their football pants...

The call

He called me!! Bitter called me tonight!! I'm so excited!!! Dad was picking on me because he thinks its good of me to be putting myself out there. He says that Bitter is my new "boyfriend", but he says that about every guy that calls me. But I am used to it now so I don't get mad or anything. Oh yeah before I forget. You will never believe who is encouraging me to pursue this thing with Bitter. Jon. My ex. There is something definately something wrong with that. Or at least I think so. But maybe it's a good thing he is wanting me to go forward with this. Maybe I need Bitter to help me get over him. But all I know is I felt like shit today and talking to Bitter made me feel so much better. I normally hate weather changes, but today they don't seem so bad.

Bitter

Gosh I am such a nerd. I am really bad when I like someone. I really like Bitter but I am so scared to give him my number. Why am I so scared to give him my number? Normally if I like a guy and am getting the vibe that he likes me too, I give him my number. I get the feeling Bitter likes me the same way I like him but what is stopping me? Is it that I am scared of getting hurt by yet another guy or what? I like him ALOT but am so scared to get his number or give him mine. I feel like a shy person, and that is so not me. I am an outgoing, loud, fun loving kinda gal and if I like someone, they will know it. But I don't know if he knows. I mean I flirt with him and he flirts back or vice versa. I am going to the football game Friday because it's here at Bulldog Stadium and I am going to ask him if he is going and tell him he should come to see me. If he comes, then I'll know he really likes me. But if he doesn't, then he either had to work or he couldn't come. But hopefully I will grow some balls and give him my number this week. My goal is for him to have it before Friday but you never know with me. But hopefully with some help from my friends and family, I will gather up the courage to make the first move.

Callin an old friend and the results....

Broken hearts work in wierd ways. Last night I got really upset because I was talking to Jon and he said things that I really didn't want to hear. Well I really wanted to talk about it to someone and it was around 11:30 p.m. and didn't know who to call. I just picked up my phone and dialed a number. And who I called was a very dear person to me and someone who I have missed for quite some time. I called Matt. I didn't know who to turn to, but I had a feeling that if I called him, he would talk to me. And he did. I felt as if I had been a bad girlfriend or something and asked him if I had been that way to him. He said no that I was a great girlfriend and I should never doubt it. He told me that I shouldn't be with someone who would say such ugly things about me and that I shouldn't even think about going back to someone who think such things about me. Matt made me realize that even though my heart is being pulled in about a million ways, I can't be with someone who treated me that way. Even if it was just one time. Talking to Matt made me realize what kind of girl I had become in my relationship with Jon. And it wasn't the person I was. I became a girl who wasn't independent or free. I was tied down and wasn't myself. I wasn't the "take no shit" girl that I had once been. I didn't want to stand up to him or confront him when something was bothering me. I consulted my friends and vented my frustrations to them instead of him. That is SO not me. I think talking to Matt put things into perspective for me. And it also made me realize one really good thing. I thought I had lost Matt as a friend after we broke up in February, but I hadn't. We were just going through that akward post break up phase and now we are past it. I'm glad that I called Matt. I have my best friend back and it feels really good. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I heard his words of advice. And those words will never leave my head if I can help it.

Relationships

I wish I could get a hug from Bitter. I just want a hug from him to make me feel better right now. Something about getting hugs from him lately makes everything seem like its going to be all better. Maybe its because I miss having a boy to go to when I want some kind of comfort. I miss being in a relationship in general. But I don't know if I want any form of a relationship right now. Relationships are too much work sometimes but I feel like I could handle the pressure again. I know that I want to date again. But I just don't know when.

Moving On

I saw The Princess Diaries 2 just a little bit ago and it got me thinking. What if the one person we are supposed to be with is someone you least expect? Or much less the person you are supposed to date is someone you don't know if you want allow yourself to have feelings for. I think I just might like Bitter but he's just a friend....or is he? I mean all I wanted all day was to see him and get a hug. But I still can't get Jon out of my head. I feel so wrong thinking about some other guy. I am in the proccess of mending a broken heart and I don't know if I can. I just want to say that I was never called a cheater or shallow or heartless or not caring but I can't. I feel like that if I can't forgive Jon, I will always think that every guy I will attempt to get close to will hurt me like that as well. I know that one day I will forgive him for those words, but I don't know if I can forget. I feel like this will fuck me up even more in relationships. I hate relationships sometimes but I know that if I don't try to put myself out there now, I never will. Maybe Bitter is my new beginning. I just hope that if I do try anything with him, I will be able to move on from the hurt of my last relationship.

Thoughts of Bitter

Oh I hate Allie sometimes. But it's not like I really do honestly hate her. But its all her fault about Bitter. But don't know what to think. I mean he's a great guy but I don't think I am ready. I mean I just got out of a relationship and now she has me thinking about another guy all because he let me borrow his blue jean jacket. And he said some things that complimented me as well but still....Allie thinks I should give Bitter my phone number but I don't know if I want to take that step just yet. Although I do miss his jacket.....I know, I know. But I can't stop thinking about some of the things he has said to give me the impression that he likes me. Kinda hard not too, especially since I am single now. Gosh that sounds wierd still....I have Bitter's number because he gave it to me last year for L-D purposes but I don't know if I should use it or not. Allie says I should but I don't know. What do I do???? Oh and you know I love you Allie!!

Poor Mark...

I feel bad for Mark. He has a broken knee and he can't do anything athletic for 6 months. I wish there was something I could do for him but I know that all I can do is be there for him when he needs me. I feel like that is the least I could do because he has been there for me for a number of things. When I needed someone to listen to me gripe about something, I would call him and he would help me calm down. When something was bothering me and I needed some advice, I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I know that Mark will get better but I hate the fact that he had to get this injury. So y'all pray for my good ole Mark and maybe he will have a faster recovery! And if you are reading this Mark, know that I love ya!!!!

School

Well school started yesterday and it was ok. Remember how I said that I was going to have concurrent classes? Well you can throw that one out the window! My bitch counselor lied to me during the summer and said that my TAKS scores from my sophmore year were good enough for me to have concurrent classes. And then on the first day, I got my schedule and it had no concurrent classes!!! I went and asked her and she said "oh I didn't have any kind of TAKS or ACT scores to base your ability to handle such classes." What a bunch of bull!! If you were to look at my high school transcript, you would see my lowest English grade was a 90. And my history grades never got lower than an 95. So I mean what the hell?! If I can manage do do that for 3 consecutive years, then what is going to change my being able to handle those college classes?? I swear my counselor hates me. And she looks like the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. No lie there either. All you have to do is put green face paint on her and there ya go! But because she lied to me during the summer, I no longer have any classes with Allie, which royaly sucks ass. She and I haven't had a class together since freshman year. And then we had like 3 classes together. So that pissed me off more than anything.
But there was a plus side to my first day of senior year. I got to see all my friends and made up with some old ones. So that was really cool. And I also learned that I get to teach Extempt to the speech team members who want to learn how to do that event. It's going to rock because I am the lone senior getting to teach it to the "newbies." That basically means that I will be in charge of what goes into the tubs, where the tubs are at tournaments, and all that good stuff. I am the best extempter that BHS has and I am going to teach my little padiwons to be as good as me. Or at least as good as I can get them to be. I may sound cocky about being the best but you can ask any of my team mates and they will tell you the same thing. I am the best and know that only I can teach what I learned on to them. No one else would be able to do it quite like me.

Breaking Up

Well it happened. Jon and I broke up. And this time we both knew it was happening and totally agreed on it. I didn't want to be with someone who thought of me as shallow and a cheater and he didn't want to be the guy who he was becoming. Distance is hard, especially with relationships. You begin to see sides of you that you never knew exisisted. I was at the point in my relationship where I wasn't happy anymore. I felt as if I was in a room with hundreds of people and I was screaming at the top of my lungs that I wasn't happy, only to realize that I had no voice so therefore nobody could hear me. I was starting to feel like my relationship had become more work than I could handle. I was losing sleep at night it was getting so bad. And I knew that once sleep came into play (or I should say not into play), I knew it was going to end. Jon and I are on two totally different paths when it comes to relationships. He knows that one day he wants to settle down and get married. I don't know if I want that right now. I can barely committ to a shampoo or hair color, much less a man. He needs someone who wants the same things and I need someone who I can truly open up to. I never asked to be the way I am in relationships. I just am. Nobody can be too cautious with their heart I say. And I would rather be that cautious old grandma than get hurt all the time. I have been down the road of hurt and I didn't like it. One day I will find a guy who I can not only trust enough to open up to fully, but I will find the guy who will change my whole thoughts on marriage and love. Maybe I have met him, and maybe I have to go find him later on in life. But I do know one thing that is for sure. And that is when I do find him, I'll just know and finally break my walls down so I can be with him.

Letting off Steam

Am I like a magnet for all the boys that seem great at first and then turn into the biggest assholes ever? I mean the last 2 boyfriends I have had seemed so awesome and different from all the other jerks out there and then one day its like poof!!! they turn into the biggest assholes ever!! I hate the male race right now. I have only been as nice I will allow myself to be and they freakin can't return that same curtesy. I think I am just going to say to hell with stupid boys until I feel like they actually deserve me. If I do anything with boys from now on, its going to be strictly friendship stuff.
But hell I had better be careful because this might come back and be held against me one day. I never thought that someone would stoop as low as using my own personal thoughts against me but obviously I misjudged that one!! I guess I should only write about things that people can't use against me later on. I guess I should just leave all that stuff to be written in my journal that nobody can read. Because then I can't get bitched out again. I apologize to the person whom this is directed to (and he knows who he is) for having thoughts and thinking that it was safe for me to write in my journal. For thinking that it was ok for me to write about things that are on my mind, and for thinking that I could express myself. I won't do it again ok?
And to everyone else who is reading this (because I have no knowledge of who reads my journal anymore), I am sorry that I seem a little heated right now. I am just blowing off some steam, if that is ok with my lovely boyfriend I mean. I am letting this shit out because I think everyone should know what is going on because obviously everyone seems to already know everything anyway. And I want to tell everyone that I am NOT a cheater, contrary to what you might think. I am going to use something that journalist say all the time. Don't believe everything you read. If you think I am cheating, then to hell with you. And if you think I am writing about my so-called affair, then you need to get your head checked. What I write about is my business, not yours. If I wanted you to know about whatever is in my head, I would tell you. Other than that, back the fuck off!!!

Him: Part 3

I had a dream about him. It wasn't a bad dream, but I just wish I could escape him sometimes. I wish I could control my thoughts and dreams and stuff but I can't. I swear something is seriously wrong with me sometimes. One day I'll be able to fix my mistakes of the past, but I don't know if I consider him to be a mistake. I mean if I thought he was a mistake, would I call him at odd hours of the night when I can't sleep? Would I stay in contact with him at all? Yeah these might seem like dumb questions to you, but to me, they are pretty ligtament questions. And I question everything. Especially now days I am questioning any and everything that has to do with my future. Will he be in my future? I hope so but life has never asked me what I have wanted so I guess I will have to sit back and see.

The identity of "Him"

Ok I stated in my last blog that I would not say who "him" was. Does that mean nothing? No. It means that I will not give up his identity because he knows who he is. If you are in doubt, sit down and think about it. Because if you are him, you just know. I don't have to say anything. And that my friends is the end of that.

P.S. If this entry pissed you off, sorry! I just really hate it when people don't read what I am saying!

Him: Part 2

What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him. It's like he has invaded my private, personal thoughts. I mean I am only alone when I block out everyone and I can't even do that now!! Everywhere I go, I think of him. Everytime I go to sleep, I see him. Hell I even see him sometimes, as if he was a mirage or something. I haven't seen him lately but I do remember the last time I saw him and all I have to say is this: Damn!! He was so good looking. I mean I don't remember alot about appearances because I hate having to re-explain the persons looks to other people. I have like this mental camera and I swear its on overload with pictures of him. Even pictures of when we first met! I can still remember what he was wearing the first time we met and remember he made me genuinely laugh. And when I say genuine, I mean I wasn't laughing to make him feel better about himself. I wanted to laugh and ever since I still laugh at all his jokes, no matter how corny they are (because sometimes the corny jokes make you laugh more). Sure its easy to get people to laugh, but to keep them laughing is the key. He does that and I hope I can still do that as well.
Many wouldn't understand why I have held on for so long but he does. Even if he can't explain why every time he meets someone he has to keep his feelings for me at bay, I know why he does it. And he knows why I do it. Because we have lives to live. We can't revolve our entire life around each other and miss out on things we were supposed to do. We both know that deep down we will always love each other more than anyone else in this world.
He has played an important part in my life and can't imagine him not in it. I will always keep my promise and I know he will too. Even if he and I can't be together physically (not sexually, so take that thought out of your dirty mind!), I would settle for the mental togetherness we have had for some time. It brings me to peace inside knowing he's always going to be there for me, no matter how bad I fuck up. Its always good to have that kind of person in your life, don't you think?
Life is short and should be as stress-free as possible. Which is why I won't reveal who this mystery guy is. Sure I will write alot more about him but I won't tell who he is.Because he knows who he is. So that's all that matters.

Sleep

So much has been on my little mind lately and I don't know why. Last night I got the most sleep I had gotten in a long time. Most nights I am like a freakin zombie, but last night I got more sleep than I had all week. Maybe it was because my conversation with Mark helped me get things off my chest that had been bothering me. Or maybe I was finally starting to ignore everything that has been bugging me and allowed myself to get a good nights rest. I don't know what triggered my sleep last night but it was good.
As school rapidly approaches, I wonder if I will have nights where I can't sleep due to the stress that comes with senior year. I know that I will be stressing over scholarships more than college acceptance letters, but what about all the other senior related stuff will I stress over? Will it cause me to loose sleep at night? I sure as hell hope not.
I love my sleep so I hope that none of this occurs this upcoming school year. With only 8 days left of summer vacation, I hope to get as much sleep as possible. And I know that there will be weekends where I can't sleep in due to speech tournaments or track meets, but that is my choice. Anyone who knows me knows that they are my passion. Its those activites that have gotten me through these last few years of high school. I would rather have to wake up at 5 a.m. for a speech tournament (or earlier) than sleep in all day. Or get up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for a track meet. But its something I do for me and it makes me happy, no matter how much I bitch about it.
I still don't know why I haven't been able to sleep lately but a few things might have contributed in my night of sleep. And if they are what I think they are, I hope it helps me sleep tonight as well.

Mark and Me

Talking to Mark about things helped. I know that some people don't really care for him but his opinion really matters to me. I trust his opinion more than others think. Yeah him and I have some history, but I care for him like I care for all my other friends. He understands me and knows what I've been through. He doesn't try to force things out of me, he doesn't try to get me to be someone I'm not. Mark is like my go-to guy when I really want to hear the good to honest truth. He knows that I only go people for advice or help when I want the truth, whether I want to hear it or not. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He tells me like it is and I trust what he is telling me is the best thing to do. Some people may think that there is something more going on with Mark and I, but so far nothing that I don't do with all my other friends. My feelings for him are strictly platonic. Yes there are times that I wish we were more than friends, but I like being his friend more than anything. He is my best guy friend and wouldn't have it anyway. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can bite me.

Allie

Today I spent a couple hours hanging out with Allie. That's about all I did but it was fun. I really missed Allie and realized that yesterday after I got home from seeing The Bourne Supremacy with her. We sat in her car after the movie and talked for about 45 minutes and all we did was laugh the entire time. It was nice to just hang out with her again, because we hadn't done that in a long time.
I don't know about her, but I really missed her when I was in Nebraska. I mean I didn't get to do all the millions of things that there are to do here in this one horse town with her. I remember that before I left, I didn't want to tell anyone I was leaving because I didn't want to have others influence my decision. Allie was the only person I told. Well that is a few days before I left. Many had to either find out from her or there were a small few that I called the night before and told.
Although my friendships mean the world to me, I think my friendship with Allie means more to me than most of the others. I don't have many friends who will understand the fact that not only are my parents divorced, but they live in a separate state. Sure Allie learned this recently, but we know what its like to have to go all over the place because of this. Both Allie and I have gone through some sort of depression and can understand where each other is coming from when we want to talk about it. And we both have cried on each others shoulder at one point in time. I may not have used her shoulder as much as has used mine (no offense to Allie, but I'm not big on crying), but just the thought of knowing that I have had her there for me when I needed her the most meant more than she will ever know.
I know I have always said that I want to go off to college, but if something does happen and I am stuck going to Harvard on the Hill (small town joke!) , I hope that if I ever need a roomate or help with some homework, Allie will always be there when I need her. And I know I will be there for her as well. I love you Allie!!!

Changes

I made a call today that could possibly change my entire life forever. I called the Marines and let them know that I am interested in joining the military. I am now taking steps toward my future and it kinda scares me. Life is going to be flipped upside down once I graduate and unlike everyone else I know, I'm not scared. I am ready for a new beginning. My life so far has been controled by everyone else in my life. I think its about time I got to control my life. Sure if I join the service, Uncle Sam will be controling it but only one weekend a month. I'll still get to do the things I want to do as well as serving my country. Some people might think its crazy of me to join the reserves and not go into active duty, but there are things in my life that I want to do before I commit everything to one thing. I don't think I am quite ready to hand over my life to just one thing right now, but until then I am going to accept the changes that come my way.

Him

I can't get him out of my head. No matter how hard I try, I keep seeing his face and feeling his lips on mine the first time we kissed. I still remember every line of his face, the twinkle in his eyes when he looks at me, every little thing about him. He's the only guy who I have never truly let go of and the only guy in this world that I can't have.

Life questions

Lately I have been thinking about things in my life that I wish I could change. People I have dated or had more than friend feelings for, things I have done that I'm not too proud of, things I have said. Some of these things have made me stronger, but other things have left me with disappointment. I also think of people who have let me down. I feel as if sometimes it's the ones who are closest to me are the ones who have let me down the most. Have I done something to deserve this? Was it something I did/said? How can I ever live up to others expectations of myself if they can't live up to mine? And why do I feel as if I will let down the people who have never let me down. Is that fair to them and me? Or am I just a confused teenage girl who doesn't know what she truly wants in this thing called life. Sure I hopes and dreams, but what if they are only going to be hopes and dreams. What if I am supposed to be doing something totally opposite of what I want to do. What if I wait for something that could possibly never happen and I miss out on something great. Is that fair to me? Or what if something great has passed me by and I didn't know it. I know these are big questions for such a "little" girl to be asking, but what if I don't ask them and it's too late to ask them. I hope that one day I will have answers to many of my life questions, but until then I guess all I can do is keep on going and never turn back.

School

Senior year is about to begin soon and I couldn't be more excited. I am so ready to get high school done with. I have had a blast but I am ready for something new. I can't wait to go to college. And I am already taking college classes, and I'm still in high school! I know that just about every high school offers concurrent classes, but I am taking every class my school offers and that is a grand total of 3. I know this is a good thing because that means I don't have to take certain classes as an incoming freshman in college. I want to get my "must have" classes over with so I can take different classes that I want without worrying about classes I should have taken. I am so ready to graduate! But I also want to experience my senior year with the least amount of stress as possible.

Boys

Ok why do boys act like such girls sometimes? I mean I have my girl moments, but I think boys have them more than girls. I didn't know girls were supposed to tell guys on a daily basis that they were handsome and all that not-so-macho shit. I know most girls like that stuff, but it doesn't phase me. I wish someone would have told me to act more like a boy in relationships because I had no clue you were supposed to treat the guy like he was a girl. I thought guys were secure with their looks, as am I. But I was obviously wrong. Guys are just plain wierd.

Brandt

Well I have a new baby cousin. His name is Brandt Wallace and he was born yesterday around 2 p.m. I know this might sound kinda bad, but I can't pronounce the kids name! Its really pretty and all but I can't pronounce it for the life of me. I don't want to butcher his name up so I am going to keep my mouth shut until I hear how his name is said. Then I will tell everyone that babies name. So if you wanna hear how to say his name, don't ask me just yet ok?

New Beginnings

I am so excited! My aunt and uncle are in the process of having a baby right now. I may not be too fond of my uncle but I am really excited for them. Plus I can't wait to spend time with it. Maybe this will make me and my uncle a little bit closer. It would be nice to have an uncle in my life who I didn't think negatively about. It would be nice to finally be able to talk to him. And maybe this new baby will show me a side of my uncle that makes me appreciate him that much more. Hopefully it will.